Safe With Me
by socks-lost
Summary: Post 3x15. My attempt to tie up all the loose ends from season three. Mild language. Spoilers for everything. Strong T. COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

**UPDATE A/N: **I changed the title because the older one did not really fit the story written. Safe With Me is a song title (which I do not own) by Kyler England. Sorry for the inconveniences.

**Disclaimer: **The characters depicted in this work of fanfiction do not belong to me, but belong to that of Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT. I'm not making any money or anything off of this. No infringement intended.

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Life and death, it was a line. One Jane was far too comfortable with. She knew it as well as the back of her scarred hand. She knew all of its grooves and how to avoid that one spot where it was a little worn. She found herself and thrived on that line. It was where she belonged, who she was.

She had an inescapable need to help, to protect and serve. Being a police officer was the only place she found that she could really do each of those things. That thin line between life and death was one she toed often, recklessly at times, far too willingly for her mother's liking. But it was her job, her career, her life to toe the line willingly, recklessly and often.

So when her brother called, his scared, panic stricken voice filling her ear, she had to step up, move from one crisis to the next which, if she had time to think about it, was the epitome of her entire life.

…

Jane was sitting with Casey when she got the call. They were talking about a life and a future she wasn't even sure was worth it anymore. She was trying to help him but he was just as stubborn as she was. They were cut from the same cloth in that regard.

She was aware she was trying to talk a grown man out of a decision that had already been made but she thought if he would just_listen _to her then maybe he wouldn't risk his life so needlessly. And maybe that was her big sign and she just missed it. Was it even love? Or was it her need to protect coming out, because if she saw a man on the ledge of a building about to jump, she'd do her best to talk him out of it. And maybe the exhaustion she felt while fighting for Casey, the fatigue that seeped down her spine and through her lungs, maybe that was what Maura and her mother (and everyone else) all felt at one point or another about her, maybe that was why she was trying so hard, because she knew how it felt, she'd been there. She _was_ there.

But there wasn't time for in-depth thoughts, or life reevaluations.

The building they were investigating was collapsing. Several people had been killed and others were trapped in piles of debris and fallen concrete. It was all hands on deck. She couldn't stay to work it out, she couldn't think about what that meant for them, for her, because the pull of life and death was far too enticing, calling out to her like an old friend.

…

The scene was chaotic. Everywhere she looked there were workers covered in dirt. City service members with their filthy uniforms and dirty crests and authoritative voices looking tired but determined to push through to help everyone they possibly could.

Men and women from all walks of life – firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, police officers – were all doing their best to bring people to safety, to pull as many as they could back to their side of that delicate line. Every one of them, like her, was ready and willing to risk their own life to go back in again and again.

These were her people. A strange sense of calm hit her as she stared at the chaos surrounding her. These were her brothers and sisters in arms all coming together for a cause. This was why she loved her job. This was where she was supposed to be, focused and in control. This was who she was.

Frankie ran toward her covered in gray dirt from head to toe. His voice was panicked as he told her Tommy was in there with TJ and Frost. She wanted to tell him something reassuring but there just wasn't time before he was called for by another officer to continue helping.

Then Jane saw Maura. She was working on live people as though she did so every day. Jane couldn't hear what Maura told the paramedic but he ran off yelling at someone and things were getting done and she was struck by this image of Maura reassuring a live patient and commanding the scene around her. This image hit a chord with her because it seemed like only yesterday when the precinct was taken under fire with Maura filled with panic at the mere thought of working outside of her comfort zone. But here she was doing just that, and Jane was in awe of her in this moment, in this light.

She was able to talk to Korsak eventually. He led them via iPad to a secret tunnel that would hopefully put her beneath where her people were. Even if it was only by sheer will and dumb luck, she was not going to go to her partner's funeral; she wasn't even going to think about it because he was going to be okay. She was not going to let her brother be lowered into the ground next to their grandmother either, wasn't going watch her mother weep. And she sure as hell wasn't going to watch them bury a tiny little casket because of something as stupid and inconsequential as 'wrong time, wrong place.' Whatever needed to be done, she would do it. She had to step up.

And maybe that was something she hadn't been doing a whole lot of lately.

The light from the flashlight in Jane's hand shone through the dust as they walked through that unstable tunnel. A lot of this could've been prevented. She could've driven Tommy and TJ home. She could've focused on the case more, rather than being distracted by her personal life. If she had just been better, been stepping up, she could've prevented a lot of this. Sure, the building would've probably still collapsed but if they'd worked harder or faster maybe they could've evacuated it in time or been more prepared or _something._

And Maura was there right beside her. Jane briefly wondered how many times she was going to put Maura in situations like this where her life was at risk. The medical examiner somehow talked and weaseled her way into going with her. Maura had her own level of stubbornness that Jane could never argue against. And Jane tried. She told her to go back, wished for her to go back, hoped she would go back. But Maura stayed, just like Jane figured she would though it didn't mean the detective had to like it. Not only did she stay but she used sarcasm in her defense and if Jane had been thinking about anything instead of their current predicament she would've noticed the sarcasm. She would've noticed how much Maura had grown, how she was more than that closed off, overly scientific person she was when they met. She would've seen Maura treating patients as people. She would've wondered if Maura had seen her change, like a werewolf, into this person who didn't step up and just decided to remain silent or if she, too, was too caught in her own life to notice anything else around her.

The building shook and dirt and dust and concrete fell around them. Jane covered Maura's shoulders with her arm and pushed her further to the ground so if anything were to fall on them, it would hit Jane first. Jane didn't think about what that meant, what any of this meant, because they were surrounded by life and death and she'd be damned if she had to call three mothers and tell them their sons didn't make it out of a building they never should've been in in the first place.

But that was how it always was, some big life altering event always got in the way of big life altering thoughts. So they worked side by side traversing through the tunnel, trying to find the sweet spot. They came to a blockage and with the heat sensor by some miracle found them. And somehow, by some divine intervention, she didn't have to make any of those phone calls.

…

Body bags and discarded gloves surrounded her, Maura had disappeared, Tommy and Frost were put into ambulances, and she was left standing there alone. She closed her eyes, breathing it all in. It was just another day in her crazy life teetering on that line she knew all too well, only it wasn't. When she opened them again her eyes landed on Casey and that tiredness she felt at his apartment increased tenfold and she felt like collapsing like the building behind her.

He was always showing up despite saying he didn't want anything to do with her. And she was too tired to think about it, too tired to fight him on it anymore. He was looking at her and she didn't feel it. Maybe it was the continuous rejection, or maybe it was the chaos still surrounding her, or the sight of Maura hugging her birth mother with sad eyes off in the distance, or a three-month-old baby in her own mother's arms, or maybe it was just as simple as being overworked and overtired.

But those feelings she'd been associating with Casey – the butterflies in her stomach and the softening of her edges – were gone. Sometimes love (or whatever was between them) wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for Casey. And if giving her heart to him wasn't enough, if being vulnerable wasn't enough, if being this other person for him wasn't enough, then what would be? What else would she have to sacrifice for him so that they could work? Who was to say when enough was enough? And why had she let this go on for so long? Why hadn't anyone told her to let it go? Because she surely wasn't herself when she was around him.

That thought resonated with every tendon in her body. Unreasonable anger filled her and she felt her hands stiffen. Why hadn't anyone told her to focus? Or smacked her out of it? It was like when she was in the middle of a long, hard case and she hadn't showered in three days and she started to smell her own stink. She wondered why no one had told her to go clean up, or if they had and she hadn't been listening.

With him, she wasn't the person who walked through falling buildings, who shot through herself to get the bad guy, who went into a basement without backup because someone needed her. She'd become someone else entirely, the opposite of all that…the type of person who, despite her gut telling her not to, got into the back of a van and wound up handcuffed to a bed in a strange place begging her partner to save her. She was the slow detective, putting clues together at a snails' pace and letting her best friend fall victim to a man who wanted to kill her, again. She was weak and fragile and begging, which was not at all who she was or wanted to be. And being with him, around him, constantly fighting for his attention and affection was exhausting. And she couldn't do it anymore.

He walked away, and she didn't try to stop him.

And Maura was there covered in dirt at her side as she always was, as Jane hoped she'd always be. And she made a dumb joke, a bad joke. Maura laughed and Jane had a flash of a time sitting on Maura's couch wrists bandaged and drinking a beer laughing off another serious incident. She saw the same look in Maura's eyes as she did then and wondered how many times Maura had swallowed what she really wanted to say or do for her sake.

Suddenly she felt like hitting her knees, falling and never getting back up. She was so tired, exhausted from the day's events, she just wanted to sleep.

...

The water was almost too hot and Jane knew it would leave her skin raw and red, which was how she wanted it after such a horrendous day. She stepped underneath the shower head and watched as the water at her feet turned a nasty gray. She closed her eyes.

Her thoughts seemed to bounce everywhere and she tried to hone them in on the sole action of getting clean, but every time she blinked something else was there. Everything she had refused to think about during the day, everything she shoved to the side to get the job done, was coming to the surface. Like an erupting volcano, she couldn't stop it.

Images – old and new – played like a movie behind her eyelids. The water raining down on her reminded her of every crime scene she'd gone to where it was wet from a passing storm. She couldn't breathe. And the more she tried to focus the more she seemed unable to, the more what if scenarios played in her mind. God, what was wrong with her? What was happening? This, whatever _this_ was, didn't happen to her. She didn't have near panic attacks, which was what felt like was happening. She didn't play the 'what if' game because it was a dangerous game that led to dangerous thoughts that led to things she didn't want to think about. There was that idea again of shoving things aside and she tried. She did. Casey. She could focus on him, couldn't she? It always worked before, why not now?

She had been distracted, during the case. She looked up Casey's driver's license on her best friend's computer. She had put real work aside to mope over a boy, like she was in high school again. She licked her lips, her heart still racing. Jane extended her shaky hand resting it against the wall of the shower as soap burned her eyes and the hot water rushed over her back.

She had that thought again. She wasn't herself when she was around Casey, she was someone she didn't recognize. Who was she and where was the real Jane Rizzoli? Where was that badass tomboy from South Boston who beat all the boys at their own game? Where was the woman who didn't need a man to make her happy? Where was the woman who became the youngest person_ ever _to be promoted to the rank of detective in the entire BPD? When had she started this downward slide? Her hand clenched in a vice like grip, fingernails dug into her palm. She swallowed thinking back to that day, to the pieces of concrete, the clues she put together too slow. She was being hard on herself, she knew, but really it was true, at least in her mind it was.

As she washed the conditioner from her hair, images of body bags being placed on the ground and the injured being rushed to hospitals filled her head. There was just so much death, so much destruction and she felt she could've maybe prevented some of it, but she didn't. That was the real failure.

And Maura. Maura was there with her biological mother and she hadn't been paying any attention to that either. They both were class A avoiders at times and she wished she'd made Maura talk to her about it, at least a little bit just so she would've had a better view of what was going on. "Fuck," The detective groaned throwing her head back. She didn't even know what was going on with Maura except her kidney was in jeopardy of leaving her body. The kidney was probably already sold with a time stamp and everything. How did kidney transplants even work? What was the recovery time like? She, of course, would've known all of this had she been paying attention and asked.

And it was because of a boy.

A boy who wouldn't give her the time of day until senior week, a boy she almost lost her virginity to, a boy who lied to her, never called her and shoved her away repeatedly for the sake of pride. And he still wouldn't give her the time of day because he needed to _feel_ her. Seriously, what kind of bullshit was that? She was willing, ready to help him, be with him because she felt something more for him, she felt drawn to him and she'd called it love a bunch of times but now she wasn't quite sure. But there was _something _there, something worth exploring but apparently that wasn't enough for him because he needed to _feel _her. (What was she anyway? Jane Rizzoli, the elusive fuck?) And he was willing to risk life and limb for that? It seemed stupid, was stupid. Though she knew somewhere in the back of her mind – or hoped anyway – that it wasn't just for her.

If she thought about it which was all she seemed to be doing at the moment, the same thing had happened with Dean. They were both always coming around at their own convenience making it seem like it was for her. They offered dinner and looked at her, made her feel special, like she wasn't just one of the guys – a role she'd played her entire life – and she'd bought it. She'd fucking bought it. They made her care about the relationship, made it seem they were so important because of their jobs and 'official business' only they mixed it with pleasure at her expense and she was left feeling betrayed and heartbroken picking up the pieces in the end. They acted like heroes while she was thrown into a never ending downward spiral.

She laughed hollowly as she got out of the shower. God sure had a nasty sense of humor.

She haphazardly dried her hair and threw on some clean pajamas. She'd been an ass lately. And as stupid as it was, Casey's rejection still stung. But she could fix it and move on, or so she hoped.

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**A/N: **I'm going to try and challenge myself with this story and it might end up a total train wreck, you've been warned.


	2. Sleepless Nights

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

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Maura opened the door to the apartment she knew all too well. Jane hadn't been answering her phone calls and she was worried about the detective. Lately it seemed that was all she did – worry about Jane. Ever since the Bianchi case, Jane had been different. It was a slight difference, one that was barely noticeable. She hadn't even seen it at first, didn't think anything of it. And it was only after the building collapse, after the baby, after the abduction, after near death on too many accounts from too many people and far too many other things that she finally grasped it. But as she walked through the door of the pitch black apartment and nearly stepped on a bottle she knew. Her hypothesis had been correct.

"Jane?" Maura called out before flipping on the light. She gasped at the image before her. It had only been days. It had only been days since the building collapse, four days three nights to be exact. Tommy and Frost had just been released from the hospital the day before. Jane had been there. She was smiling. She was joking and clapping her brother on the back and nodding at her partner and it all seemed so normal, so fine. But this, this was _not _normal. Jane's apartment was a wreck. It had only been four days. That thought wouldn't seem to get out of her mind. She had stood in that very spot five days ago talking about surgery and Casey. It had been clean, well, Jane's standard of clean. But now? There were pizza boxes and empty cereal cartons and water bottles and beer. There were lots of empty beer bottles and cans.

"Turn it off." A very grumpy, slightly slurred voice came from the couch.

Maura's eyes landed on the lump she assumed was Jane. She was face down on the couch and trying to burry herself deeper into the cushions to avoid the light. "Jane." The doctor said simply for lack of a better thing to say. She shut and locked the door and walked confidently towards the woman on the couch. She lightly touched Jane's arm only to have her jerk away.

"No." Jane mumbled. "Go away."

"Jane." Maura tried once again patiently. She'd never seen Jane like this. She'd seen nightmares, panic, shaky hands, a couple of tears but drunk and grumpy had never made the list unless the Sox or one of the many other teams Jane followed lost a big game or they lost a trial in court. The drinking had never been hidden and she felt…well she felt many strong emotions about the new development.

"What?" Jane snapped coming to a sitting position on the couch.

Maura's breath caught as she stared into blood shot, tired, unfocused dark eyes. Jane blinked and yawned raising an eyebrow expectantly. "How much have you had to drink?"

Jane licked her lips tersely. "None." She stood giving herself another small stretch before walking into the kitchen and ignoring the incredulous look her best friend shot in her direction.

Maura was on her feet instantly following behind Jane. "Don't lie to me, Jane."

"Maura," Jane let out a frustrated sigh. She rested her forehead against the cool door of the refrigerator. "I'm not lying." She turned around. "Frost just got out of the hospital and we all wanted to be there for him so the guys came over. We played poker basically all night." She met Maura's concerned eyes. "I tried calling you. Twice. But it was late when we decided to do it so I figured you were asleep. I know," She sighed. "I haven't really been the best, best friend lately what with the softball thing and every other thing," she mumbled under her breath. "But I did want to start making it up to you, and I did want you here last night Maura, I did." She nodded. "So it was really late by the time everyone left and I guess I kind of just crashed on the couch."

"Oh."

Jane raised her eyebrows once before letting them drop back down and returning to the fridge. "I appreciate the concern but I'm fine, Maura." She sighed as she said it and Maura narrowed her eyes at the detective's back, not quite believing her.

She looked at Jane's hunched shoulders, her wrinkled clothing, her mussed hair, the slight tremor in her hands and her eyes from earlier all pointed to the fact that she wasn't actually fine. Only, frustratingly, Maura didn't know what to do with this information. Jane was a complex character, a complex person. Maura knew from experience that her course of action could be taken in a multitude of ways. If she called her on it Jane could get very angry or shut down or deflect or avoid or laugh it off or…there were just too many options and she didn't know what kind of state the detective was in. It was pitiful that after five years of knowing the woman before her she still couldn't understand how to deal with emotions well, how to deal with Jane. However, both luckily and unluckily for her the decision didn't need any more contemplation because Jane uncharacteristically spoke again.

"Actually, I can't sleep." Jane blinked slowly as the words traveled past her lips. It was a quiet admission but an admission nonetheless. Before Maura could say something (she didn't know what) Jane continued. "It's getting worse." Jane sighed heavily, her body sagging a little under the pressure. She shook her head, defeated. "I don't understand why this always happens. Like I'm not – I can't deal with this. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep, Maura." Her voice was rough and shaky, quiet. The way it always got when she was feeling too many things, because she couldn't pretend it was okay anymore.

Maura took a step forward placing a tentative hand on her best friend's shoulder. "Jane."

"And Casey is having a life-threatening surgery because he wants to _feel me_ and I told him that it wasn't worth it. And I know it shouldn't bother me, but if he dies I'll feel responsible because I couldn't talk him out of it, you know? And as I was worried and distracted by all of this a fucking building fell on top of my brother, Maura. _A building. _If I had just taken him home..." She shook her head resignedly. "I can't sleep, Maura. And it's…everything is just..."

Jane shook her head letting go of the fridge and burying her face into Maura's shoulder. She choked on her own unexpected sob. What was wrong with her? She sank further into the embrace as flashes of the year whipped by in lightning speed. Maura rubbed her back a little in shock by the unexpected hug.

It all started with the shooting at the warehouse. Being truly honest with herself it was then, that case where she could feel herself coming just a little bit undone, like a sweater with just one loose thread. And each case, each death, each person pulled at that thread a little too hard and there was more yarn in a pile on the floor by the end of it rather than anything resembling an actual sweater. Because she had to do an emergency hackjob procedure on Maura's leg because she begged her to, because she didn't want to lose her leg and Jane couldn't let her lose her leg because Maura had nice legs and Maura would never forgive her.

But it was okay. Because she got Maura back.

The next case hit too close to home. It was murdered vets and Casey and the PTSD acronym was thrown around far too much for her liking. By the end of it Casey was gone, again, and she was on her best friend's couch eating graham crackers and frosting. Somehow that was okay too.

Then it wasn't okay and she got the idea that it wouldn't ever be okay again. She was taken. It started with strange messages and ended with her being drugged and tied to a bed. There were things that could've happened, that did happen, that she couldn't even think about without having an almost panic attack. Even still, months later, it was too much to think about but it was there loud and obnoxious at the forefront of her mind because she couldn't sleep. She had laughed it off on Maura's couch with her wrists wrapped in medical tape and gauze. She laughed and drank her beer and Maura overshared and it was normal and good and it was okay if only until she climbed into the bed in Maura's guest room alone. She couldn't sleep then and she couldn't sleep now.

Then there was the cutthroat case and sex trafficking. It again seemed to hit far too close to home. She fired her weapon, took a life, and saved so many more. That was all her life was, hanging in this balance of murder and death, and pushing and constantly digging.

But in the midst of it all, in the aftermath of another nearly tragic night that was far too close to home, there was a life. A baby on the steps of her best friend's house and it was okay. It was. It put things into perspective. She could do her job for the little guy. She could get up for him because he was perfect and she needed to protect that little ray of perfection, make sure the world was a better place for him. But then a building fell on top of him and she couldn't wrap her mind around it.

It was all just too much. Things kept happening to her, to them. Blow after blow after agonizing blow and it was too much, it was like kicking a wounded animal, a man while he was down. The voices spoke the loudest at night, the images flashed the brightest. Her gun at her side didn't quell her nerves, the locks on her door did nothing to the worry, the blackout curtains didn't calm her. Nothing was working, and she half wanted Maura's initial assumption to be right. She wanted to drink until she was in an oblivion filled state, until it just faded and she blacked out. But that fear of not being in control of her own body, the fear of not being aware of herself, not being aware of the things around her had a steel grip on her heart and she couldn't.

Lack of sleep seemed to be where all of her problems stemmed from. She was convinced if she could just get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep she could move on. If she could _just _get some sleep everything would fall into place. But instead her nights were riddled with hazy dreams and late night television. There was a heavy exhaustion behind her eyes, in her spine, across her shoulders. An exhaustion that she had learned to live with but left her bone-weary and weak-kneed, it zapped all of her energy and strength to the point that she was constantly running on empty. Jane didn't know where her solid ground was anymore, didn't know what she was fighting for or who she was fighting for or why. All reason had gotten lost somewhere along the way.

Maura wrapped her arms tightly around her friend, trying her best to let her know in a nonverbal way that she was there, that she wasn't going anywhere, just like she was during Hoyt and Bianchi and every other bad man that tried to hurt them. She was there. Jane had to know that. "How long has this been going on?" Jane shrugged in response. She could already feel her body weighing heavily into Maura and willed her knees to keep holding her up. Maura nodded into Jane's hair, thankful she was wearing heels. "Let's go to bed then." Jane stiffened in her arms. "I'll stay with you all night, I promise. We don't have to talk about it later if you don't want to. But you are going to get some sleep, okay?" Jane nodded pulling away from Maura.

A few minutes later they were both in pajamas lying on Jane's bed flat on their backs. "You were wrong, earlier." Maura stated breaking the silence.

"'Bout what?" Jane whispered back, her voice almost back to its normal tone.

"About Casey. He's a grown man and he's made his decision and whatever happens is _not _in any way your fault." Maura started. "I've said it before but I think it bears repeating, he doesn't deserve you, and it's unfair of him to speak to you like that. If he can't see how wonderful and caring you are, if he's too stubborn to put you first then he doesn't deserve you." He really didn't. Maura was, perhaps, irrationally angry at the man. That man did not deserve Jane in any capacity. He came into town and constantly broke her best friend's heart. He put these ideas and doubt in her head, filled her with guilt about things Jane wasn't even a part of. And then, worse than all of that, he left her best friend – her steady, strong, steadfast, commanding best friend – in pieces, every time. After Jane's admission in the kitchen, she couldn't stand idly by and let it keep happening.

Jane couldn't help the tiny smile from crossing her face. "That simple, huh?"

She felt Maura nod. "That simple."

The detective let out a small chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind." There was a beat of momentary silence. Their hands connected in the space between them. "Maura?"

"Yes, Jane?"

There was a heavy sigh, the type that came from too many unspoken words. "I'm tired."

Maura closed her eyes for a tiny second and licked her lips. She turned towards Jane, hands still firmly clasped. "What did your mother do when you were little and couldn't sleep?"

Jane blinked slowly at Maura. "She rubbed my back, and just...talked." She rarely went to her mother when she couldn't sleep. She was the oldest and was determined to be the strongest, the one who didn't need her mother to constantly coddle her. But there were times, even as an adult, when she went to her mother for help. And in those moments, those rare, far and few between moments that's what her mother did. They didn't talk about anything serious, Jane didn't talk at all. It was just the presence, the safeness of her mother, her voice, and like magic she was out like a light every time.

"Roll over." Maura let go of Jane's hand giving the detective's shoulder a small nudge.

"Maura." Jane whined, even though her body was already doing what was asked. And then one of Maura's soft, cool hands was underneath her shirt and her voice was in her ear and for the first time in months she felt something that resembled security, safety.

It took a moment for her body to ease out of the hyper-tenseness she'd been under but once it did, god, she could breathe again. And she wanted to say as much to the woman behind her, the woman whose perfume was enveloping her because when she closed her eyes it wasn't blood and death and violence she saw, but love and laughter and Maura's smile and bright hazel eyes. She smiled slowly, eyes drooping further, as she reached behind her to pull Maura's free arm around her waist.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	3. Aren't You Angry?

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Jane woke up to the same gentle movement along her back as the night before when she felt her eyes drift close. She didn't move for fear of startling Maura who was humming almost inaudibly behind her. The bed was incredibly warm. It was the kind of warmth that if the world was falling apart around her she'd still be hard pressed to slide from underneath the covers and onto her feet. Her apartment wasn't even very cold, the blankets had gotten tangled around them both and left one of her legs up to her calf uncovered. She felt…fresh. It was a marvel what one solid night a sleep could do for a person, for her. It was like a glass of water after a hard workout, gratifying and much needed.

Maura's quiet humming paused as her fingers gently traced over the exit scar from the self-inflicted bullet wound from what seemed like a thousand years ago. She couldn't help the shiver that trickled across her skin at Maura's gentle, whisper of a touch. Since it happened, she'd only slept with one person. And he never touched her the way Maura was, like she was precious and loved. Agent Dean (because that's who he was) didn't look at her in the way she always dreamed about, and maybe in hindsight Casey didn't really either. But there, lying in her bed with her best friend, she felt the closest thing to _intimacy _she'd had in a long time.

When Maura continued tracing tiny circles along her skin, Jane sighed contently. There was a chuckle behind her as Maura stopped her movements completely. Jane felt fingertips tap her skin almost unconsciously. "Do you have breakfast materials or do you want to go out?"

"Can we just stay in bed all day?"

"Don't you think that'd be a waste of a day?"

_A day with you is never wasted,_ was what she wanted to say, half serious, half-jokingly. But she was worried Maura might take it the wrong way or there would be awkwardness hanging between them for the rest of the day from her poorly worded statement. She yawned. Maura removed her hand. "Go out. I don't remember the last time I stepped foot in a grocery store so I'm pretty sure anything I have is expired."

"Okay."

…

With that Jane found herself at a diner sitting across her best friend eating pancakes and bacon while Maura uncharacteristically played with her egg white omelet. Gone was the woman who had laughed at her as she got toothpaste on her nose while brushing her teeth an hour earlier. Jane narrowed her eyes. She was on her second cup of coffee and had gone through most of her pancakes and all of the bacon. Maura had taken maybe two bites and a sip of coffee that was undoubtedly lukewarm at best by now. Jane swallowed thickly. "What's up?"

Maura jumped, startled at the sudden intrusion to her thoughts. Her eyes drifted upwards and her brow furrowed. "It appears to be an ad for one of their weekly specials."

Jane made a face before glancing towards the ceiling herself. Sure enough, there was a sign with gold lettering and exclamation points. "I meant with you." She said giving Maura a pointed look. "You seem a little distracted, is all."

She shrugged.

Jane placed down her fork and wiped her mouth. "Talk to me." Silence where Maura Isles was concerned didn't always necessitate to being a bad thing. She used silence to think, to deliberate, find her words. She was a thinker, very different than Jane who seemed to never think before speaking. Jane tried to imagine herself in Maura's position. How would she feel if she were adopted and later found out that her biological father was _Patrick Doyle_, head of the Irish mob, and that her biological mother thought she'd died at birth and when she found out her thought-to-be-dead daughter was actually not dead rejected her and then months later asked her for a body part that would save her other daughter? Where was the card for that? It was a lot to take in for Jane, she couldn't imagine what Maura was feeling about the whole thing.

Maura sighed, but said nothing.

Jane raised her eyebrows. "We could go back to my apartment or your place, the car, the park, the parking lot, if it would be more comfortable for you." She tried to offer up anything that would get Maura talking. It was almost lunch time on a Saturday. The place was fairly crowded but their table was one in the far corner of the diner making them fairly isolated. It was different. Jane could see it in the way her best friend carried herself as they walked, as they got ready – whatever was going on in her brain, it was different this time.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be." Her words were quiet and it looked as if it physically pained her for every word spoken.

"How was it supposed to be?" Jane asked her words just as quiet as Maura's had been, careful not to spook her friend.

Maura laughed, smiling ruefully. "I was supposed to be wanted." The words were offhanded enough that just after, Maura called the waitress as she walked by for a fresh cup of coffee. They were spoken as if this was a fate Maura had already known, like when a person who was dying told the fifteenth person what was happening to them. It was final. It was real. It was normal. But it shouldn't have been.

"You are wanted, Maura." Jane said. She knew she was trying to erase thirty-seven years of neglect with just a sentence so she reached across the table and placed her hand over Maura's hoping that it would help.

Hazel eyes looked up half-hopeful, half-cynical. It was not a look she liked on Maura. "By who?"

Jane could rattle off a thousand names off the top of her head. She could fill a hundred paper napkins with names in her sloppy scrawl. But what came from her mouth was one word. "Me." For a second it didn't feel like it was enough, and perhaps it wasn't, perhaps it wouldn't ever be. Jane did not have her mother's gift for soothing open wounds or Maura's intellect to talk around it. She did, however, have compassion.

"_She _was supposed to want me." Maura corrected and moved her hand out from underneath Jane's. With the way she said the word there was no mistaken who she was talking about. "They both were." She ripped a packet of sugar and poured it into her coffee. Maura never put sugar in her coffee. It was only those rare nights where they were working double shifts and around the clock. If she only had access to regular coffee and not the fancy stuff, she usually took it black. Somehow that sugar packet felt like a betrayal. "_She _only wants me for my kidney so she can save her _real _daughter and my mother didn't even get to choose if she had me or not. She did what she thought was the right thing." There was that laugh again, the cold, cynical, completely un-Maura-like laugh. Jane hated it. "I can't even be angry about it, because the whole situation is entirely unfair. She never asked to be lied to. She never asked to be forced to give up her baby. And mother was just doing what was right, taking in an infant that no one wanted." Her eyes met Jane's. There was too much to say. Maura rarely found herself in a position where she couldn't speak. What _could _she say? How come parents could irrevocably change the face of their children's lives? Direct them in the play of life? Where was the line? And why did they cross it so often?

"Doyle wanted you to live so he –"

Maura's eyes flashed. Jane sat back in her seat. "There were other ways. If he really loved me, if he really wanted me, if I wasn't just a mistake that happened – there were other ways." The silence at the table was deafening.

Jane didn't have a comeback for that, because it was true. Even when Maura was angry her anger held control and honesty. She looked at Maura ever the sophisticated woman sitting in the booth, back ramrod straight. Jane was sure if she looked under the table Maura's ankles would be delicately crossed and the napkin would be perfectly placed in her lap. Maura picked up her coffee with the sugar in it and drank it. Was this what Maura's version of losing control looked like? Was this her version of a downward slope? Just how much anger lay underneath her skin? How much resentment? Jane couldn't help but wonder. What would she do if she'd been the one brainwashed to think that emotions were bad?

She thought of a house full of laughter and yelling and playful roughhousing. She thought of a house that had that one leaky window and the handle she had to jiggle on the toilet in the hallway because her dad never got around to fixing it. She thought of a house that built them into cops and criminals and people that felt things. She thought of a house that was a home and people who loved her unconditionally. And she thought of Maura.

Maura didn't have any of that.

Maura had a mansion, Jane was sure, but they never really talked about it. They never really talked about anything like that. She had to play detective with Maura more often than not, find the clues, understand her vocabulary, define her tells.

She knew Maura took ballet but her mother only liked the classical stuff. She knew her mother spoke French and when Maura was ten she went off to boarding school in France. A brief image of a tiny Maura, alone in a town car with a suitcase beside her popped up into her mind, Jane was sure Constance or her husband didn't even go to the airport to drop her off. But Constance did love Maura, of that Jane was convinced, and Maura knew it. Because she'd stepped in front of a car that was meant for her daughter and that changed a relationship.

There were other things Jane knew too. Like how Maura's love for fashion extended beyond just the clothes. She knew Maura liked facts and figures and science. She knew what her favorite color was, her favorite shoe designer, how she liked her coffee, what tea she drank, the name of all of the science magazines she was subscribed to and that sometimes she liked to read the tabloids. She knew the mug Maura preferred to drink out of and what she would order at any restaurant. She _knew _Maura. So why couldn't she think of anything to say?

"The only reason any of this exists is because Patrick Doyle had one moment of a guilty conscience and a need to do the right thing."

Jane also knew Maura had that same need, no matter the sacrifice. "You don't always have to. You could walk away." Suddenly they had switched conversations and Maura picked up on it immediately.

"Who says?"

"I do." It wasn't enough and even she didn't believe her own words so it didn't surprise her when Maura questioned her. After all, the woman was anything if not thorough.

"Why?" The word cut through Jane like a fillet knife straight to her heart. The word, the question, was tired. Maura was still sitting straight, still looked as impeccable as ever, still kept up appearances. It wasn't anything in her body that screamed that none of this was okay. But Jane knew Maura. Jane knew how her voice sounded. Jane although, she'd never (if rarely) heard it from Maura, she knew the sound of defeat.

Jane once again, had an image of Maura only in miniature asking that question in a room that was too big, in a house that was too empty, over and over only to never get an answer. It wasn't coming from a highly educated woman who seemed to know the answer to everything but from a little girl desperately searching for answers no one wanted to give her.

Maura was a woman who devoted her life to helping other people, to getting answers for them, to telling them how a loved one died. She didn't _have _to work, but _chose _to. She put most of her money into charity to help the less fortunate. She couldn't lie without breaking out into hives or nearly hyperventilating. She was a woman of her word in a world where the word of man didn't mean much. Of course, Maura would do the right thing. It was ingrained into her DNA after all.

Jane clenched her jaw tight. "It doesn't mean you can't be angry about it at least." She reached for the check and threw some cash onto the table. "Come on, let's go."

The second they walked into Maura's home Maura started to play hostess, because that was also ingrained into the core of whom she was. But Jane wasn't having any of it, she had plans. She grabbed Maura gently by the elbow and led her into her bedroom. "Wear something athletic." Jane conducted dropping Maura off in front of her double-door closet. "If you're not out in five minutes, I'll send a search team." Maura narrowed her eyes at Jane, but the detective could tell there was a hint of a smile on her lips. It was enough to make Jane smirk as she walked out of the room to give her some privacy.

…

Half an hour later Jane and Maura were both standing in the middle of a batting cage. Jane was pressed against Maura's back, her hands over hers, her voice in her ear. In that moment surrounded by Jane so completely she could forget about right things and wrong things and neglect and being unwanted. Because it felt right, standing there in Jane's arms. She felt wanted, felt as if she had all the attention she could ever need right there. She wanted to stay there forever.

Jane practiced the motion of batting with her. They've done this before but the way Jane felt pressed against her, the way their hips moved together, the way Jane laughed into her ear was sending all kinds of signals to all kinds of places.

Jane stayed in the cage with her despite the probability of her getting hit by a stray ball or the bat. The first ball flew past her without warning. "Aren't you angry?" Jane's voice hit her as the machine whirred again, throwing another ball at her. _Yes._ She mentally answered, startled at the realization that it was true. She was angry, frustrated with the way her life was turning out. Which was silly because she had so many things others didn't. She had a career she loved, friends for the first time in her life that actually wanted to be around her, more than enough money. She shouldn't have been angry. But she was. And she was angry about being angry.

She hit the second ball, the vibration of the bat moved through the tips of her fingers and her forearms. It felt good. Another ball, this time she hit it harder and further. Her heart was pounding in her chest, blood was coursing through her veins. She remembered every time someone called her a name, every time she was coerced into doing anything she didn't fully want to do. She thought of every time she wanted something but couldn't find the courage to ask for it. And she hit ball after ball after ball.

It was very therapeutic, she found, incredibly interesting and very therapeutic. There were a couple misses, there were times when she swung only at air. She had lost count of the amount of times Jane had to restart the machine, or the times when Jane grunted from a ball hitting her foot. But by the time they were finished with their little impromptu batting lesson she didn't feel so overwhelmed by all of these choices someone made for her, by the impossible situation she'd been forced into. When she handed Jane back her bat her hands still hummed from the vibrations, she was sweaty, and her forearms were sore.

She smiled as Jane slung the bat over her shoulder. An image of a teenage Jane in softball gear popped into her head and her grin broadened. Jane threw an arm around Maura. "Thank you, Jane, for…everything."

Jane pulled Maura closer to her and kissed the side of her head. She knew it wasn't much, that a couple hours at a batting cage couldn't erase everything there was to erase, she knew it didn't make up for her previous missteps when it came to Maura. But she also knew it was a pretty damn big start. "You know, I always want you on my team right?" She felt Maura stiffen just slightly under her arm. "It wasn't nice of me, what I did to you." The words came out stronger than she thought they would've. "I should've let you and your colleagues play on my team." Maura relaxed a little. "And not just because you're my best friend, but because you all are a part of homicide." And then Maura sunk into her completely.

Jane looked down to see the widest smile on Maura's face she'd ever seen. It was the smile of finally being included in something, something that wasn't science or overall nerdy, something that the cool kids did. And Jane hated herself a little bit for making Maura feel the complete opposite of that a few weeks ago. "And," She held out her pinky. "I promise to you if I ever do something as stupid as not let you play on my team again you have full permission to take me shopping for a dress." It's the worst fate she could think of that Maura might actually enjoy.

Maura hesitated. "Only if we get our hair done and buy shoes."

Jane nodded, a smile on her face. "Deal." And their pinkies twisted together.

"So," Jane asked sliding into the driver's side seat. She glanced at Maura once before turning the key. "When we get to your place, you want to tell me about kidney transplants and what we have to do to get through this?"

The 'we' was not lost on Maura. There was an overwhelming sense of relief that set inside her chest exploding like wildfire as she took a shaky breath knowing that she didn't have to go through this alone, knowing that she didn't have to ask for Jane to help her, that she just would. "Absolutely.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	4. Staying

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

As Jane drove Maura drummed her fingers along her thighs to the rhythm of the radio while Jane had a steel grip on the wheel. Maura glanced towards the detective when they stopped at a red light and could make out the muscles in her neck and jaw as she clenched her teeth tight. They were on their way to the hospital and Jane had been in the same level of stress for the last week. Although not unusual, it was worrisome. "The probability of fatality during kidney transplants is very low." She tried.

Jane sucked in a breath. "Maura."

It was something they've talked about: Maura saying the 'f' word in relation to her body. Jane didn't like it. And it wasn't like she didn't know that it was the truth.

She'd done her research, all of it. She knew how long the procedure was supposed to be, the amount of recovery time, what recovery would look like, how long Maura would be out of work – the whole kit and caboodle. But knowing those things, knowing that as far as surgeries go this one was fairly average, didn't help her very much on the 'my best friend is having major surgery' scale. Because no matter how many times she was told it was going to be okay, or how many statistics she knew there was still that little shred of her mind that thought there was still that tiny percentage that everything could go horribly wrong. And then what was she supposed to do? It was rare, but it could happen. And because it could happen she found herself worrying about it.

That fear had actually been the major catalyst for all of her research. On nights she couldn't sleep she often found herself surfing the web for article after article about kidney transplants and their affects. The same thing when they had a lull in casework or were off rotation, she'd find herself on her phone scrolling through the depths of WebMD, which got the guys onto her. Frost wanted to know what game she was playing and Korsak jokingly questioned if she was reading something dirty on company time. Sometimes it amazed her how private Maura actually was, even with their friends. And because Maura hadn't let everyone in on her thing Jane wasn't about to do it for her. So when they ribbed her about being on her phone Jane just chunked a paper ball at their heads with a sneer.

In present time, Maura reached across the console and squeezed Jane's thigh in reassurance. "What I meant to get across is that I'm going to be fine, and you should stop worrying. Come on, breathe with me. Inhale." She demonstrated, not missing the tiny smile Jane tried to hide. "Exhale."

Jane laughed rolling her eyes. "Maura, neither of us are about to give birth and last time I checked this is my car _not _yoga class." Maura sat back in her seat taking her hand away. "Besides, we're here." She pulled into the parking garage.

…

Jane took the dress Maura had on earlier and placed it in the garment bag Maura had her specifically bring while the medical examiner made herself comfortable in the hospital bed in her gown. Jane hung the bag on the top of the windowsill. Maura noticed the way Jane's fidgeting increased the second they stepped through the doors and checked in. And now, she noticed the way the detective's eyes roamed the place too fast to really take anything in, the way she pressed and rubbed the scars on her palms. "Jane," Maura said patiently. "Come here." When Jane did, Maura reached out and grabbed her hands stopping the movement. She looked up into deep brown eyes. "I'm going to be fine."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because statistically –"

"Maura!"

"What do you have against statistics, Jane?"

Jane rolled her eyes sitting on the edge of Maura's bed. "Anything that puts you in danger makes me edgy so anything less than one hundred percent success makes me nervous. Shit happens." She said quietly looking into Maura's eyes. "We know that better than anyone." The rest of the sentence was left unsaid, but judging by the softening of hazel eyes Maura did in fact get the message.

"What do you need me to say?" Jane shrugged. Maura poked her side making Jane squirm and the doctor laugh lightly. "Come on, tell me."

"I know I haven't been the best person to be around lately and I've tried to be better, and I've tried to be a good sport about this, but it's just…hard. And if it's hard for me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, so why don't you tell me how_ you're_ doing?" The image of Maura – her best friend – in a hospital bed was a little too much for her. She looked so small lying there and Jane had tried for the better part of their friendship to make sure she stayed _out _of hospital beds, sometimes at great risk to _her _staying in one. Except for the car accident and Maura's leg surgery she'd been mostly successful in that endeavor. She knew Maura was doing this upon her own volition, but Jane even after the month of planning it, couldn't wrap her head around it. Because Maura was a perfectly healthy human being and why would a perfectly healthy person willingly have surgery? To do the right thing, to help a snotty eighteen year old have a chance at an actual life. She was a cop and if she heard one more thing about the 'right thing' she was liable to hit something.

"Jane, after all that's happened to you and us over the last few months, I have to say that you've been fantastic. You saved my life countless of times. I haven't forgotten that if it weren't for you I would've fallen down that elevator shaft with Dennis." Jane flinched, Maura held her hands tighter. "So I'll give you a little slack for being a little snappy and a little harsh because you're still my best friend and you're here even though I told you many times that you didn't have to be and I love you for it." Jane's eyes softened. Maura smiled softly. "I think we can both agree that it's been a rough few months."

"Year." Jane corrected her voice a little more than a whisper.

Maura nodded. "It's been a rough year. I propose that after I recover we each take a week off work and go someplace to relax and recharge? Just the two of us? No work, no mothers, no brothers, no messes." Just as Jane was about to answer there was a knock on the door as a team of doctors walked through the door smiles on all of their faces. Maura squeezed Jane's hand one last time before letting go as Jane stood from the bed. "Just think about it." And before Jane could say 'I love you too' Maura was talking to the doctors and being wheeled away while a nurse showed her to the waiting room.

…

Jane paced in the waiting room of Boston General Hospital with her thumb in her mouth. She tried sitting and reading one of the old magazines on the table and watching the bad sitcom on the television in the corner of the room, but she couldn't stop fidgeting.

The last month leading up to this point had come with unintentional hardships. They both had tendencies that drifted to shutting people out when things were emotionally difficult. It was Jane's need to be tough and Maura's need to self-preserve and they kept hitting walls with each other. They never really argued but, more often than not, they just stopped talking altogether. They would have dinner as usual but topic of conversation would lead to a sporting event or work. They refused to talk about all the elephants in the room, (because by this point the elephants had multiplied) it was just easier that way. Or so Jane thought. Until she got a text from Maura in the middle of the night, one evening.

Jane wasn't at Maura's from the doctor's own insistence. She had been dozing to sports center with a bowl of soggy cereal in her lap when her phone chimed on the coffee table with a text from Maura. It just read 'come over' no punctuation, no context. It was odd and left a weird feeling in her stomach. Maura didn't usually text like that. So Jane packed an overnight bag, leashed Jo Friday, and locked up her apartment.

Laughing immediately hit her ears the second she stepped through the door. But it wasn't Maura's usual laugh, it was more of a playful giggle. Which again was odd. Jane hung her coat curiously, stepped out of her boots, and let her dog loose before walking completely into the living room. She stopped dead in her tracks. She wasn't sure what she expected coming over so late. But Maura lying on her back with her feet on the couch in shorts, tube socks, and a BPD sweatshirt drinking wine straight from the bottle wasn't anywhere on the list. Or close to the list. "Uhh…"

"Jane!" Maura laughed looking up at the stunned detective. "You're standing on the ceiling!"

Jane looked around her eyes wide and eyebrows raised. This was a joke. It had to be. Bass poked his head out of his shell from his spot underneath the coffee table. He looked at Jane almost as if he was afraid of what his human was doing. Maura laughed as Jo licked her face and Jane had to agree with Bass' thinking because Maura had clearly lost her mind. She took a deep breath and a small step forward. "What, uh, what's up?"

"You." Maura snorted. She brought the bottle to her lips for another sloppy drink. Jane settled on the floor next to her best friend mirroring her position. "I ran into Hope today." Another bout of laughter came from Maura as she took another drink. "Get it?" Maura wheezed. "Hope? Like the feeling? But not, because it's a person."

Jane shook her head. "I think you've had enough of this." She grabbed the bottle from Maura. "So what did Hope say?"

"That she's grateful."

"Well," Jane shrugged. "That's…nice of her."

There was a moment of silence before Maura spoke again. "Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't just want me around because I'm smart and help you solve cases, do you?"

There was vulnerability in her voice that Jane wasn't expecting. It caused her to turn towards Maura who was looking up at the ceiling, with her hands clasped together across her stomach. She had that same look she'd had in the diner a few weeks ago. Had she not looked over, she probably would've teased Maura. "You bring more to the table than smarts." Jane knocked their knees together. "I want you around because you're my best friend. I don't expect anything from you, Maura."

"So if I ever got hit on the head and lost the ability to do my job, you'd still be my friend, right?"

"I don't know if you remember, because you were a little incapacitated with a busted leg but I said it once and I'll say it again: I wouldn't leave you, Maura. You're pretty much stuck with me for life, it's part of the whole 'lifelong' in LLBFF." Jane said trying to lighten the mood.

"Promise?" Jane reached across tangling their fingers together. "I promise."

With a sigh, Jane sat down in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs. She wasn't used to being on this side. Besides when Tommy was born she had only ever been to a hospital when there was a seriously bad situation involved. This was all very new to her, and she didn't like it. She hated hospitals, hated the recovery time and the desk duty. She couldn't believe Maura was going through with this.

The worst thing was that the people who even made any of this possible weren't even there. It was just her. Her ma couldn't get the day off and Frost and Korsak were working along with her brothers. Constance hadn't even been notified. Hope was probably in some special waiting room or something and all Maura had, was her. It wasn't fair. Even she knew that it wasn't enough. Maura was special and bright and good and everyone should've stopped what they were doing just to make sure she was okay.

"Ughh." She groaned into her hands. She thought back to Maura's parting words. Maybe she was right, maybe they should go on vacation. Somewhere warm, within driving distance. Just her and Maura and the sun. No work. No family. No stress. Jane found herself smiling at the thought. It was definitely happening.

…

"Maura Isles?" Jane stood up raising her hand. The doctor smiled kindly at her. "Detective Rizzoli?" Jane nodded. "I'm happy to report the surgery was a success! And Maura should have a full and speedy recovery."

"That's great!" Jane smiled, feeling that heavy weight in her stomach dissipate. "Can I see her?"

"She's in recovery right now, but I'll be sure to send a nurse for you when she's in a room."

Jane nodded. "Thank you." Once the doctor left Jane left a voicemail for her mother telling her of the good news. Just as she hung up a nurse pointed her in the proper direction of Maura's room.

Jane steeled herself before walking into the room. This, she also wasn't used to. Her breath caught in her throat. If it were even possible Maura looked smaller than she had before when she was awake. And paler.

Jane stepped to the bed. "You're really incredible Maura, you know that?" Jane joked. She smoothed the hair away from Maura's forehead, delighted at the heat of Maura's skin. In her world hospital beds always meant clinging to life not voluntary surgery and going home in a day or two.

She pulled one of the chairs closer to the bed. The room was silent in the loud kind of way, so she started talking. "So I was thinking about that vacation and I think we should go to the beach. Just me, you, and open water. We could just relax. It sounds nice, doesn't it?" Jane swallowed. She knew the anesthetic wouldn't ware off for a while and that Maura probably couldn't hear her, but she felt the need to keep talking. So she talked about the family vacation she took to the beach when she was nine and the camping her family used to do every year until she was fifteen and Tommy had to go to summer school. She had no idea how long she'd been talking, didn't really care. Her phone buzzed as she thought of something else to say. It was her mother. She laughed at the message and squeezed Maura's hand. "Jo fell asleep next to your turtle. Ma sent a picture, it's kind of really cute."

"Tortoise." Maura whispered smirking slightly as she slowly blinked awake.

Jane grinned scooting to the edge of her seat. "Hey, I knew that would get you." She laughed squeezing Maura's hand. "I've been talking this whole time waiting for you to interject a fact or to correct me on something."

Maura blinked a couple more times trying to waken her senses. She looked at Jane through hazy eyes, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "You're still here."

"Well, don't sound so surprised." Jane laughed.

"I just mean you stayed."

"How many times do I have to tell you until you get it into your head, huh? I'm not leaving you. Get some rest." Maura smiled softly at her words. Jane wanted to hug her, kiss her forehead. Because she was starting to realize what a huge impact Maura had on her life. Her heart hammered in her chest as Maura's eyes drifted closed again. "I love you too, Maur." She didn't know if Maura hear her or not because her eyes had closed again and her breathing evened out. But she had said it, and that was the important thing. "I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	5. Safe

**A/N: **Y'all are awesome.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Maura opened her eyes slowly blinking away the sleep. The grogginess that was still holding on to the inside of her bones, she knew, was due to all of the medication they had her on. If all went accordingly she should be on her way home the next day.

She yawned blinking once more and turned her head slightly to the left. Her tired eyes landed on Jane. She couldn't help the tiny smile as the familiar warmth spread through her system. The woman was slouched in the chair closest to the bed. Her long legs stretched before her crossed at her ankles and her arms folded lightly over her chest. Maura could tell even from her awful angle that the chair was too small for her lanky best friend and she knew Jane was going to wake up sore and achy.

No one had ever done that for her before. When she was seventeen and got pneumonia her parents never came home from their trip to the Alps. She had told them she was fine, and they shouldn't worry because she was being well looked after. Even Ian when in Ethiopia after she caught a stomach virus that left her bed ridden for several days had left her to go do both of their jobs. He actually forgot she was even _in _Ethiopia until he stumbled on her bed where she was pale and sweaty. They were both unlike Jane, who took off work and slept in an uncomfortable chair. Unlike Jane, who claimed her, protected her, fought for her, always, even when they were angry at each other.

She never wanted to pretend that her life was less than what it was. She never wanted to sulk and moan about her upbringing. She had opportunities that most did not in a world where money talked and money listened, where people obeyed the rules of the upper class. She never went hungry. She always had a roof. She went to the finest institutions the world had to offer. The world was quite literally hers to be made. And she did her best to show she was grateful for all of it. She hardly complained, made the best grades, volunteered, and chose a profession that was both within her comfort zone and beneficial to society.

All of this…mess, drama, family situation – she hadn't decided what to call it, if it even needed a name – left her wondering about a different path though. It left her thinking what would've happened to her had Doyle not made the choice he had? What happened to her, just a baby, in the arms of her father as she was traded into the arms of Constance, her mother? How did Doyle ask her to take on a burden such as a child? An infant, no less? What was going through her mother's head? When she was passed over, was she crying? Did she stop when her mother – Constance – held her? Like she had seen so much on TV and in movies but in real time was actually much more difficult as her experience with TJ reflected.

They were all answers she couldn't quite get. They were all buried deep under the surface of moments thirty-seven years old and she'd already turned over far too many stones to be healthy. She had already caused so many problems for so many people by drudging up the past. Hell, she was lying in a hospital bed minus an organ because one of those overturned stones. But she was just a pawn in the game that had undoubtedly changed the entire course of her tiny life and she couldn't help but think of the big 'what if's'.

When she was young, she always imagined, late at night in her overly large bedroom and overly empty house when her eyes grew too tired to read any longer what her birth parents were like. She would wonder if they were forced into giving her up by circumstances they couldn't control, or if they genuinely just didn't want her. And it seemed the more she learned of reality the more complicated the whole situation became.

She often daydreamed when she was unable to sleep at night in her boarding school bed. These daydreams were a place where she was different and her parents were different and school was different. She thought of a single woman, young, with no job, maybe in college. She dreamed that this woman who had her eyes and her nose really, really wanted her, but knew that she couldn't keep her because that would've been unfair to her baby. So the woman traveled and searched until she found the perfect couple that could and would give her daughter chances that she couldn't ever dream of.

Those were the types of stories she made up in her head, the ones where she was only given up out of necessity, _her _necessity, that they didn't actually want to leave her but they had to_._ What she couldn't seem to wrap her mind around was reality. And having all of it in her face, having everything she knew about whom she was fall into question made the ground she stood on quake with doubt. It made her feel confused and lonely, like she was fifteen again and trying to figure out who she was. What was the unwanted baby supposed to do when she was all grown up with a life of her own? Her sense of self shifted and for some reason she hadn't yet gotten it back.

She blinked at Jane again. She watched dark eyelashes flutter as she slept, watched as her arms slowly became unfolded. Through all of the shifting and the unbalancing of her life, Jane had been her constant. Jane had always been her constant. She was the one thing that she could lean on, that she could confide in, count on. She felt safe with Jane which was quickly becoming a feeling that was fleeting at best and non-existent at most.

Every time she tried to open herself up, every time she tried to take a chance on something, on someone she was met with a very harsh reality. For instance, telling Hope that she was her thought-to-be-dead daughter had always gone better in her head. Their borderline insightful talks, their lunch meetings and dinners had hypnotized her into thinking it could be okay. How could Hope, with all of their similarities, their striking resemblance, not know? And all of a sudden it was the very opposite of okay. Her biological mother – the woman who was supposed to want her, didn't. It was a hard, harsh blow that she foolishly hadn't been expecting.

It was a stark reality, two worlds colliding into a mess of shattered childish hopes. And when she called Jane, her constant, the detective sped over ready to help her pick up the pieces. Jane stayed with her all night talking about any and everything handing her tissues when she needed and refilling her wineglass when it got too low.

Jane was always doing things like that. Like coming over when Maura asked her to in that roundabout way of hers to fix her brokenness. Jane was always saving her and making her feel safe when that safety was ripped out from under her by cold, deceptive, hands.

"You're staring." The raspy voice cut straight through her thoughts. She heard Jane's shoes slide against the tile as her legs uncrossed, heard her shuffle and sit a little higher in her chair with a yawn.

_Safe. _

Her father was a mob boss. _Her father was a professor._ Her mother was a doctor. _Her mother was an art professor from a wealthy background. _She had no siblings. _She had a dead brother and a sister who now had one of her kidneys._ Everything was shaking and changing and twisting but Jane.

_Safe._

And Jane gently traced her fingertips as if she was afraid to hold her hand completely. Jane gave her that half hooded ghost of a smile looking up at her from underneath her lashes.

And all of a sudden Maura could breathe again.

It was funny how that happened. How Jane could be so many things to her, how she could be the right thing at the right time and instill calm in her anxious heart. She hoped she did that for Jane. She hoped she gave her peace when they were surrounded by chaos. Whatever it was between them – because she was convinced there wasn't a word in the English language that captured all of what Jane meant to her – was always her saving grace.

The silence that settled between them was neither uncomfortable nor awkward. It was a calm silence, a safe silence.

…

"Oh, he cannot get back with her!" Maura complained scandalized at what she was witnessing on the television. Beside her Jane laughed deeply.

The detective gave one glance to the TV before looking back at her cards. "Oh, he is. You know he is. Have any kings?"

"But she cheated on him." Maura glanced at her cards. "With his brother mind you, and no I do not. Go fish."

"Damn." Jane grumbled pulling a card from the stack between them. "It could've been her evil twin or something. Oh! Maybe she was brainwashed or had some sort of spell put on her so she had no choice." She smirked. "You know how complex these things can be."

Maura snorted. "Sounds like real life."

Jane threw her head back with a bark of a laugh. "Hah, yeah it does actually." She pointed at Maura. "That was a good one!"

Maura beamed at her. "Have any fours, Detective?"

"Yep."

Maura placed the pair on the bed and clapped her hands in triumph. "I win!"

"What? No way!" Jane glanced at all of the pairs in front of Maura. "Unbelievable." She hissed under her breath. "Even doped up you still beat me at everything."

"Well, Jane, Go Fish is a game of chance more than skill so I don't see how being medicated or not would affect the outcome of the game."

"Yeah, well," Jane sat back in her chair bringing her hands behind her head. "Your luck is far better than mine. That's the third round you've won."

"Out of five." Maura amended.

The physical therapist, who had been patiently waiting at the door for their game to finish, walked in with a slight knock to the doorframe and a smile on her face. "I'm glad to see you up and about so early!" She said brightly. "As we discussed, the recovery process works better the sooner you're out of bed. So if you would like to I think a nice walk around the hospital or outside would do your body some good."

Jane gathered all of the cards and stuck them in the card board box they came in. Maura leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Don't leave me alone with her."

It took every ounce of willpower in her body to not laugh. She turned her head lightly looking into Maura's eyes, startled briefly by the lack of space between them, how striking Maura's eyes actually were. "Don't worry, I'll deflect all of the happy with my sarcastic wit." Maura smiled and Jane was again startled by the beauty of her best friend, even while lying in a hospital bed.

…

Scars told stories. That's what Jane was always told, that at least an ugly scar had a story that could be told. They spoke of impossible triumphs, devastating defeats, moments of humility, and unrelenting bravery. The way Korsak told a good war story sent a chill through her body, the way Frost laughed about his time on patrol made her fall into the same kind of laughter right beside him, the way her Ma talked about growing up in such a full house almost made her wish to have more siblings (_almost.) _But the way she told a story didn't have that same effect. She would pander a guess that it was because her stories shouldn't be repeated. Her stories were too much of something for regular ears to hear. And it was mostly because of her scars.

The bad ones, like the ones on her hands, made people stare, made them wonder what happened. They were living reminders of horrors, of basements, and blood and real-life boogiemen. The big ones were bold, unforgettable in nature. She was always prepared to fight those demons, they were constant.

But the other ones, the small ones that were so inconspicuous that they only seemed to show themselves with a different angle towards the mirror, a change in lighting. Those were the scars that always caught her off guard. Not because they were forgotten memories, but because they could have been. The tiny barely there scars weren't in her face every day. They weren't constantly reminding her of the things she'd survived. And with one glance from a change in lighting, she _was _reminded. And she wasn't prepared.

It was why Jane found herself staring, lightly tracing a thin almost invisible line on Maura's neck while she napped. The scar was a nothing of a thin white line set on pale skin just under her jaw. If Jane hadn't been there when it happened (if she hadn't been there it wouldn't had happed at all, but that was another story for another day) she wouldn't even know it was a scar. If she hadn't been there she wouldn't have known about that horrible day. It made her wonder how many more barely noticeable reminders Maura had. How many other small tokens of life had been placed on her body? She'd seen Maura undress enough to know they had to be small.

Suddenly Jane had the urge to look more closely, to scrutinize every inch of Maura's skin and ask what each blemish meant. She wanted to listen to all of the stories Maura hadn't told her. Like why did her engagement with Garrett end? Was it just a differing of life goals or more than that? Why had she joined Doctors Without Borders? When did she meet Ian? What drew her to him? When did she fall in love with him? How was boarding school? Did she ever get drunk at one of her parent's parties? Did she have a butler and like in Parent Trap did they have a secret handshake? Did she ever date a boy her parents hated? Did she ever sneak out of the house to meet him? Did she have evidence? A scar on her forearm? Her knee? Why did she choose the job she did? Was she always drawn to death? Or was it just the fear of the living that drove her? What about science did she love?

The more Jane traced the scar the more questions popped into her head. It was then she realized if there was a movie based on her life that Maura would know every line, every unexpected turn and plot twist, but she wouldn't even know where Maura's would start. Would it be when Hope fell for the bad boy? When she became pregnant? When Doyle gave a tiny baby to his art teacher to keep safe forever? What kind of burden would that have been? Was that what Maura was? An innocent baby that was thrown into a world she didn't understand, wouldn't ever understand, a burden on her father who, as Maura pointed out, chose to lie and hand her off for someone else to deal with. It made Jane's chest ache just thinking about it. Jane didn't remember much of her own childhood but she knew it was happy, it was home, and warm and full of stories and scars, scars from tripping on the street, falling out of a tree, and sliding softball.

She remembered when Maura told her about the research she'd done about Hoyt. She remembered the way she confessed about the neglect in her life, how her voice shook, and her eyes shifted like she was almost ashamed to even be thinking – much less saying – what she was.

Maura shifted in the bed, turning towards Jane her lips mouthing something quietly that Jane couldn't understand. And she wanted to. She wanted desperately to understand, everything. Jane moved her hand from the spot on her neck down the faint fair on her arm to trace each of her fingers and go back up again.

There was a knock on the door interrupting her, light tapping and the doorknob didn't move so Jane knew it wasn't a doctor. She stood from her chair and opened the door. She thought maybe it was her mother bringing her the food she promised but instead it was Hope. She blinked closing the door protectively behind her. "What do you want?"

Hope blanched. "I deserve that." Jane said nothing but raised her eyebrows. "How-how is she?"

Jane crossed her arms. "Fine. No complications, yet. Cailin?"

Hope nodded. "The same."

"That's good." Jane nodded. She bit her lip, looking back at the door. There was a woman behind that door, a woman who she cared for deeply, who was too afraid to ask for anything, too afraid to want anything, too afraid that the people she wanted in her life didn't want her and for the most part it seemed she was right. And that was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous because Maura was everything, Maura belonged, and Jane wanted to make damn sure Hope Martin and her bratty kid knew that.

"You know, she's pretty amazing." Jane started, casually leaning against the wall. "We had this missing child case. Normally that kind of thing would've gone on to the missing person's or the juvenile unit but there were…special circumstances. Maura was pretty amazing during that case. Without her we wouldn't have been able to find that little girl and bring her home alive." She shook her head at the memory. "There have been countless cases like that that have come through our department and were solved by her team. She's the best at her job, she's…the best period." Jane met Hope's eyes, so much like Maura's and she hated her. She hated this woman so much. How could anyone look at Maura and say the things she said? "She lets my Ma stay in her guest house, out of the goodness of her heart. And once her house was broken into and everyone thought my brother stole her TV, including us, but Maura." Jane smiled. "Maura gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maura believed in him, when no one else did. That's what she does." She nodded.

"I think I understand what you're saying, Detective." Hope said slowly, cautiously.

"No, I don't think you do." Jane shot back sharply. "Maura is a good person. Like the kind of good that you don't notice until it's gone. And I'm trying to be as diplomatic and sensitive to the issue as possible here because I know this is a strange and difficult situation. I don't know what I would do if I thought my baby died at birth only to have a grown woman tell me that no, she didn't. I'm not going to imagine what that's like, or how confusing this must be." Jane took a breath clenching and unclenching her hands.

"But I don't believe you if you say you didn't have even the slightest clue that she was your daughter. Doyle's shooting was all over the news and more than that, she looks just like you. She talks like you. It's kind of scary actually. And maybe it was just denial on your part, I don't know." Jane shrugged. "But I do know that she has a mother, two if you count mine, and they both love her very much. I also know she wanted to get to know you at some point, and she probably still does but if you see her again, you need to really think about it. Because it can't be because you think you owe her for helping Cailin. And you have to tell her that, because that's what she'll think." Hope nodded. Jane stepped away from the wall, one hand going to the doorknob. "Just think, before you do anything, because you've hurt her enough already."

"I understand." Hope nodded, surprisingly calm. But Jane was already shutting the door.

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading/reviewing!


	6. Going Home

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Jane slung both their shared duffle bag and Maura's purse over her shoulder before turning to Maura. She was sitting in a wheelchair as per hospital regulations. Jane rolled her eyes, it was always 'wheelchair to the door.' She'd gotten into enough fights with hospital staff that had personalities that rivaled her mother's to know there were_ no_ exceptions to the rule, not that Maura argued. She was a much better patient than Jane.

Maura was silent, strangely silent. Jane could feel Maura's overtired brain working at too high of a speed and coming up with the wrong conclusions at every pause. Maura was awake when she walked back into the room after talking with Hope and Jane knew the second she saw Maura's eyes shift to the blanket that she overheard their words. Not for the first time Jane didn't know what to say, so she smiled and sat down flipping on the TV. When she looked over she caught Maura more than once, biting her lip, brows furrowed, caught the opening of her mouth the intake of breath as if she were about to say something only to have her close up again. All Jane wanted was for Maura to talk to her.

Jane had heard it enough around the bullpen that a lot of people looked like their pets. And while she would never compare Maura's looks to Bass their personalities were strikingly similar. Maura had a habit of closing herself off. She had walls and defenses larger than Jane felt were in front of her own heart. If it wasn't a factorial shell she hid inside of, it was one of cold disinterest. At the moment Maura was floating somewhere in between the two. And Jane wanted to fix it.

She wanted to wrap up all of the bad in Maura's world and ship it off to Antarctica, somewhere far away from Boston. She wanted to wrap her in her favorite pajamas and keep her on her couch telling stupid jokes with the curtains drawn until she felt Maura's smile was genuine, until she laughed that guttural laugh of hers. That's what Maura needed, Jane was convinced. And if she was being honest with herself, she needed it to.

They needed easy. There was only so much they could take, only so much could land on their shoulders without their knees collapsing. And if Jane felt like hitting the ground, she could only imagine how Maura felt.

She'd been thinking about that a lot lately. Maura and family and belonging. She thought of the way Maura's face lit up when Angela butted into her life, thought of the way she beamed when Frost asked if she was going to be at the Robber later. And she knew there were a million different definitions of family. She thought at thirty-six her understanding might've been a bit better, with her years on the force going to all kinds of places, meeting different people – she thought she might've had a better grip on the whole 'what is family' thing. She knew her version of family was very different than Maura's version. So asking herself if she would've done what Maura did was a useless question because she wouldn't ever be in that position. And she hated Hope a little bit for putting Maura there.

She took a deep breath and walked behind Maura's wheelchair grabbing the handles. "You ready to break out of this joint?"

A tiny giggle followed her question and a shake of a head. "Yes." There was a smile in her voice and Jane felt like she won the lottery.

…

When they walked into Maura's house the smell of home cooked Italian and the sound of Angela Rizzoli talking hit them. Maura looked up at Jane confusion in her wide eyes. Jane looked shyly back helping Maura from her coat. "I may have asked her to cook us dinner. She may have taken it a little too far and we may have ready to eat meals for us for the next week. And your turtle's probably really fat by now, because she spoils _everything _she loves. I'm sure I'll have to roll Jo out of the door for her walks later." Jane laughed sticking her own coat next to Maura's.

"Tortoise." Maura corrected automatically. Her eyes scanned Jane's body, falling back on what she knew. There was a smirk on her face. Her motions were easy like she'd hung her coat there every day all of her life, like it belonged there next to hers. Jane had an ease that Maura had never seen anyone have around her because she was too much of everything for anyone to be comfortable around her. And then Jane's words finally connected inside her overly tired brain. Jane used the words _us _and _we_ multiple times and again it hit her deep in her chest in an unexpected place.

She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't always like that, she wasn't always waiting for Jane to leave but after the shooting at the warehouse, after the situation with Hope, after Dennis – she found herself waiting. She was convinced that not only would the other shoe drop, but Jane would realize how much of a mess she was, how opposite she was to the person Jane knew her to be and Jane would slam the shoe on the ground and slam the door on her way out with such a force that all the windows would break.

She wished she didn't think that way. She wished she could explain it to Jane but every time she tried she failed. It was inevitable. She loved something, she got attached, and the thing left. It wasn't even a hypothesis anymore, it was a time tested theory. She wasn't worth staying around for so she was in constant amazement that Angela was in her kitchen at random, that Frankie came over for a beer with Jane to watch the game, that Frost and Korsak didn't mind having her with them at the bar.

And when the other shoe dropped she would be alone again because Jane would take it all with her because why would anyone stay around, just for her? Then the rest of Jane's sentence hit her again like a knockout punch. Did that mean Angela loved her? She felt dizzy, so dizzy she didn't notice the look of concern on Jane's face and barely felt her touch on her arm. "Maur, you okay?"

Maura snapped out of it, looking at Jane again. It hurt. She didn't know why. But the ache in her chest was unmistakable. She wanted Jane to leave, wanted her to stay, wanted her to love her and make promises she couldn't keep. She hated that she needed her because she didn't need anyone, she never needed need anyone. But she needed Jane. And the thought alone was enough to give her pause.

"Maura?" Jane questioned again, her voice full of concern

Maura blinked and smiled. Jane's frown deepened. "The food smells delicious." And she turned to walk into the kitchen. Jane stood in the foyer perplexed. She wished Maura would just talk to her, she knew she was a pot calling the kettle black with that one, but it was a different level of paranoid annoyance when she was on the opposite end of it. She heard her mother greet Maura, heard Jo bark. She took another deep breath and followed Maura.

…

"Why haven't you left yet?"

Jane jerked in the bed blinking rapidly. She was on the cusp of sleep and with the way Maura was nearly falling asleep in her spaghetti she thought she was out long ago. She yawned giving her body a stretch. "I can…I can go…If you want…?"

Maura sniffed. She wished this would just stop. That she could turn off her emotions and quiet her mind. "That's not..." She trailed.

Jane rolled on her side and propped her head up on her hand elbow digging into the mattress. "Maura." She started. She wanted to tell her she was there, that she was a safe place, but the words weren't coming, so they laid side by side waiting for the darkness to give them powers they lacked in daylight.

"I don't..." Maura started. She wiped angrily at the tears already falling. She pushed through though, the words coming out too fast, too eager. "I don't know who I am and you look at me like I'm still the same person I was before and I'm waiting for you to realize I'm not and when you do you're going to leave because everyone leaves, Jane. I'm not…You can stop wasting your time." She buried her face in her hands. "What is wrong with me?"

"Hey," Jane gently pried the hands away from Maura's face. She looked her in the eye. "You don't know who you are? Welcome to the human race, I can see if Ma will bake you some cookies to soften the blow."

Maura coughed out a laugh smiling slightly. "How do you do that?"

Jane shrugged. "Rizzoli charm, I guess." She brushed the pad of her thumb across the wet streak on Maura's cheek. "I hate it when you cry." Her whispered words floated between them, hanging in the small space.

"I know."

Jane bent down the darkness giving her courage and kissed Maura softly on the cheek. She lowered herself so she was half on top of Maura carefully avoiding the side she had surgery on in some version of a half-hug. "I hate it more when you shut me out. You are the same person, Maura. Finding out where you came from, doesn't change that. You're the same goofy, dumb genius as always." She was about to roll back on her side when she felt Maura's arms snake around her waist, her fingers grip her shirt.

Maura inhaled deeply through her nose and felt it. A peaceful calm washed over her as she breathed Jane in, as she held her close. She belonged here. There wasn't a doubt in her mind. She belonged there with Jane.

Jane was her favorite book, worn at the edges with a broken spine, pages worn thin and dog eared and lying there in her arms she didn't need to hear the words. It amazed her how they could communicate so well nonverbally, it amazed her that she could understand all of the space between the lines, when she couldn't do that with anyone else. She didn't need to hear from Jane promises of staying forever because she felt it in her arms. Jane was her piece of perspective. Her questions, the thoughts from earlier faded to lesser versions. Her insecurities separated from her mind and just as sleep was finally taking over her tired mind and body she heard it, close and raspy in her ear. "I love you."

…

They didn't talk about it in the morning, it would break one of their unwritten rules. Maura often found it silly that they had so many little rules and nuances but in the same breath it was exciting and important. She'd never had a best friend before and while there were a lot of things Maura still didn't fully understand like some of Jane's sarcasm and jokes it was nice to feel included.

But something changed inside of her as she fell asleep with her arms wrapped around her best friend. She didn't know what it was that changed, she didn't fully understand most matters of the heart when it really mattered, especially in the murky waters of friendship and family. There were lines and rules that she wasn't aware of, that she didn't want to accidently cross.

When she felt Jane disentangle herself in the middle of the night from her she felt a wave of unreasonable discontent and it didn't make sense. Equally when Jane came out of the bathroom, crawled back under the blankets, and wrapped her arms around her again the elation in her veins didn't make any sense either. And in the shifting, in the unknown, something changed. But it was too early to think about and she was too tired and Jane was too warm.

She had forgotten about it until breakfast when she sat across from a yawning Jane and the light from the window shone on dark hair and lazy eyes met hers and that crooked grin played on chapped lips and their fingers brushed in the passing of a coffee mug. For the first time in weeks, maybe even months she felt something glimmering on happiness, something that left her feeling full and warm and cozy.

Of course, it could've also been the medication she was taking, or the tiredness her body had yet to fully recover from.

Unlike the other things she couldn't explain this one fell into a different category, a normal category, for them at least. It fell on solid ground. And so it didn't leave her with questions, because she knew she'd analyze it later and that was okay. She smiled easily at Jane over the rim of her coffee cup.

Jane raised an eyebrow gulping down some coffee. "So what are your plans for your two weeks off?"

Maura scrunched her face. She was not looking forward to that, just being alone with her thoughts in her big empty house without Jane to rein her back in. But she did have a small pile of medical texts she hadn't gotten the chance to read. "I have a bunch of reading to catch up on." Bass made a noise on the floor and Maura smiled down at him. And she wouldn't actually be alone because she would have him and Jo Friday to keep her company.

Jane nodded. "Sounds boring." Jane winked, both knowing she was baiting Maura and that even with that knowledge Maura would take the bait. It was a game they played often. And just that easily they fell back into a routine, fell back into them like the past few days never happened. Jane had no idea what she did the night before except crack a stupid joke and give Maura a strangely positioned hug but it seemed to work, at least for the time being. And Jane would take whatever she could get.

…

They fell into a routine fairly quickly, one that didn't differ largely from normal. Jane would go to work and then she'd go back to Maura's for dinner. A pile of her clothes were slowly accumulating in the guest room and Jo had a big backyard to play in. Some nights Angela would be sitting with Maura when she got there, and some nights Maura would be asleep on the couch a book open on her chest or the glow of the TV dancing on her face. And each time Jane walked through the door of that house in Beacon Hill and threw her keys in the bowl by the door her shoulders relaxed and when she saw or heard Maura a peace settled in her heart.

Suddenly, she was sold on the idea of having someone to come home to. It wasn't at all suffocating or demanding, as she'd always imagined. It was actually really nice. Or maybe it was just her best friend, just Maura that made it so nice. Jane was sure that whoever married Maura would be one lucky guy, and she didn't know why that thought made her feel so strange.

Near the end of the first week Maura asked if she could accompany Jane for Jo Friday's walk saying how she would love the fresh air and it would be good for her. Jane, of course, agreed. Jo Friday pulled at the leash her tongue sticking out of her mouth, snorting as she sniffed the grass around the sidewalk. Maura pulled her jacket closer around her as they walked. It was a cool evening, a cold front was blowing through and Maura wished she'd brought a thicker jacket with her. With a smirk Jane unzipped her own jacket. "Jane, that's not necessary." Maura said holding her hand up.

She shrugged pulling it from her arms anyway and draping it over Maura's shoulders. "What kind of friend would I be if I didn't give the lady a jacket when she's cold?"

"A warm one." Maura smiled slipping her arms through the sleeves that still held the heat from Jane's body.

"Oh," Jane poked Maura in the shoulder. "She's got jokes now."

"Ha ha." Maura looped their arms together. She smiled as Jane leaned into her switching the leash to her other hand. "I heard what you said to Hope." She didn't know what caused her to say it, not really anyway. Of course, she'd been thinking about it off and on since it happened but in the open with Jane on her arm it just slipped out.

She felt Jane tense. "Oh."

"No." Maura squeezed her arm. "I…Do you really think that way? About me?"

"You really are a dumb genius." Jane laughed knocking their shoulders together. "Yes. You are in invaluable part of our homicide team, and you've done more for my family than I think my family has done for themselves sometimes. I mean seriously, Maur, half of us are alive because of you and my mother isn't out on the streets because you gave her your guest house. You are a fantastic human being." A blush raced across Jane's face as she finished.

They paused on the sidewalk as Jo circled a bush. Getting on her tip-toes she gave Jane a quick kiss on the cheek. "No one's ever done that for me before." Maura whispered quietly into the cool air staring at the sidewalk.

"What?" Jane asked dazed. Why did that feel so good?

Maura cleared her throat. "No one's ever…stood up for me, before." Jane bit her lip looking down at Maura in her oversized maroon jacket with her downcast eyes. She wanted to hold her, shelter her from the bad even though Maura could defend herself. "Besides you." Maura continued with a slight shake of her head and a slight laugh. "You're constantly amazing me with the things you do."

Then Jane did hold her and the promise was there, hidden in the space between the words and arms. Maura smiled into Jane's shoulder and Jane smiled into Maura's hair. Jane couldn't even pretend to not notice how nice it felt standing there on the side walk with Maura even with the goosebumbs on her arms.

"Feelings mutual, Maura."

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	7. Realizations

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Jane sat with a sigh in the hospital waiting room. Again. She felt like she was always there for one reason or another. Especially lately. Contrary to what her mother (and Lieutenant) thought she didn't actually like hospitals. They were exhausting, no matter what she was there for. She slouched in the chair adjusting her hips in the cold plastic to keep her gun from digging into her side. She took a sip of her coffee and looked around the waiting room.

She couldn't help but wonder where it all went. It was a small thought she generally had when spending an unsolicited amount of time anywhere within those walls. And as she waited for Maura to finish with her follow up exam to take her home the thought invaded her mind once more.

Where did it go? The days? The hours? The personal effects? She knew as a detective, as a patient, as a family member, a friend the answer to that question was different depending on the shoes she was wearing.

When people were thrown into hospital things got scattered. They got lost and found and disappeared forever. She had lost a blazer as she kept a blood soaked hand over a gaping wound of an officer that was injured on seen, a blazer that had her case notes and favorite pen and good portion of her cards in it. And once on patrol after getting hit in the head by a frying pan during a domestic she had lost one of her boots. How that happened she had no idea, but when she came to her full uniform was there in a box at the foot of her bed only minus a boot. There were other things too, like a brand new pair of socks, a very trustworthy watch, and a St. Michaels pendant her mother gave her when she made detective. She never found any of those things again. They weren't in lost in found, some doctor or intern didn't have them. They were just gone.

Hospitals were deceptive places. Inside those walls stories, half-written and bloodied, were carried out without the author's consent. Stories of 'should have', 'could have', 'would have' flowed through loose lips of morphine, an unread letter, a ring in the pocket of a brand new suit. Whatever it was, things were never the same coming out as they were going in. And maybe that was what scared her so much.

She had no idea when she became so dependent, so involved with Maura. One day she was Detective Rizzoli, the ball buster from the drug unit trying to find her place in homicide and next she was taking vacation days with the chief ME and sitting next to hospital beds and thinking too much and wishing for too much and trying her best to make her best friend smile. Somehow over the years, Maura made her soft and it wasn't a totally horrible thing.

Jane let her head thunk against the wall behind her and closed her eyes. Maura was somewhere in that building getting felt up by some doctor who was asking her too many personal questions. (She felt a blush race up her neck and onto her ears at the thought.) When she left Frost and Korsak they were playing trashcan basketball in the bullpen and Frankie was probably sitting at her desk watching them and going through all of her stuff. She just wanted to go home, well, Maura's home and spend one last night with her before going back to her apartment. She sighed, briefly wondering on when Maura's home became a sort of second home to her, but before she could get too far ahead someone interrupted her.

"Jane?"

Instantly the detective sat up straight, eyes blinking rapidly as they landed on Casey. Her mind did a one-eighty and she was thrown for a loop. She swore she stopped breathing, that her heart stopped beating. The sides of her coffee cup gave a little at the sudden pressure imposed by her hand. The hair on the back of her neck bristled like a dog ready for a fight.

She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that he became that person to her. She couldn't quote the day, what she was wearing, or the weather when he changed, when she changed, when they changed but it was there. It was evident, clearly stated in suddenly tense muscles. She tried to curb the sharpness of her features, the intensity in her eyes but her guard was up, undoubtedly, and no amount of self-censoring would bring that wall down. They were so alike that it made them grind together in all of the wrong spots, made them weather and erode and left them weak in their most vulnerable places. She had enough, it took her that long but she was finally there. And now whatever door Casey had previously wide open in front of him was chained shut.

He was sitting in a wheelchair looking tired but there was a twinkle behind his blue eyes. He looked almost happy. It was the look of a painful recovery, of a 'just starting to get everything back in order' kind of recovery. She knew that look all too well. She wondered when he had his surgery, if it went well. He hadn't called her, hadn't reached out at all since the building collapsed. And there was that anger again, pulsing underneath her skin like a heartbeat. They sat for a moment in awkward silence, neither of them knowing what to say or what could be said. He coughed giving the uniformed man behind him a pointed look and waited for him to leave before speaking. "You look great." He commented easily gesturing to her form.

Jane looked down at her black slacks and V-neck out of habit. When people complimented her looks she never knew what they saw or why it mattered. There were other things she rather they comment on, like her work ethic, or telling her she did something brave, something daring, or that she did good work. Those were things that made chills sweep through her spine. Those were things people said with a strong jaw and hard eyes, those were things that mattered. Now, if she put more effort into her appearance, like someone like Maura did, then she would probably appreciate the compliment more, but as it was it always felt like a cheap one to her.

Regardless she knew she looked good, better than the last time he saw her. Although that wasn't saying much as the last time he saw her she was covered in dirt and so exhausted she couldn't see straight. After practically living with Maura for a week eating all of the right things when she should she felt a difference in her performance, in the mirror, in the way she felt. It helped too that work had been slow over the last few weeks, so she'd been able to get plenty of rest. She assumed Cavanaugh just wanted her to get some rest for once, and normally that would've set her off and she would've taken it straight to him until he gave her a case but she was on the precipice of burning out, running solely on fumes and every case was just taking more and more from her so that she was down to her last five percent.

She'd seen other detectives fall short because of that. They lost their jobs, they quit working hard, they lost their fire, took desk jobs. Burn out wasn't fun, and wasn't something she was looking forward to and it wasn't like she had nothing to do with her free time. She had spent most of it with Maura walking and talking and eating and taking Jo Friday to the dog park. And in doing so, in the small amount of recharging she was doing she felt her pieces come back together, she felt stronger after the fact.

"Everything okay?" Casey asked hesitantly after a moment of awkward silence.

"Maura had a…thing." She answered slowly.

"Oh." He nodded. "Is she…alright?"

Jane nodded midway through a sip of coffee. "What about you? Last I heard you were having surgery."

He knew he deserved the bitterness in her voice, but it was okay now. "It worked." He said quietly looking up at her. His smile grew like he still couldn't even believe it himself yet. Jane grinned, genuinely happy for him. The percent of success was very slim and she was glad that he wasn't dead or fully paralyzed, even though he probably never planned on telling her. "It's a long road ahead with lots of therapy but the future looks," Their eyes locked and it felt like all of the butterflies in her stomach he always seemed to cause just died. "It looks good."

Jane's smile slowly dropped. Did he really think he could just smile and say it was okay now and she would go running back to him? Did he really think after pushing her away countless times that he could just…that it would be fine? "Casey I -"

"I'm sorry that took longer than expected." Maura said without looking up as she riffled through her purse. She squirted some hand sanitizer on her hands and looked up straightening her blazer as she did and saw two sets of eyes on her. The shock in her face only lasted a second or two, the weight in her stomach lasted much longer. "Hello, Casey." She said icily.

He nodded coolly. "Maura."

Jane looked between the two, slightly confused at the cold indifference in which they regarded the other. She stood up from her chair and next to Maura. "You ready to go?"

As Jane walked passed her, Maura furrowed her eyebrows. Not bothering with a goodbye to the soldier she followed Jane whose steps were short and slow enough that Maura could catch up with her when she wanted. "Oh, you don't have to leave on my account. I could always get a cab, if you want to catch up."

"Don't be ridiculous." Jane pressed the down elevator button.

"I was trying to be sarcastic." The doctor whispered into Jane's ear.

The detective snorted trying to ignore the goose bumps Maura caused to race across her skin, and the light flush creeping up her neck. "You need to work on the delivery."

Maura smiled with a shake of her head. "So what did he want?" Maura asked sliding into the passenger side of her car.

Jane shook her head and started the car. "I think," She looked out of the back window as she backed out to give herself a little more time. "I think he wants to…try again…again. I'm not really sure."

"Oh." Again there was that weight, unmistakable in nature. It was dread, pure dread. She didn't know she could dislike someone as much as she disliked Casey Jones. He was arrogant almost, ironic in a way. He wanted to pretend he was something he wasn't, and she didn't like that. She hated it when people lied or presented themselves in a manner that they were not. She was sure she could give Jane a better than anything he could, and she wouldn't be terrible to her either. They – she and Jane – would be good for each other, in that sense. She glanced at the woman next to her. It wasn't that she never thought of dating the detective, but that she never thought of it seriously. Only now…

"But how was your thing?"

Maura swallowed thickly. "It was fine. I'm –I'm fine, everything's going as it should." Jane nodded her head as her thoughts moved in all different directions. The rest of the ride was made in silence.

…

Jane looked down at the pleasant weight pressed against her right shoulder. Her right arm had fallen asleep but she didn't have the heart to wake the person resting on top of it to get the blood flowing again. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. Maura had shifted during the course of the show they were watching. Her head rested against Jane's shoulder, her eyes were closed in sleep and her mouth was slightly open. The rest of her body was tucked underneath her, folded almost into herself and Jane. Jane couldn't help but revel in how Maura felt pressed against her, how nice it always felt when Maura was pressed against her.

She let her eyes trail over the shape of Maura's face. Her eyes roamed over the slope of her cheek, the rise and fall of her nose until they landed on slightly parted lips. She wondered if they felt as soft as they looked. She wondered what her lip gloss would taste like, how her body would feel pressed against hers in _that _way. She wanted to kiss her so hard and so long they would forget about everything else, and it was just them and Maura's magical couch and soft skin and soft lips.

She blinked.

Normally, her mind didn't race like that. Normally, if she thought of Maura in that context it didn't get that far. And usually when she thought of Maura that way it was after some big event, never when they were doing something as safe and simple as watching TV. But there she was, blurring the line again in her mind. It didn't surprise her. She felt it building inside of her for a while and seeing Casey that day only solidified her thoughts.

Her heart switched up on her, her allegiance had changed almost unnoticeably. As she sat on the couch yawning she thought of her latest romantic endeavors and where Maura would possibly fit in.

When she thought about Dean she thought about betrayal. He caught her in multiple vulnerable moments and after a night in bed he betrayed her trust by using what she had told him in confidence against her. She felt used and dirty and then he left, leaving her to deal with the fallout he created all by herself. They were not united. They weren't equals. He didn't think he did anything wrong, and she wasn't even sorry he got himself shot.

And Casey was an old wound that kept reopening. Everything he touched inside of her was full of fresh bitterness. He left her with questions, debilitating questions and insecurities like she was that dorky high school kid with a crush on the coolest guy at school again. Why wasn't she enough to love? What was her catch? Her defect? Was it the job? Or just her? Was she only worth sleeping with? Because he wasn't interested in anything else she had to offer. He wasn't interested in her heart, or her passions, or her emotions. He was so caught up in his own problems that he couldn't see what she was willing to give him. Casey was a big question mark of self-doubt. He was pain. He was 'not good enough' and rejection and hurt.

But Maura, when she thought about Maura the self-doubt disappeared. When she thought about Maura she thought about 'fun' facts and bad jokes and lightly scented citrus shampoo. She thought of gentle curves and a bright smile and wine. Maura was home, a safe place free of ridicule, a place she could hide away while her world shattered around her. She was her hallowed ground, her soft place to land. And everything,_ everything, _about wanting to kiss her and hold her and so much more felt right.

She and Maura were equals, on level footing with another which was different than everyone else. There were no mind games, or tricks or foul play because they were friends, best friends. And maybe that was why people fell for their best friend.

Jane sank further into the couch and buried her nose in blond hair inhaling that perfect scent completely. Maura shifted against her at the movement burying her face in the crook of Jane's neck murmuring slightly against her skin as her arm came from between her knees to around Jane's waist. Jane closed her eyes trying to memorize the moment, trying to put all of it into her memory for later knowing that when they woke up the light of day would inject fear into her veins.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting!


	8. Stories

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Her revelation didn't strike fear into her body when she woke up like she was afraid it would. In fact, regardless of sleeping on the couch, she woke up feeling like she could take on the world. Like her tank was on full and her brain wasn't fuzzy from the residual effects of insomnia, her nights weren't littered with nightmares. She finally felt like herself again. And she knew Maura had played a large role in that. It wasn't even anything specific, it was just having a place to go to. Like shelter in the midst of a thunder storm, that's what Maura was to her.

She woke up face down on the couch alone with a blanket over her shoulders, an arm and a leg dangling off the cushions, and the smell of bacon in the air. She knew it was turkey bacon, that the breakfast Maura was cooking was of the healthy variety meaning egg whites and whole grain pancakes. But secretly she kind of liked it, especially after hearing that statistic about cops not making it very long after retirement. Plus, it was infinitely better than the day olds that awaited her in the bullpen.

Jane stood from the couch with a yawn, her back cracking slightly as she stretched. She scratched her stomach as she walked into the kitchen. Dark tired eyes scanned the kitchen for signs of her best friend and it wasn't until she looked at the floor that she saw her and a grin immediately spouted across her face.

Maura was cross-legged watching Bass as he slowly worked his way through a cactus pad. Jane bit her lip trying to keep the pathetic 'aww' from escaping her mouth, or whatever the hell was trying to break free. It was cute, watching Maura with Bass. They had their own brand of communication, like they could read each other's minds or something. As she stood there and watched them, another question popped into her head adding to the quickly growing list. Why did Maura pick a turtle (tortoise) for a pet? Over a traditional dog or cat? She had a feeling the answer was going to be heartbreaking, but at the same time she needed to know, like she needed to know everything else.

Jane stood feet frozen to the tile a smile fixated on her face as she watched Maura watch Bass. Sun was just barely up in the sky and the orangey glow seeped through the thin curtains of the kitchen window. Maura's hair was a ruffled mess alerting her that she had been awake only long enough to cook them breakfast.

Morning-Maura was her favorite for that reason. Her favorite because she knew so few were able to see this side of her, where she wasn't pristine, and proper, where she was wearing an old BCU t-shirt and plaid pants that belonged to Jane. And maybe it was her mind playing tricks on her, making it out to be bigger than it was, but this image that morning caught her completely wrong-footed. And she had that thought again. She wanted to hug her and kiss her and love her and whisper sweet things in her ear and make her breakfast in bed and listen to her speak about all of the random things she knew. But she settled, like always, for watching her watch Bass with that perfect tiny smile on her face.

"I made you breakfast." Maura stated not looking up from Bass. "It's on the table."

The detective blinked at the intrusion upon her thoughts. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

Sitting at her desk four days later made her wish for that moment back.

"Next time I see Pike, I'm going to hurt him."

Jane snorted looking up from her desk at Frost who just walked into the bullpen. He went down to see Dr. Pike about the newest autopsy report after losing a game of rock-paper-scissors. "You're going to have to get in line." Jane grunted.

To say the morgue was a different place when Maura wasn't there was an understatement. The lab techs seemed slower, they talked more, nothing was in its place – it was like a group of high school kids when they had a substitute teacher for the day. Only this substitute teacher lasted for two weeks. To top it all off, Maura's desk, which Pike shouldn't have been sitting at at all, was basically trashed.

After almost two weeks of Pike's reign the Chief Medical Examiner's office had been reduced to a crippling mess rather than the perfunctory, well-oiled machine it once was. Jane couldn't count the amount of detectives that had asked her when Maura was coming back.

"That moron changed out cause of death. Again." Frost tossed the file in his hand onto Jane's desk like he couldn't bear to look at it any longer. He fell into his chair with a gruff sigh. "He says he found some 'new evidence' that changed his opinion. You know," He looked at his partner. "I finally understand why Dr. Isles doesn't guess and I kind of really appreciate her for it now."

Giving a dry laugh Jane nodded as she flipped through the barely legible notes of one Dr. Pike. Sure enough, the cause of death for their victim Robert Hoover whom they found in a bathtub two days ago was changed from drowning to suffocation to blunt force trauma to the back of his head. "Ughh." Jane groaned dropping her head to her desk. They'd been on this case for three days, and Pike kept making assumptions rather than doing the work at a fast pace. They learned their lessons from the last time they worked with him, so they took all of what he said with a grain of salt, though it made their jobs seem twice as hard as they should have.

"My thoughts exactly." Frost retorted throwing his head back with a groan of his own.

The one lead that they had was that it looked like a robbery. Their victim's apartment had been ransacked and with the help with a family member they had a list of things that had been stolen and the word out to all of the local pawn shops.

By the end of the week they finally got a hit on some of the stolen goods at a pawn shop, with an address in hand and a warrant at the ready she and Frost drove out to their suspect's location.

…

Jane walked into Maura's house with a deep breath and a heavy sigh. She looked down at her shoes and then Maura's beige carpet before yanking them off and throwing them back outside on the porch. After peeling off her socks and hiking up her pants she walked into the living room.

Maura smiled at the words in her book at the sounds of Jane walking into her house. She had sent a text as a sort of open invitation, with the promise of dinner and beer of course. Honestly, over the last two weeks even with Jane's random visits and Angela popping in occasionally to share dinner, she was lonely. Which was funny in itself because she used to relish her alone time, and now it seemed she sought for that time with Jane or their friends and family. She was eager to get back to work not only to ease those feelings, but to also get back into a routine, so everything would feel normal again. Things had been constantly changing and she needed the monotony of work back into her life. Her smile dropped the second her eyes landed on the woman in her thoughts. "Oh my god." Immediately, she was off the couch. "What happened?" She pinched the lapel of Jane's blazer between her index and thumb trying to test what substance Jane was covered in.

"I thought it would be fun to go for a swim." The detective hissed through chattering teeth. She was so cold she felt like she'd never be warm again. No matter how hard she tried to stop her body from shaking, it refused to listen to her.

Maura's eyes bugged out. "Why would you go swimming fully clothed when it's so cold out?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I didn't – I don't mean – I was being sarcastic!"

"Oh."

"Our suspect didn't think Boston Police were tough enough to follow him into the harbor." She smirked despite the cold, and despite Maura's disapproving look.

"So you followed him into the harbor." Maura finished for her. She let her eyes rake down the shivering body in front of her, calculating what to do first. "Where are your shoes?" She asked her voice full of trepidation when she noticed Jane's bare feet.

"Threw 'em outside, didn't want to get your carpet dirty."

Maura breathed a sigh of relief. "That's very considerate of you." She grabbed Jane's hand, gasping at how cold it was, and pulled her towards her bedroom.

"Maura," Jane whined as they walked into Maura's bathroom. "Where are you taking me?" She'd never taken a shower in Maura's bathroom. She tried once but Maura had one of those weird, crazy futuristic things that had way too many buttons and settings and she spent five minutes trying to figure it out before wrapping a towel around herself and vacating to the guest room.

"You are going to have a nice hot bath to warm you up." Maura started digging through her cabinets for the bath salts and soap she used when taking her own baths. "And, it will help with the soreness, I'm sure you will feel tomorrow." She added with a look back at Jane over her shoulder. Some of the color had come back into her face and she'd stopped shivering just from being in the house, so that was a good sign. She stood putting a stack of towels on the counter and gave Jane a 'you will do as I say, and like it' glare. Jane groaned, pouting. It was a look that made her putty in Maura's hands, even more so lately.

Within five minutes Jane filled the tub with far too many bubbles, clipped her hair up, and stripped down to her birthday suit before slipping into the warm water. She wasn't a bath person by nature. She spent the adequate amount of time in the shower that she needed to do her business and then she left. Chalk it up to her upbringing or to her boyish habits, but 'bath time' stopped happening when she was old enough to take her own showers. So she gave herself a second to get used to the feel of having a bath, of just sitting in water to relax. She sank lower in the water resting the back of her head on the tub.

The room smelled like Maura, with all the soaps and the salts and whatever the hell else Maura had in there. As stupid as it sounded she wanted to snuggle into that smell. It was _her_, that smell. When she was scared and lost it was Maura and that light citrus-flowery combination of a smell that brought her back. Or just before passing out on a sidewalk in a pool of her own blood it was that smell that made everything hurt a little less. It was what she buried her nose into when they hugged and forgave each other after nearly losing their lives. The warmth of the water spread through her body as she leaned back and closed her eyes letting that smell wrap around her and warm her from the inside out.

She wanted to be with Maura. She wanted to be the person Maura went to for love, for…everything. She wanted to be able to hold her without question, or kiss her on occasion. Jane wanted to laugh, it was sort of silly how she had gotten to this point. But really, it wasn't unexpected. With the amount of time they spent together, with the type of person Maura was who couldn't help but be smitten with her? It didn't even bother her, for the most part, that Maura was a woman. She just wanted to be with her, wanted to make her smile and laugh. Before she could move forward with her thoughts, she needed to do a little recon though, because she wasn't going to screw their friendship up over one-sided feelings.

She had no idea how long she sat there with her eyes closed thinking about Maura before there was a light knock on the door and light footsteps entering the room. Jane cracked an eye open at Maura, confident that the copious amounts of bubbles in her bath covered everything that needed covering. "Hey."

Maura smiled as she sat on the rug next to the tub. "Hey." She held out the signature dark bottle for Jane to take.

Jane grinned reaching with a soap covered hand for the bottle. "Mmm, beer and a hot bath." She took a sip savoring it as it washed down her throat. "A girl could get used to this."

"I also have homemade soup for us downstairs."

Dark eyebrows skyrocketed. "You are perfect."

"Just remember that next time I try to speculate during a case, or babble on about some fact that you don't care about."

"Hey, I like your facts! Most of the time." Jane protested nearly sitting up in the tub before realizing that she was actually naked underneath those bubbles and sunk back down. "Remember the wine I drank at the Robber because you're always talking about the health benefits?" Maura nodded. "I just like to give you a hard time." Jane took another drink. "And you are free to never speculate or guess or assume for the rest of ever."

A blond eyebrow quirked in confusion. "Was Dr. Pike –"

"An incompetent jackass? Yes."

"He's not really a bad…" She trailed off at Jane's glare.

"He _is _a bad _whatever _you were going to say."

"If he wasn't so arrogant he would make a very good medical examiner."

Jane snorted. "Yeah, too bad his head is so far up his own ass he can't see anything." Maura's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and she refrained from saying how that feat was anatomically impossible. Jane grinned mischievously and scooped a handful of bubbles into the palm of her hand. Maura didn't suspect a thing as she was still lost in thought. Jane blew the bubbles in her hand towards her friend. Maura started and squealed as a pack of bubbles landed on her unsuspecting nose. Jane couldn't contain her laughter as Maura wiped it away.

She was sure there was going to be a glare, or a stern word. But, Maura surprised her. The doctor leaned forward dipping her fingers into the water scooping up her own bubbles and threw them at Jane. Maura couldn't contain her laugh as a bubble-coated-faced Jane stared at her in shock. Her eyes drifted towards Jane's pink lips, the only thing bubble free on her face. And Maura felt herself leaning closer and closer to Jane, her hand still in the water, just under the surface. She couldn't control it, she was going to kiss her.

"You know," Jane said finally breaking the silence oblivious to Maura's approach. "If you wanted a bath too, all you had to do was ask." And she grabbed Maura's wrist unexpectedly and yanked.

The shriek that came from Maura's mouth was absolutely ridiculous and the way Maura leapt to her feet shaking out her hand flinging water and bubbles everywhere, left Jane holding her stomach in laughter. "Jane!"

Jane couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard. "Well see," She pointed a soapy finger at Maura. "You could just get in with me since you're already wet." Jane swallowed. Her mouth just went there without her brain's consent. Forget the recon, apparently this was happening now.

But Maura did not question her. Instead shock turned to mischief, and a half-smirk flitted across her lips. Jane was sure her brain short circuited the second she saw that smirk and those dark hazel eyes. And it was definitely fried when Maura reached for the hem of her half-soaked shirt. Her eyes snapped shut but she heard the sound of bare feet on tile, a zipper, and clasps and buttons coming undone, and before she knew it she could feel Maura's body heat right in front of her and the water level rose and holy shit Maura actually got into the bathtub with her.

Maura had no idea what possessed either of them. She had been lonely, and she'd had a lot of time to think about Jane, a lot of time to discover and question her feelings. And they weren't entirely shocking. Jane was always there for her and every time she fell asleep against Jane and woke up with those arms around her, she felt overwhelmingly loved. Like she wanted to stay there forever. The attraction was slow building but present, perhaps always. She loved Jane's smile, that rare beautiful full-faced smile that only she seemed to bring from Jane and the way her eyes sparkled and her curves, though slighter than hers she still loved when Jane dressed to accentuate them. She thought of all of the excessive snark Jane held towards her would be suitors. She thought of the way Jane made her feel safe, and the way she made her feel like she belonged somewhere. Maura felt her heart flutter in her chest in such an indescribably pleasant way.

She could go on for hours about the way Jane made her insides a tumultuous mess. But now, she was sitting in a bathtub with Jane who was naked behind her. Her whole body was hyper aware of the small space separating them, of the long, lean legs on either side of her, of the fact that if she just leaned back two or three inches her back would rest against Jane's soap covered breasts. Just the thought of their bodies pressed together was enough to get her all flustered. She wanted to do so many things but she didn't know if Jane wanted to. The detective hadn't moved a muscle since she slipped into the water.

Jane was sure she had gone to some sort of heaven. Some sort of teenage boy heaven, because that's what she felt like. What was she supposed to do? Where were her arms supposed to go? What were they going to talk about? Was this inappropriate? Did she care? She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to wrap her arms around Maura and close the space between them. She wanted to kiss her neck and kiss her lips and count the freckles on her shoulders. She wanted to read the novel length of words Maura created inside of her. She cracked one eye opened slowly, trying for the 'toe in the water' approach first. Almost immediately both eyes snapped open. How could someone's back look so…?

She licked her suddenly dry lips. She needed more alcohol for this. She couldn't even think of a lame Jane Rizzoli style joke to tell. She felt like a caveman. Cavewoman. Whatever. It was one thing to _know _Maura was in the water with her, but another to actually _see _it. And, boy, did the visual throw everything out the window. The desire to kiss her was almost too much to push down. It was overwhelming, daunting almost and she was already trying to work a plan.

Her eyes raked over a lightly freckled back but then she saw a small patch of barely noticeably darker skin near Maura's right shoulder. It was a scar. Her thoughts from the hospital those weeks ago came floating back to her. A long finger raised from the water and lightly traced over the area. Maura shivered at the touch, her eyes fluttering lightly. "What happened?" Jane's voice was rough and light and barely a whisper stuck between their bodies in all the space.

Maura suppressed another shiver. "It's embarrassing." She admitted in just as quiet of a voice.

Jane laughed, unconsciously scooting close to Maura as she reached for her beer bottle. Her left hand falling to Maura's left hip as Maura's hand landed on her knee. Her heart raced as she downed the rest of it. "Well, now I gotta hear this."

"I was running…"

"…Go on." The empty bottle fell to the floor.

"It was during a Thanksgiving day fun run." Maura took a deep breath, cleared her throat and tried to find her lost thought. She swallowed as the hand on her hip began moving in slow circles against her skin. "A father with a stroller clipped the back of my heel. I tripped and slid across the concrete, he fell on top of me. Luckily, his son was with his mother a few feet back and not actually in the stroller, otherwise…"

"Why weren't you running with the elite people?"

"It was a fun run they hardly have –"

"I know." Jane laughed. "But there's still a competition going on. Why were you with the strollers and the children and not the other people?"

Maura sighed leaning back slightly into Jane barely resting against her. "My engagement with Garrett had just ended."

"Oh."

"I hadn't been training." She finished trying not to get distracted by Jane's hot breath on her neck.

Jane outlined the scar with her index finger once more. Her nose pressed against the side of Maura's neck as she breathed closing her eyes. Her arms found themselves around the waist in front of her and she completely lost it when Maura fully leaned into her, back pressed to her front. She wanted to lock this in memory. "Sometimes, I feel like I don't know anything about you."

"You know more about me than anyone." The answer was immediate and again in the same volume and tone as Jane's statement. They were in some kind of trance and neither wanted to break it with too loud voices.

"I don't know your stories." Jane was trying really hard not to let her hands wander to any 'danger' areas. Maura hadn't protested thus far, and she got the feeling that she wanted this too, but thinking and actually doing were two different things and she wasn't quite ready to go there yet.

"You know my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings. You know all of the things that matter. Besides," She sighed contently. "There are stories of yours I don't know."

"Like what?" Jane asked perplexed.

And that's how they spent the rest of the evening: exchanging stories back and forth until the water got cold, skirting the very thin line between them but never crossing it, sitting close but not too close, being intimate but not _that _kind of intimate. But perhaps they both knew that this, this thing between them, couldn't go on like that forever, something was going to have to give eventually.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting!


	9. Shifting

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

They said the only thing constant in life was change. So far in Jane's thirty-six years everything had supported that very notion. Transition periods happened all of the time, anywhere and in everything. They occurred during a case, in relationships, in moments of vulnerability, in strength.

During An interrogation she could feel the way the atmosphere changed. How when she got too close or too far away the person she was interviewing would do something to change it. It was the stiffening of the shoulders, the narrowing of eyes, lip biting, crossed arms, a shaking leg. People had all kinds of tells and she knew almost all of them. Give her five minutes with a killer and she could probably give at least an eighty-five to ninety percent accuracy rate on guilty or innocent. (Though they would still have to have proper evidence of course, as much as she would like for her gut to be a concrete source it wasn't. But it usually gave her somewhere to start.) She couldn't say scientifically what that change in atmosphere was caused by, that was more in Maura's field, but it was there clear as day.

Transition also happened because new information was constantly coming to light. The world would shift and change to accommodate this new uncovered gem. The entire balance of fate rested in new knowledge and research.

The Bathtub Incident, as she had dubbed it in her mind with capital letters like that because that's what made something official and important, was the beginning of their transition period. The 'new information' was her more than friendly feelings. And everything was shifting and turning and molding around that fact.

Jane felt a lot of differing, conflicting emotions about the new development. She was both terrified and relieved, frustrated and at ease, and about a million other things boiling under her skin all at once. Everything was getting clogged like a traffic jam on her emotional highway, and she didn't like it. It was new and unnerving and left her fumbling.

But the main thing was she was facing this alone. There wasn't a sniper on the roof of a building ready to take out the threat if things went south. There wasn't a team talking in her ear. The place wasn't surrounded and she wasn't wearing a vest. It was just her, one man in the blast zone trying to diffuse the bomb alone without backup.

And she made stupid decisions when she was alone.

She wanted to tell Maura. It was overriding and simple and a fact. She wanted Maura to know just so she could stop wondering, so she could stop talking herself out of it and then back in it and then out of it and back in it and so on and so forth.

She didn't want to tell Maura. Maura was good and light and every time they hugged she wanted to stay there forever. What if voicing her thoughts ruined it? What if saying it out loud made it wrong? She was bad with relationships. Casey was proof of that. Dean was proof of that. Grant was proof of that. She was bad at them. She didn't care and she cared too much and they never worked and there had to be some sort of flaw within her that she couldn't see because those men were relatively nice men, with good jobs. They were the kind of men her mother wanted her to settle down with. So why couldn't she?

She wasn't gay. But she didn't quite know what she was. And that was a whole ball of shit she wasn't about to open just for the hell of it. She needed to be sure. And what if she wasn't? What would happen if she went through with voicing her thoughts and voicing her opinions and her feelings and they weren't as strong as she thought?

"Fuck." Jane growled. Neon green numbers on her night stand table read 4:34. She'd slept three hours. Three whole hours. She groaned tossing her arm over her eyes. She was going to have to figure something out because every time she looked at her shower she could picture Maura clearly water splashing over her chest, the silhouette of a pale back through the shower curtain. She could perfectly imagine soap running down Maura's yoga toned body and then she was a whole other kind of frustrated. And she couldn't sleep and her head hurt and her chest burned and she needed to figure something out.

…

Maura walked promptly into the precinct exceptionally early. It was her first day back and she wanted to get her morgue back to its 'former glory' as Jane had referred to it over the weekend. After the couple of other times of leaving Dr. Pike in charge she knew what awaited her. Luckily, by now she had developed a sort of routine. She knew where he would put the medical instruments in relation to where she put hers which made it infinitely easier to get everything back in order.

She flipped on the lights a smile creeping onto her face as she walked into the room. Her fingertips ghosted over the cool, sterile metal of an autopsy table, over the tray of medical instruments and metallic bowls. It didn't matter that the scalpel was next to the bone saw or that the tray was to the right of the table rather than the left, those were superficial problems that would be fixed within the hour.

To everyone else the morgue was a scary place. It was a place no one wanted to walk into unless they had no choice and no lackey they could send. To everyone else, it was where death came to lay in wait, where death was examined and laid bare, all of the secrets at her fingertips just waiting to be told.

To her it was her sanctuary.

As Maura stood in the middle of her morgue she felt different, anew almost. She made the decision there she was going to move on. She wasn't going to be sad about the events that lead her there. She was going to let go of the unwanted feelings. She was going to be stronger and braver. She was going to fight for things and let go of them in the same breath. All it did was lead to hurt and deception and things that were less than subpar and she was done with that. She nodded to herself in a quiet affirmation of this before walking into her office.

A grin immediately blossomed across her face. There was a cup of coffee, the cup being from her favorite coffee shop and a little brown sack. As she got closer she saw a small yellow sticky note stuck to the side of the bag. She pulled it off and read. In Jane's messy scrawl it said: _Welcome back. _It wasn't anything profound or life altering, but the warmth of bag, the heat radiating from the cup told her that she probably just missed Jane. The warmth reminded her of Jane, whose skin even days later she could still feel against her submerged in water if she closed her eyes hard enough. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She made a mental addendum to her earlier vow.

She would tell Jane how she felt.

…

"You okay, Jane?" Frost inquired looking over at his partner. Jane looked still chewing on the Tums in her mouth, question and confusion all over her face. He raised an eyebrow. "You've been popping those Tums faster than Korsak after he eats Mexican."

"Hey!" Korsak defended walking into the bullpen. He loosened his tie and fell into his chair with a heavy exhale.

Frost sat back in his chair. "What's the matter old man? Run into another ex-wife?"

"Har har. I just gave Elsie back to Lt. Jones." At the end of his sentence his eyes went wide and they both looked at Jane.

"What?" She shrugged before taking a long drink of her coffee.

"Is he not a sensitive subject anymore?" Korsak questioned.

"_That _why you're popping antacid like it's going out of style?" Frost followed.

Jane scowled at the both of them. "I didn't even know he was back in town." It was only a half-lie. He had called her the night before (and the night before that and the night before that…) It was so stupid and ironic how the tables had changed. Though he had called she hadn't answered and therefore didn't technically know where he was at.

"Really?" Frost asked intrigued. "So how do you feel about the fact that he didn't call you to tell you he was back in town. Again." He added quickly.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Alright Dr. Phil, I need a refill." She pointed to her cup. "You guys need one?" They shook their heads. Jane stood and left the bullpen.

"Something is up with her." Frost commented pointing at his partner's desk.

Korsak shrugged. "Something's always up with her."

"Good point."

…

Maura hadn't stopped to take a break until after lunch. When she finally stopped to sit at her desk, her chair was not at the proper height. She huffed in annoyance and adjusted it. No matter how many times she told Pike not to sit in her chair he just couldn't help himself. She threw _another _stray pen into the holder on her desk and straightened the files again. She was almost tempted to send Dr. Pike to the most rural, dullest part of Massachusetts just for what he'd done to her morgue over the last two weeks. She picked up her phone and brought up a new text screen. _Thank you for the coffee and bagel! I definitely needed the extra carbohydrates. Dr. Pike sat in my chair. _

Jane grabbed her phone off of her hip when it vibrated and felt herself smile as she read Maura's text. "So she did get the note." She said aloud into the empty elevator. She'd spent five minutes standing in Maura's office trying to decide what to write on the note before settling on a lame, generic 'Welcome back.'_ Where else would he sit? _

Maura grinned at her phone. _The floor?_

_Hah! _Jane typed. _Question: my house – pizza, wine, and a movie? _

Maura's eyes lit up in her office, it would be the perfect time to tell Jane. _Answer: of course! Make sure you split the pizza with half mushroom. _

_Of course, how could I forget to split the pizza? Hah. So, seven? _

_Yes, it's a date! _Maura put her phone on her desk screen down. "Okay." She breathed. "Okay." She stood wiping her hands down her skirt. 'Date' could mean a multitude of things. She knew how she wanted to take it, but she didn't know how Jane would take it. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh, what have I done?" Perhaps telling Jane how she felt was going to be far more difficult than she anticipated.

Jane raised her eyebrows at the word 'date' and felt her face flush. What did that mean? Maura never responded to one of her offers with 'it's a date' before. She sat at her desk again ignoring the look from both her partners. Her brows furrowed trying to decipher what Maura meant, and in what context it was said.

…

Jane rubbed her eyes as she walked down the sidewalk to her building. She was going to do it. At work she looked up restaurants on her phone, nice ones that she'd have to dress up for that had things on their menu she most likely couldn't pronounce and the thought of it made her stomach hurt (or maybe that was all the Tums and the coffee…) but she was going to do it. Sometime that week, she was just going to bite the bullet and go for it. Yup. She nodded to herself in reassurance. As she walked up the steps she heard a cough from her right. Immediately her hand went for her firearm as her body turned in the direction of the noise.

Casey held up both of his hands in fake surrender. "Just me." He shot her a grin. Jane holstered her weapon. He looked at the ground. "You uh you weren't answering my calls, so I thought I'd take a page from your book." He laughed nervously looking up at Jane with a weak smile.

Jane nodded, not knowing what to say. She _hadn't _answered his calls. She was busy and she really, honestly didn't want to talk to him. She looked at him in the dim light from the street lamp. He was in a wheel chair, Elsie was next to him, lying on the ground. He wasn't wearing his fatigues and he'd shaved his face since the last time she'd seen him. He looked good, better. She was happy for him, but that was the extent of her feelings.

He swallowed his nerves, this was harder than he thought it was going to be. Normally, Jane was more than eager to see him. She was the one always initiating their conversations. "I want to apologize." It was the first thing that came out of his frustrated mouth.

"What?"

He let out a breath. "I should say I'm sorry. I should've let you…be there for me."

"But you didn't."

He nodded stiffly. "That's right."

"You pushed me away." She said matter-of-factly. She was sick of him, of the fighting, of the turmoil, of the thoughts he injected in her mind, sick of the way he thought his actions weren't wrong because saying he _should _apologize and _actually _apologizing were two different things. "You rejected me, and you left repeatedly like I meant nothing to you, even though you knew how I felt. So yeah, you _should _apologize."

"Jane –" He rolled forward.

"No." She shook her head walking up the steps. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to come here and tell me that now suddenly I'm worth your time. This is just like high school, and I have other things to do."

"See? This is exactly the problem between us. You don't understand this." He shot off angrily, as if Jane had just proven his point. He shook his head. "To have something happen to you and not know who you are anymore because of it, to have your identity stripped to nothing."

Jane rolled her eyes, anger slowly building inside of her. "Don't even try to pin this on me. I was did my best to show you I was there. I did my best to tell you that I could handle it. _You're _the one that gave up on this," She gestured between them. "Not me. And don't sit there and tell me about pain and injuries and duty like I am just some random civilian whose never done anything more dangerous than slicing bread." She held her scarred hands in front of him. Casey, of course had never even asked, though that was probably a good thing.

"I wanted to protect you from this!" He slapped the arm rest of the wheelchair.

"Then why did you come back?" Jane snapped. "Why did you_ keep_ coming back? You showed up at my precinct knowing I work there, you showed up on the steps of my apartment to what? Tell me no again? For a goodbye kiss? You sure know how to lead a girl on."

"Is there someone else?"

"Are you really asking me that? Is that really the only reason you can think of that would propel me to my decision? Have you not been listening to me this whole time? Maybe I just don't want to date you because you're an ass? Or because my feelings have changed? Or because you treat your dog better than me? There are a million reasons, that I was too blind to see but I have seen the damn light. So the answer is no. Not because there's someone else, but because I can't be who you need me to be." She paused looking sadly at the sidewalk. "I don't think you know what you want, Casey. And I'm not waiting around for you to figure it out."

"Jane." He said gruffly.

Jane shook her head. "Next time, don't be a martyr. They never win."

…

Maura took a deep breath as she gathered herself inside her car. She was ready. She'd put all of her courage into one proverbial basket and she was going to tell Jane. She was going to ask her best friend out on a date

She thought of her vow that morning to be braver, to be stronger, to be better, to tell Jane. She thought of the bathtub they shared days ago. Though, in her day dreams the experience was magnified. There were candles lit and less soap and the water never got cold. In her imagination, Jane kissed her neck and moaned into her ear. In her daydreams she would turn around and grab Jane's chin and kiss her deeply, slowly. In her day dreams Jane's hands were everywhere and her hands were everywhere and it was amazing and lovely and that's exactly what Jane caused her genius IQ to dwindle down to. And she wanted it. She wanted to try for it at the very least. She wasn't going to let Casey or anyone else for that matter win by default. Determinedly she stepped out of the car, her heels clicking quickly, efficiently over the road and up the stairs.

Jane looked up over her beer when her door opened abruptly. Her scowl immediately vanished upon seeing Maura, a smile replaced it.

Maura took her coat off and placed it on the one hook that was empty on Jane's coat rack. She took a deep breath trying not to give herself too much time to think her way out of what she was about to say. "I don't want you to date Casey." The words came rushed and breathy and her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest even though that was anatomically impossible. "I know I'm probably crossing some sort of line here, forgive me if I am, but you shouldn't date him. I don't want you to. You're not right for each other. He doesn't – he doesn't care about you the way I care about you. And I do, Jane. I – I care about you very much and I can give you more than he could."

It took a second for Jane's brain to catch up. She was still reeling from the argument with Casey and she wasn't about to start one with Maura because she was too slow so she waited until all of the words connected. But once her mind did catch up she practically yelled at her. "I don't want to date Casey!" Maura took a step back. Jane stepped forward. _I want to date you. I WANT TO DATE YOU. _Her brain kept screaming the words at her, kept giving her the cues. But she kept missing them and her heart kept skipping beats and she was transfixed by golden-green eyes. Everything seemed to freeze when Maura took a step forward. The air felt different, the atmosphere changed, and there was that transitional phase blaring its horn, screaming obnoxiously as they sat in the intersection paralyzed.

"Oh." Maura breathed and the ice finally gave in.

Jane stepped to Maura or Maura stepped to Jane, neither knew who started it, but it was inevitable. Pressure and tension could only build so long before the top blew off and the bubble burst. And that was exactly what happened. It was messy. It was transition rearing its head in the most wonderful way. It was change and keeping up with the times, a rollercoaster going too fast and too high. They held onto each other, the space between them quickly eviscerated the longer their lips pressed together, moved together. The line they had been skirting lately, always, forever, was obliterated into tiny irreparable pieces the second they collided as one. Like a tidal wave they couldn't stop it, not that they wanted to.

Jane's fears disappeared, everything stopped hurting, the knot in her stomach slowly came loose. Maura tasted like cherries and spearmint and heaven, like sunshine after rain. And she was kicking herself for waiting so long. Their different scents wrapped around each other, citrus and lavender, creating a mix Jane didn't know would be so fantastic until then. Her teeth dragged across Maura's bottom lip and she moaned at the taste of Maura's tongue.

Maura was not expecting this, at all, when she walked up the steps. She wanted it though. She wanted it with every fiber of her being, fears and trepidation momentarily took a place on the backburner as she got absorbed in Jane. Everything was Jane. Jane's hands on her ass. Jane's lips on her neck. Her fingers in Jane's uncontrollable curls. Jane's body pressed against hers. Jane's heavy breathing in her ear. Jane was overloading her senses in the best way and she needed more. "Jane, bed." She gasped as that mouth kissed up her jaw and claimed her lips again and again like she couldn't get enough.

They stumbled to the bedroom, losing items as they went. Maura's shirt was haphazardly thrown in some direction neither was concerned with. Maura had Jane's shirt open in seconds and was delighted to find she wasn't wearing a tank top underneath. The detective moaned loudly mouth open and pressed against Maura's shoulder as she felt the doctor's soft, soft hands trail up her back and slide down, nails just slightly digging into her skin. Jane finally found enough brain cells to slide the zipper of Maura's skirt down and watched wide eyed as Maura stepped out of it, hazel eyes almost unrecognizable in lust. Jane never thought she'd have that look directed at her and now that it had she was amazed that she was making Maura feel that way. That _she _caused that change in her eyes.

Eventually, Maura pushed Jane's back into the doorframe of her bedroom and watched as Jane kicked the door shut after they both stumbled through. Maura pulled at Jane's belt and watched with wanting eyes as long tan legs were revealed. In milliseconds Jane's body was back pressing into hers. So much skin pressed together sent shockwaves up both of their spines.

Maura fell to the bed as Jane crawled up her body leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses as she went. The sight was a magnificent one. Jane with the royal blue button up open and flowing exposing long, long legs, black bra and black boy shorts and all of her tan skin and lean muscled glory was almost too much.

She pushed at the button up. Jane sat back, muscles thighs on either side of her hips, and tossed it off her shoulders and to the floor. They looked at each other for a moment, shocked almost that they were here. Unsaid questions and unsaid confessions fell between them from mouths that wouldn't work properly. Maura tugged at the waist band of Jane's underwear. "Jane." She moaned as Jane rocked her hips into hers almost unconsciously and her eyes slipped closed.

* * *

**A/N: **I would love to have some version of Jane telling off Casey in the show. I took some liberties there because I don't think it would actually happen because everyone involved with the show thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread, so I hope you don't mind.

Thanks for reading!


	10. Avoidance

**A/N: **This chapter gets really close to an M rating, I would still consider it like pg-13 or cable television, but it does get close to the line and may cross it for some, just thought I'd stick a warning on it.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Everything before a bed and cool sheets and Italian skin was a blur. Maura couldn't say what led to the kissing, couldn't pinpoint when the scales tipped all of a sudden. But it didn't matter, not at that moment, not when Jane was on top of her making those sounds or when she was under her, body caving and arching because of her touch. No, Jane was all that mattered. She breathed Jane, ached for her, moved for her. Jane, her best friend. Jane, her co-worker. Jane, her…lover?

But that convoluted question meant nothing when the woman of her thoughts and dreams was asking for more, for harder, for faster underneath her. It meant nothing when she saw Jane for the first time in this new light. Nothing as she tumbled over that edge and her toes curled and her back dug into the mattress. If she let her mind wander too far Jane was there to pull her back in.

Kissing her, kissing _Jane _was better than she imagined. She was softer – not necessarily dominant but not entirely submissive, instead falling somewhere in the glorious middle as they gave and took, pushed and pulled, over and over. It was surprising, pleasantly so. And when it was Jane's turn, when she slipped her fingers into Jane's boy shorts and felt what she caused she couldn't help but growl low into Jane's neck as her lips laid claim there. And then Jane was falling apart in her arms and Maura had never seen a more beautiful sight than Jane Rizzoli, wild hair, unfocused heavy lidded _dark _eyes, glistening skin, and completely breathless.

She kissed Jane lazily, slowly, afterwards letting both of them explore this new facet until Jane rolled over again. They laid breast to breast and matched curve for curve, all heated skin and wandering hands. The second time, together, was more than Maura was prepared for. It was more than it should've been for inexperienced lovers. When they both fell over the precipice at the same time and fell into each other breathing the same air, the fear started edging its way into her consciousness. When Jane pulled the blankets and sheets over them, when the haze of passion ebbed, when their breathing regulated the fear was overwhelming. She could feel Jane fall asleep behind her, but her mind was racing.

Jane was her best friend.

Jane was a voice of hope in a loft with a knife pressed to her throat, her savior in a prison infirmary, a warm chair in a hospital room, a voice taking up for her.

Jane gave her a different definition of family, a place to call her own, a place to belong.

Jane gave her roots.

Those were all things she'd only ever had in slight degrees and as Maura laid next to her best friend, body still humming, she fell into crisis.

She remembered every date that sneered at her, every man that walked away from her because she'd said the wrong thing or made the wrong move. She thought of the kids on the playground that laughed at her when she couldn't play pretend like they could, and the kids in high school that only partnered with her in science so that they didn't have to do any of the work. She thought about Garrett and Ian and Byron and Dennis. Out of the four three were criminals and the other was an arrogant surgeon and maybe that was both sides of nature and nurture coming out within her.

She thought of pompous words and condescending looks and voices not matching body language. She thought about all of the empty promises she'd heard from people she'd cared about, from the ones she loved. She remembered Ian and the note he left after he got his needs met.

In her world sex equaled leaving. Sex equaled conquest. Sex did not equal love. Except it did. Because she loved Jane. And when had that four letter word ever made sense? When did that word ever work in her favor? When have _people _ever meant what they said? What they didn't say? She wasn't good at relationships. She just didn't _fit _in that loving role. And Jane, Jane didn't really either so how would they even work?

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think past an empty home, past lonely nights, past Queen of the Dead, and cold looks. Her hands shook and she her heart pounded in her chest. _Fight vs. Flight_. It was calling her, egging her on. But she wasn't a fighter. Jane was. And without her to tether her she was going to lift of the ground into outer space.

A line was crossed, slashed, danced on obnoxiously. And why didn't she think? Why didn't she stop? Why did she choose now, when all of this was still new to her, to act on her feelings? Because she should've thought long and hard about her choice of action before making her decision. Things were at stake. Things were hanging in balance, in limbo for the sun to come up and decide their fate. And she couldn't breathe.

She needed air. She needed space, a glass of water, something. She lifted Jane's arm and slipped from the bed. As she found each item of her clothing and slipped it on, as she walked away from her naked best friend – the tightness in her chest alleviated and the air was nectar to her lungs.

…

Jane rolled over in her bed groaning as she hit the alarm. It silenced immediately and her arm dropped to the bed, heavy. She furrowed her eyebrows at the way the comforter glided too easily over her body. She gave a moment's pause to wake up a little more before her eyes widened in realization. She looked under the blanket, just to be sure, and of course, she was naked. She looked at the opposite end of the bed, vacant, and listened carefully to the apartment, silent. She blinked. She was alone. Naked and alone and the sheets smelled like sweat and musk and sex and…citrus. Images from the night before flooded her mind.

It was everything she never knew she wanted, sex with Maura. It was lights and sirens and adrenaline pumping like acid in her veins. It was a big arrest and her favorite meal and the Red Sox beating the Yankees and the best cup of coffee she ever had all in one day.

They were talking and then they weren't. They were normal and then they weren't. That was the only way to describe it. It was the only way to describe anything, really. One second and _boom. _They were kissing.

_Boom. _

Maura was unbuttoning her shirt and her lips were moving down that perfect neck and Maura's breath was coming ragged into her ear. And it was intoxicating.

_Boom. _

With trembling fingers Maura's shirt was tossed somewhere and her lips were back on Maura's and it was heaven and those hands, those perfectly smooth, perfectly warm hands were everywhere, were everything. And she couldn't get enough.

_Boom. _

And suddenly, suddenly they were lying on her bed. They were naked. They were rocking into each other's arms, breathing the same air, moaning into each other's skin.

Only now, now the bomb went off, the big one. And it made the other ones look like pop rocks. And she was too close to the blast zone. And she was momentarily deaf and blind and paralyzed.

Maura was gone.

It hit her unexpectedly in her chest and knocked the air out of her lungs. Her eyes burned. Her body ached. She clutched the blanket to her chest like it would change something. She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw her hand into a brick wall hard enough to break her bones. She wanted to call Maura. She wanted to yell and scream so loud she'd get a noise complaint.

Before…There were actually too many instances that probably changed her life for her to finish that sentence. _Before joining the police force…before joining the drug unit…before homicide…before Hoyt…before hospitals and surgeries…before Maura, Frost…before Bianchi and Dean and Casey…before a building collapse… _Her life, it seemed, was a series of before and after's, a series of causes and effects, and Jane was sure she changed after each event in some tiny miniscule way. Like installing a second lock on her apartment door, or sleeping with her gun on the nightstand. She was sure she changed from the little things that were far too insignificant to make her mental list, like an unsolved case or the way a mother looked when she was told her son was gone forever. Like her faith in people getting destroyed and renewed in the same day, and knowing how much life can hurt. And she was pretty sure she was going to have to add 'before sleeping with Maura' to her list and fill in the after part later. Because the after part was definitely going to happen, she already felt it beginning.

But before, sex had been different. She couldn't pinpoint after which moment it changed, maybe it wasn't even any of those things and it was just her age, but sex was different at thirty-six than it was at twenty-six. It felt like there seemed to be more at stake, like she'd been unconsciously looking for the 'right' person or whatever. And she kept failing. And failing. And failing. And now she'd slept with her best friend. And she was alone because said best friend left at some point in the night, which at twenty-six was something she'd be happy for but now was so far from the truth.

…

Maura took a steadying breath before hitting the button that would take her to Homicide's floor. Sergeant Korsak asked for the autopsy report on an older case. She should've sent Senior Criminalist Chang, but she was at lunch. Or she should've told him to come retrieve it himself but that seemed a little unnecessarily harsh and out of the norm and she wanted things to be normal didn't she?

The elevator door opened. She exited with a determined first step. Demurely, she smoothed imaginary wrinkles from her dress and straightened her blazer, before stepping calmly through the doors and into the homicide bullpen only the second she stepped through the double glass doors she ran into someone. Someone soft and warm and who smelled like lavender.

Out of habit Jane grabbed Maura's arm to steady her, but once their eyes met Jane let go as if she'd been burned and brushed passed her shoulders into the elevator. Maura reached out, "Jane." But Jane didn't meet her eyes again even as the doors closed.

Frost watched the exchange from his desk with narrowed eyes. He sighed as he watched Maura hastily drop a file onto Korsak's desk, which was unlike her, before she followed Jane's suit and left in a rush. Something was up in the Rizzoli-Isles department. Did they have another fight? Were they on the outs? Why couldn't his partner get a damn break?

He wouldn't have been so interested if Jane wasn't being so bitchy, for lack of a better word. Everyone in their division was keeping a wide berth around his surly partner. A rookie officer and friend of Frankie's made the mistake of asking her a question and got his ass handed to him. Whatever it was, he was going to get to the bottom of it and fix it if only for his own sanity. He couldn't take another fallout from the pair.

…

Jane didn't know what she was supposed to do. Besides that awkward moment by the elevator Maura hadn't talked to her at all, not that she tried to open up the communication herself either. So typically (and because she apparently was living in some shitty romantic-comedy), she found herself sitting alone at the Robber taking shot after shot until someone behind her spoke.

"Jane what are you doing?"

She turned around in her seat and almost fell off. She squinted at Frost. "Drinking. You in?"

"Jane."

"Nope." She shook her head. "You're not going to stand there in your suit and badge and be my hero." She hiccupped reaching backwards and downed another shot. "You want to save someone you're going to have to find someone else, because I'm just fine."

He sat on the stool next to hers. "Yeah, you're totally fine."

"You know what Frosty," She pointed a finger at him and squinted one eye. "I am not in the mood for your sass."

He snorted into his hand. "Well, I been dealing with your attitude all day, Rizzoli."

Jane looked at the empty shot glass in her hand and said sullenly, "You can thank Maura for that."

_Ah, _Frost thought, _so something was up with them. _"Care to share with the class?"

"Which class? Because I graduated in '94." He arched an eyebrow. Jane shook her head and slid the glass across to the bartender who gave her a pointed look and got a patented Rizzoli glare in return before filling her glass back up. She threw it back with a hiss. Frost could see her breaking her own rule. He didn't know why Jane didn't trust him with her personal life. He wasn't like the other detective's. He looked up to his partner, her admired her, he wanted her trust and he wasn't going to go gossip about it to the whole damn world. He'd voiced his concern to Korsak once and was told that Jane was 'just like that' and after three years of partnership he still knew little to nothing about her. "We slept together." Frost's eyes grew wide. "And," She continued talking to the tiny glass in her hand. "She wasn't there when I woke up. So oops. And now she won't talk to me. But I don't care." Her voice and slumped shoulders said otherwise.

"Jane," Frost said slowly. "You're drinking alone in a bar."

She shrugged. "So."

"So, I think you do care."

She rubbed her nose gesturing for the bartender again. He didn't even look as he refilled her glass and slid an identical one to Frost. "Well, now I'm not drinking alone." She mumbled bringing the glass to her lips.

"Jane."

"I don't want to talk anymore. So You're going to sit and drink with me or you're gonna leave."

He nodded picking up the glass. "Okay."

* * *

**A/N: **In psychology there's this idea that in times of great stress people revert back into who they are at their core. And a lot of people have it that Jane's the one who runs but I think it's the opposite.

Thanks for reading!


	11. Elephants

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

The outward anger faded – quickly and needlessly – in tiny little glasses full of different colors. It was replaced by something else, something she was far too gone to find the word for. And just when the bartender cut her off she couldn't feel her face and everything was warm and fuzzy and nothing was Maura and the hurt was momentarily lost.

Jane vaguely remembered singing, shouting really, along to AC/DC during the cab ride home with Frost in the seat next to her, both loud and drunkenly off key. And if she didn't remember tripping up the stairs to her apartment number the bruise on her shin definitely served as a reminder.

She woke up, face down on her mattress fully clothed, one boot hanging precariously off her foot and left arm half asleep. After laying there for a few minutes she groaned and headed toward the bathroom.

The heat from the water washed over her aching back. The steam fogged the mirrors and left the air heavy and thick. Jane didn't mind. It was exactly the way she preferred. Bubbles fell to her toes from her body wash as she dropped her neck, chin to chest, and let the water beat down her back and wash away her thoughts. She bit her lip; she sniffed.

Out of all of the shit in her life how was it that Maura was going to be the thing that broke her? How was it a woman of average height, above average looks, and well-above average intelligence was the thing that shattered her? Like a Trojan horse Maura got inside her, invaded her walls and got passed her best defenses. And the worst part was Jane wasn't even sure she wanted to remove her. She'd rather be conquered. She'd rather lay down her arms, surrender her property, and bend to her mercy. And that wasn't who she was at all.

She fought.

She held her ground.

Jane Rizzoli did not surrender.

But there she was, standing in her shower watching the soap spin down the drain considering waving that white flag of defeat, thinking whatever Maura wanted, she could have.

A few minutes later wrapped in a towel she pulled a mug from her cupboards and filled it with that rich, dark liquid that may have well as been gold to her. Her head ached from the alcoholic binge, her neck was stiff from the awkward way she'd landed and stayed throughout the night on her bed, and that familiar tiredness was creeping up her back and behind her eyes slowly. She sighed and refilled her coffee cup before walking stiffly back to her bedroom to get ready for the day.

Just as she was heading out of the door, her phone buzzed. She mentally noted the address dispatch gave her, scratched Jo behind the ear and left knowing Tommy would be by in a few hours to take her out for a morning walk.

…

Jane pulled up to the scene thanking God for the early morning fog that kept the sun hidden from her eyes. She stepped from her car wincing at the noise her door made before falling into step with Frost who looked just as miserable as she felt.

"I'm never drinking with you again." He muttered darkly, eyes downcast to avoid as much light as possible.

Jane snorted. "I'm never _drinking _again. I'm way too old for this."

Frost nudged her with his elbow. "Is it time to break out the old lady jokes?"

"Ha ha." Jane narrowed her eyes playfully. "What do we have anyway?"

"A jogger found a body off the side of one of the trails she runs on."

"Bad way to start your morning." They ducked under the police tape giving their credentials before Frost continued.

"No ID on the vic."

"The jogger?"

He shook his head. "Frankie's going to take her to her car to get it though."

A dark eyebrow shot up. "Do I hint a little disdain for the young Officer Rizzoli?"

"It's a waste of police resources. She's a doctor it's not like she's going to lie to us about what her name is. He could be better used doing something else."

"Like going for a coffee run?" Jane smirked.

"Yes!"

"She pretty?" The silence after her question was enough of an answer for Jane. "A doctor, huh?"

Before Frost could respond they heard a loud voice coming from up ahead. Frost groaned pinching the bridge of his nose. As Jane stepped closer to the actual scene she heard the obnoxiously loud rookie speak. "Dr. Isles, are you sure you don't need assistance?" Jane's feet carried her faster as if the suggestion was some sort of smoke signal. She followed the direction the officer was looking.

And there was Maura.

And she couldn't breathe right and her heart was beating too fast, too loud and she couldn't think past the blood rushing by her ears and it was too heavy. Everything was too heavy. The gun on her side, the badge on her hip, her head on her neck, the animal on her chest. Too heavy – too much. How could just _seeing _her cause such a reaction?

She took a short second to regain her inner balance. Her knees didn't quake and she stood tall as she peered over the makeshift bridge and down into a small creek bed. There was in fact a body down there. A man from the look of it in jeans and a dirty stripped shirt face down in the frozen mud.

Maura looked up with the intention of glaring at the officer. Though he meant well, it was the third time he'd asked if she needed help. But when she looked up her eyes gravitated almost instantly to Jane. She was so stunned by the thin line of her lips, the sharpness eyebrows, the slope of her nose that she nearly stumbled over a tree root.

Jane peeled her coat off and handed it to the young officer standing next to her. "Watch that." He looked confusedly between the coat in his hands and the disgruntled detective as she made her way down the embankment towards the dead body.

Maura heard footsteps, sloppy and loud coming from her left as she placed her bag on the ground. She spoke without looking up. "As I said Officer Jenkins, I'm more than capable of –"

"It's detective." Maura looked up surprised by the husky tenor of Jane's voice. "Officer Jenkins is up top watching my coat and he has a very nice view of both our asses so I'm sure he's just fine where he's at." Maura's jaw worked, opening for words that refused to be vocalized. When she nearly slipped again, Jane arm darted out automatically her hand latching onto Maura's elbow. "Little slippery down here, huh?" Jane didn't know what she was saying. The words were flying from her mouth, talking out of her ass but it was infinitely better than the awkward silence.

"Jane." The way she said her name, the way her eyes softened, the tiny sigh that slipped passed those delicate lips cut through her like a serrated, dull knife.

"Maura." And the arm she was still holding twitched. Her speech halted unable to think further than that small muscle movement and the perfume wafting in her direction. Maybe it lasted a second, maybe it was longer, but there was a pleading of some kind in Maura's eyes and Jane must have been tuned to some other frequency because she couldn't make out what exactly Maura wanted. So she let go.

Korsak kneeled at the top of the small bridge. "So, what's it look like doc?"

…

As Maura explained why they didn't have a cause of death yet for the third time Jane stopped listening to her words and instead trained her eyes to look for the tells.

Maura's eyes were forever shifting from the body on her table to Jane to the notes on the clipboard. When her hands weren't occupied her fingers twitched near her thighs contorting and drumming against her black scrubs. And on more than one occasion her voice wavered over a word, like she was thinking about something else and her brain was getting confused on what to say out loud.

The tension standing between them was a strange kind of different. Like they were both walking on a booby trapped floor and took every step with too much caution and trepidation and looking up occasionally to make sure the other hadn't fallen through the cracks.

Maura didn't know what to feel or think or do. How was she supposed to explain to Jane why she left? How was she to tell a woman who once screamed at her 'we don't give into fear' that she gave into fear? How was she supposed to voice all the things she couldn't get out of her head? Like the way she hung on to Jane's voice in the late hours of lonely nights, or the way Jane's lips tasted like beer and coffee and peppermint and how she couldn't send the outfit she wore to Jane's to the cleaners because it still smelled like Jane. How was she supposed to _function _when the woman of her dreams was standing oh so close to her? How was she supposed to explain that it was most definitely her and nothing at all what Jane did or didn't do when she lost all ability to form words when those eyes were fixed on her?

Suddenly she couldn't stop twitching, couldn't stop talking about the victim, the case anything but the elephant in the room. She was drowning and Jane wasn't saving her and she couldn't voice that _that _was why she ran in the first place.

She thought back to the day she came back to work. In that very room she made the vow to herself to be bolder, to be fearless, to tell Jane everything. But there, when she had the chance, when she needed to do just that she couldn't. She was afraid, so terribly, complicatedly afraid. And how would Jane even begin to understand?

…

Jane threw her keys onto her kitchen counter with a sigh. She'd been at her desk searching for clues for the better part of the afternoon and all she really wanted to do was sleep off the headache she still had. She made her way to her bedroom and Maura was suddenly everywhere. The heels in her closet, the toothbrush in her bathroom, the sheets that she had yet to change still smelled like her and that fancy hand lotion of hers sat on the right night stand table.

But she couldn't bring herself to change any of it.

She sighed heavily falling back onto the bed. She didn't want to fight. She was tired of fighting and she knew if she failed at this, _when _she failed at this it would mortally wound her, leave her with a hole in her heart and a bad limp. And why did she always have to convince people to be on her side? Why did she always have to fight for people's loyalties?

But regardless of what her head was saying she _did _want to fight for it. She knew Maura. She knew there were deeper things going on than regret. If it was just regret Maura wouldn't have been fidgeting like she was or look so hurt. And it made Jane want to know, everything. Because Jane didn't know and if Maura would _just _talk to her they would have it figured out in less than five minutes. And she wanted to fight for it because it was _Maura _and her best friendand…and the potential for love and she was supposed to fight for love right? And her mind circled back to why can't this thing, this _one thing, _be easy? Why does everything have to be such a terrible uphill climb?

Jane didn't know what to do. She was paralyzed. Stuck. Frozen. And because she didn't know what to do, didn't know who her opponent was or why she did nothing. 'Nothing' never set well with her. 'Nothing' didn't feel her with ease. 'Nothing' left her grasping at straws, at air, at questions she couldn't force from her lips. And the elephants in the room were suffocating her. The elephants in her mind were stampeding causing an uproar, a mutiny, and she was overwhelmed.

The easiest answer to all of their problems was to just tell Maura how she felt. But she feared with the tumultuous feelings roaring inside of her that if she told her the one thing, if she voiced the newest problem the levee holding everything else back would break and drown them both.

She draped her arm over her eyes and kicked off her shoes. Transition sucked.

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting!


	12. Confrontations

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Jane was minding her own business. She didn't know why people always had a need to disrupt her when she wasn't doing anything disruptive. Regardless she was just taking out her trash and contemplating the terrible turn of events her life had taken over the last few days. She was thinking about Maura. She was always thinking about Maura. And she almost kind of wanted to hate it. Because Maura wasn't thinking about her, or if she was, she was only thinking about how to let her down. In Jane's experience when people left in the middle of the night after sex, that was usually what that meant.

She shivered from the cold that clung to the fabric of her clothing and entertained the idea of buying some thicker pants but then that would practically require her to actually talk to her mother or Maura. And since she was avoiding everything that talked about anything but dead bodies in a self-imposed isolation that would be unacceptable.

She knew it was childish to avoid her problems, and to bring her mother unsuspectingly into it, but she knew she if she asked her what was wrong with her or why she wasn't with Maura or something the like she would spill the beans and her mother would meddle and make a bad situation worse, like she did with Casey. So instead she dove into work and avoided everything else. It wasn't like she liked to avoid her problems, but she liked to have a plan before charging in gung ho at the issue (or barricaded suspect.) Every time she thought she had something solid to lead with she'd look into those sad hazel eyes for half a second before Maura looked away and a whirlwind of emotions swept through her body and all word function ceased to exist.

Only diving into work wasn't proving to be altogether useful either. They were hitting a dead end with the man from the park. They still didn't have an ID on him or a cause of death because the crime lab was completely backed up from who knew what and they were waiting on test results to come back.

Jane sighed pulling her coat tighter around herself as she walked around her building and into the alley. The wind blew creepily, howling through the streets. Jane felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. That was the worst part of windy nights, it always made it seem like something was there when there wasn't. It left her with a weird feeling, like someone was watching her. She threw her bag of trash into the dumpster and started to make her way back to the front of the building when she heard it, but by then it was too late.

A force knocked the detective to the ground. The ground wouldn't stop moving and she couldn't blink enough to get any semblance of equilibrium back into her body. And then suddenly she couldn't breathe and it wasn't the breathing-non-breathing she did around Maura but the other kind, the bad kind. There was a pressure around her neck and nothing was getting into her lungs, she could feel the blood _whooshing_ behind her eyes with every thud of her heart. Just as her vision started to blur, training finally kicked in.

Street fights were never smooth, so Jane threw a few kicks and few elbows and shoves without knowing if it would even work, but it did. The pressure was gone and she heard a decidedly manly groan a few feet away from her, but her knees were weak and she was coughing and sputtering, and the ground was still spinning underneath her. He recovered faster than she did. The blow to her ribs from his boot knocked whatever air she'd been able to get right out of her. He laughed as she coughed, falling a little further to the ground and she hated him. It burned deep in her bones, stronger than him, stronger than her and when he went to kick her again she grabbed his foot and yanked. He fell to the ground, hard. Jane was on her feet gun in hand, and if looks could kill the nameless man would be dead ten times over. The glint of the shiny metal in the dark alley was enough to make his eyes go wide. "On your stomach, hands out." Jane snarled. He didn't even blink as he rolled over hands stretched far away from his body. She dug her knee into his back, gun firmly in her hand as she slid the cool steel around his wrists.

…

Twenty minutes later the lights above Jane's head flickered as she shoved her attacker into the vacant seat next to her desk. "Tell me what your name is." The detective growled. The man had no ID on him and if his smirk was any judge of character apparently he wasn't talking. She slapped her hand down on her desk loud enough, close enough to make him flinch. "Were you planning on robbing me? You thought you could mug the woman who was taking out her trash? Or do you play a different game?" The more she questioned him, the longer she gave him that hard stare she could see his act crumble. It was about to be one of the quickest interrogations she'd had in a while when she heard footsteps, heavy and loud and unrecognizable, coming from behind her. Though she knew she was inside of a police precinct, though she knew she wasn't alone and that if she screamed her people would come running, her left hand fell to the butt of her gun and adrenaline flooded her blood stream. Because her brother had gotten shot in that building, her best friend had been kidnapped from there – that building was notoriously unsafe.

"Detective Rizzoli," A man barked. Jane didn't recognize the voice, couldn't put a name or a face to it but knew brass when she heard it. Her hand moved to her hip as she turned toward him. He was her height with sandy colored hair. "May I have a moment of your time?" If he noticed the redness around her neck or her dirty, wrinkled clothing he didn't say anything.

"I'm kind of busy here." She gestured to the man cuffed in the chair.

"Bring your friend." Jane swore she saw his eyes sparkle and his lips twitch like he'd just said a joke that no one else understood. She raised an eyebrow at him in challenge. Following strange men to god knows where had not done so well for her in the past. He rolled his eyes before reaching into his shirt to pull out his badge. "Lieutenant David Burns – Gang Unit, I have some information for you, please follow me." And it was something in his eyes, something there at the crinkles in the corners told her that they were on the same side.

A few minutes and an awkward elevator ride later she was handing over her perp to two detectives who looked like they'd just woken up and following Lieutenant Burns into his office. She looked around as she walked. Their bullpen was just like hers only slightly gruffer and with different mug shots. Suits were replaced with army jackets, roughed up jeans, and scuffed boots. There were no ties or pinstripes and badges hung on chains around scruffy faces. Sometimes it was easy to forget just how diverse police work was.

Burns shut the door behind them and moved behind his desk. Jane's eyes scanned the room taking in the pictures that lined the bookcase to the far right. In one picture frame there were two little girls covered in bubbles washing a golden retriever, another was of him and a detective Jane recognized from the Drug Unit holding a big fish while the Boston Harbor shimmered behind them.

"You might want to sit down." Lieutenant Burns' thick voice cut through her thoughts.

"I'll stand." Was her automatic response, always her automatic response. She did not need to be quelled by a chair.

"Suit yourself." He shrugged and threw a file in front of her before taking his own seat. "Ricky O'Donnell is your guy. And I know you're probably wondering how the hell I know that and to that I say, I'm the Gang Unit Lieutenant. If there's a gang problem in Boston, I know about it. And yes, this is a gang problem." He paused.

"It literally just happened, how could you possibly know anything in that amount of time."

"That, I may have cheated on. I saw you two come in through the door from the café. I recognized his face from a mug shot."

"Oh."

"As I was saying, I know about gang problems. It is believed that O'Donnell is in cahoots with two other guys, Kenny Reid and Jerry Ryan. They want in on the Irish mob. We don't currently have a whole lot of information on these guys, they were thought to be low-level risk criminals, so we're kind of swimming in the dark here."

"What does any of that have to do with me?"

Burns laughed ruefully. "Detective, once you pulled the trigger in that warehouse you threw yourself right in the middle of it. You and your FBI boyfriend, unknowingly took a big ole swing at a hornets nest, and now the hornets are angry. Personally, we think they might believe that if they take you out then it would give them some credibility. They could get fully integrated into the mob."

Jane rolled her eyes. "What about, Maura?"

"They're stupid, but not _that _stupid." There was more he wanted to say but he seemed to think better of it. "I'll talk to your Lieu in the morning, and get my men together. We'll make sure nothing happens to you."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know you can take care of yourself." His voice spoke truth, and his eyes were honest. He actually believed his words. "We're all on the blue line here and we're going to stir up the pot a little further so that when they try again it's on our terms and not some low-life ambush. So leave O'Donnell with me and go get some rest, you're going to need it." When she still looked ready to contradict him he continued. "Look, you and I have different ways of doing things, and those are the differences that make the world go round. Your homicide and I'm not. I'm gangs and you're not. We have different priorities and that's okay. But I'm going to need you on this at one hundred percent, a lot has happened tonight and you need your sleep. I'm not going to leave you out of anything, I promise."

"What about you?"

"I work nights. My shift just started."

…

Jane's head was swimming with disjointed thoughts. What Burns had told her made sense and she found that the one thing she liked about him was that he was honest, truly honest almost like the kind of honest Maura was. She remembered the dig he made about her and Agent Dean and wondered just how long that fuck-up was going to be on her record before she threw her car in park. She walked up the steps of the house she knew far too well, wondering why it was she always ended up there. The wind howled and cut through her clothing reminding her eerily, briefly of earlier in the evening.

Maura pulled her robe tighter around her body knowing the second the doorbell rang who was on the other side. Or at least hoping she was correct in her theory that it was Jane. And when she saw her brown eyes wide and scared with shaky limbs Maura wanted nothing more than to pull her in for a hug and never let her go. She wanted to kiss her soundly and hold her while she slept. She wanted to say she was sorry and beg for forgiveness but something in Jane's eyes told her she'd already been forgiven on some level. She stepped aside opening the door wide.

Jane sat at the bar while Maura rushed off to her a first aid kid like this was an old shoe for them. It took a moment for either to speak but when it happened they both tried at the same time.

"What happened?"

"Do you regret it?"

They looked at each other in silence, both questions either unknowingly or knowingly carried a lot of baggage and weight. Jane was only ready for one of those conversations so faced with the choice she kept talking strategically ignoring Maura's question. "I mean I _know _you don't." The light pen shining in her eye clicked off and Jane swore Maura stopped breathing. "I think you're just scared." Maura's hand fell from her jaw and Jane dropped the icepack so she could look at her. Maura's eyes were wide and open, like she was a deer and Jane was a car and they were about to collide.

Maura blinked coming back to herself as she wavered and faltered under that intense stare. "Jane, now is not the –"

"Then when is the time?" Jane sighed. "If not now, when? After this case? After the next one? After the next catastrophe? We've almost died a million times over and we're both still here, you know how incredible that is? And if we keep waiting there's not going to be any time left. And I miss you. I miss my best friend. And if that's all you ever want to be then just tell me and we'll figure it out."

She was met with a whimper and then silence. Anger flared in the brunette's chest. Maura was still holding back from her, always, forever, holding herself just enough away that it was unnoticeable until it was the only thing she noticed.

Jane stood and began pacing around the kitchen as if she could find her words again in the familiar tile, in the dance of left-right-left. Because she wasn't a talker. But she wasn't a runner either and she was tired of hanging out in between. "I expected to roll over that morning into you."

"Stop." Maura warned but Jane never did pay much attention to warnings.

"I expected to-to roll over and run my fingers through the tangles in your hair. I-I thought I would see you smile up at me in the daylight and know that it was okay, that _we _were okay. Because," She shook her head. "God, Maura, you're-you're everything and when I figured that out, you were gone."

"Jane." Another warning, but Jane was relentless.

"You were gone when I thought we were on the same page. You weren't there when I woke up and isn't that just a kick in the face."

"I was scared!" Maura finally yelled. Jane stopped pacing, her brown eyes wide and listening. "And how could you understand that?" She shook her head. "How could you possibly understand when you shot yourself to save your brother and get the bad guy? When I've seen you pull free and overtake two men you had no business overpowering to save us both? And every day, Jane, _every day _you work and you give me more definitions of the words bravery and courage and heroism than I thought could ever exist. _You _don't give into fear, Jane, so how could you understand?" Her chest was heaving, breath coming in rapid. She'd never come this unraveled before, never opened up that far for anyone and there she was falling into an abyss of language and diction and _feelings _because her best friend was in front of her with honest eyes saying things she couldn't believe. "You are fearless, Jane, so how do I begin to describe what it feels like? Because I can't lose you and you're my best friend and I have all of these conflicting feelings inside of me and how could you understand that? What was I supposed to do?"

"Stay! Wake me up and talk to me about it!"

"When have we ever talked about anything? We don't talk, Jane. We broach the subject and turn back and it works for us so why would I wake you up to talk about my feelings? Feelings I didn't even fully understand myself? Why would this be any different than anything else?"

"Because it is!"

"Why don't you get it?" Maura yelled back in desperation. Her arms fell to her sides, why couldn't Jane understand this vital piece of her?

"Why don't you?" Jane countered. "People don't fit in science, Maura. You were supposed to have faith in me."

Hazel eyes narrowed in disbelief. "Have faith in a woman who refuses to tell me how exactly she wound up battered on my doorstep?"

"I'm hardly battered." Jane growled. "What if I told you I had conflicting feelings too? What if I wanted to talk about it, in the morning? Because I can't lose you either and if you think I'm just in it for shits and giggles you are the stupidest person I've ever met. And I don't do one night stands, so if that's what you wanted you should've gone somewhere else."

"It wasn't just about sex!" Maura threw her head back in frustration. She wanted to rip her hair out, how was Jane so clueless?

"What?" Hope and disbelief laced the word.

Maura rolled her eyes. "How did you ever make detective so young?"

"Was that a joke?"

"God, Jane, how could you possibly think that all it was for me was to reach some sexual goal or something? That it was just for some one night stand? How could you not know that every time I see you I just want to…" _Love you, hold you, kiss you, _there were too many ways to end that sentence and she couldn't just pick one and suddenly she was on a roll and words were pouring from her lips like water gushing over a waterfall. "I want you during the game and after the game and at the Robber and when you purposefully mispronounce things. I want you when you work too hard and when you forget to eat and in the mornings before your first cup of coffee when you're so tired you can't even speak. But mostly I just want to keep you. And I am terrible at this game and if I play it's like betting on a horse that is destined to lose. But ever since we slept together all I can think about is being with you and it's irritating."

Jane stepped forward trying not to laugh, trying not to cry, because they _were _on the same page. She tilted Maura's chin up and something in Maura's eyes took hold of her insides, something hot that melted any tension in her body and suddenly she didn't care about anyone with Irish blood except the woman in front of her. And Maura was pleading with her eyes and because they were on the same wavelength Jane finally knew what to do. She stepped forward cradling a deceptively strong jaw with a delicate roughness as she crushed her lips to Maura's in a searing kiss.

And because it was them, because everything they ever did was full throttle, the kiss wasn't just a kiss. It exploded. Like a spark meeting gasoline and everything caught fire. In seconds, Maura had Jane's shirt untucked and her fingers traced lightly up and down taught abs and heated skin. In seconds, Maura was lifted from the floor and onto the counter wrapping her legs around Jane's thighs. Jane briefly wondered if it would always be like that, if that explosion of the senses would ever wear off. But the thought was only spared a second of her time as Maura let out a low slow sound that Jane felt in her toes when her hands trailed up bare thighs from where Maura's sleep shorts had ridden up.

With every sigh Maura breathed against her lips Jane felt herself mending. She felt that familiar sense of safety that only Maura seemed to bring her restoring, falling deep in her bones in the crevices Maura would say were only occupied by bone marrow and osteons. But Jane knew better. It was where her deepest feelings always lied, where her morals and duty called home, where now that feeling Maura evoked within her also laid rest next to her family. And the longer they kissed the monster in her chest full of aches and pains and insecurities transformed into something majestic and fiery, like a dragon spreading its wings for the first time.

Finally, they pulled apart breathless and smiling. Their eyes locked and everything they never said radiated between the space of their gazes like a light breeze on a summer day rather than the hurricane force winds it had been earlier. Jane's hands were still on her thighs and Maura couldn't help but think that with Jane in her life – the wonderful, stubborn, pigheaded, lovable person – her entire world seemed brighter, like getting glasses for the first time and suddenly everything was sharp and focused and clear.

She didn't know when they started walking down the hall or when the bedroom door was closed gently by a slim hip. Her robe and silk top were brushed from her shoulders by slender fingers that danced down her sides. Her skin burned underneath the touch like it did all those nights ago, like Jane was the only one meant to touch her like this, like her body knew Jane was the only one she _wanted_ touching her like that.

She felt Jane pull at the draw string of her silk shorts and stepped out of them when they fell to the floor in a heap. Jane's button-up and tank followed seconds later and her hands roamed over an expanse of olive skin. And just like the time before she was momentarily swept off her feet, her breath caught in her aching chest at Jane's body inducing shudder at her touch, by the slight moan that slipped from partially parted lips pressed against hers in a brand new kiss.

She caught a glimpse of those intense brown eyes and let out a long slow moan of her own as Jane pulled their bodies flush together, skin on skin and mouths searching. The sound ripped through her chest as Jane sucked her neck, as she tangled her hands in uncontrollable raven locks pulling her ever closer like she couldn't get enough.

Her partner (_her partner) _growled into her ear as they moved towards the bed and Maura felt like she could fall over that edge right there and Jane hadn't even touched her yet. But the promise was there in her eyes. And Maura realized as she fell on the mattress with Jane on top of her, her hands raking over a strong back as Jane kissed every inch of skin she could reach while wiggling out of her slacks the fear was gone. As Jane's fingers hooked into black lace, as Jane slid down the length of her body leaving loving kisses in her wake, as she flung the last barrier of cloth somewhere over her shoulder with a moan of her own, so deep and so feral – she realized Jane was right. They didn't fit in science. And although it went against everything she knew, somehow that was okay.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading/reviewing/favorites/alerting! (Y'all are really, really awesome!)


	13. Better Mornings

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. Etc.

* * *

Maura shifted in bed, the sheets, the blanket slipped past her shoulders and settled in the middle of her back. She blinked waking up to the orangey glow creeping in through the curtains. She shivered from the cool air that hit her shoulders and reached for the covers.

"Don't go." Sleepy lips moved against her shoulder and the arm around her waist tightened.

She turned facing the sleepy voice. Too many things swirled inside her chest, too many things that she couldn't name, that she _could _name and Jane's face in the early morning sunrise was still peaceful and sleepy and lovely and how did she run from this? Maura settled close to Jane's chest, burrowing herself there inside Jane's arms, into the heated skin, forget the blanket she was more than fine with those arms around her. A breath fell from Jane's lips sending tufts of blond hair flying out of place. Maura didn't even try to smooth them back down because that would require moving her arm from Jane's waist and why would she do that when the body next to her was fully relaxed? When her arm fit there perfectly like it was made for her?

A smile slowly made its way across her face as she let herself soak in the moment. Jane. _Jane. _Jane. It was all she could think about, and her brain couldn't find the words other than those two consonants and two vowels that made up this deceptively complex person her mind couldn't even fathom.

And though what they were doing was decidedly unsafe, and though the fear and apprehension of it all still lay close to her heart she couldn't help _but _feel safe. And how strange was that? How could she feel safe and unsafe at once? She opened her eyes and looked to Jane's face. This woman was how. Jane told her to have faith in her, in them, in together and all that entailed and if this was what 'having faith' meant where did she sign her name?

Her eyes caught a brief glimpse of a shadow across the sleeping woman's brow. She moved her arm for a moment, letting her fingers lightly trace over the area. It was hot to the touch and swollen. She furrowed her brows, as she remembered the first aid kit and the pen light. She looked down at the faint redness around her neck and then further to the light purpling across her ribs. Jane never did tell her exactly what happened to her, they got sidetracked, beautifully and magnificently sidetracked. A hand reached up with a low grumble and pushed hers away. Maura let out a tiny breath of a laugh as Jane buried her face further in the pillow, breathing heavy from her nose and rolled over on her back.

Maura rolled over on top of her. "I'm not going anywhere." She whispered as she closed her eyes and rested her head on Jane's chest, listening to her breathe. There was something romantic, something special about being able to hear someone else, someone she…someone she loved, breathe. (It was love wasn't it?) It was the early morning air, the sunlight creeping through the curtains, the way everything about Jane's bare body beneath hers felt right, regardless of the questions and concerns dancing in her mind. She kissed Jane's clavicle, her neck, her jaw before settling her head back in its place. Jane's hand slowly moved up and down her back in a ghost of a touch that made the fine hair at the base of her neck stand up and her breath quicken. "Jane?"

"Hmm?" Jane was convinced this was heaven. She had died somewhere along the way, and she was in heaven. It didn't matter that she was Catholic. It didn't matter that Maura was a woman. It didn't matter about work or leisure or Lt. Burns. Nothing mattered because she was in heaven.

Soft lips trailed over Jane's throat. "What happened?" She whispered into her ear. The woman beneath her shifted a little and there was a hitch in her breath and Maura didn't know if it was from her question, from the kiss or from the way her thigh shifted on the mattress.

"Hmm?" Jane felt Maura smile against her neck.

"What happened," Her hands traced up Jane's side until it fell against the bruise. "Here and," She kissed the redness of her collarbone. "Here and," she shifted again causing Jane to groan softly, she smiled as she kissed the side of Jane's head. "Here, what happened last night? Did you really think you were going to get away with it that easily?"

Jane swallowed trying to think of a way out of her current predicament. "Last night?" She asked playing dumb.

"Yes."

She growled into Maura's ear, flipping them almost instantly. Maura squealed. Jane grinned resting her weight on her forearms on either side of Maura's head. "I'm pretty sure you told me you wanted me and then we had sex."

Maura laughed as Jane nuzzled into the curve of her shoulder. "Before that." Jane kissed her shoulder and she tried not to sigh as she rested completely on top of her. "_Jane._" She groaned trying to get her mind back on track as her arms went to either side of Jane's waist.

"What?" She laughed into Maura's ear.

"Stop trying to distract me."

"Maybe I like distracting you." Jane breathed against her neck, smirking, smiling. How had she gone the majority of her life without this? She couldn't even…where were the words for the feeling in her chest? The dragon that rested there alive and breathing fire against her heart in the most amazing way possible, that she couldn't even come up with the right things to think or do or say. Was this what love was? Wanting to stay in bed all day and shirk all responsibility? Because Maura and how had she gone so long without this? And maybe it was the passion in her veins or the way Maura's hands felt against her bare skin or the way the tension between them was virtually erased yet replaced with something else, something better or the way Maura sighed against her. And maybe it would go away the second they had clothes on and weren't on a bed. But this, right there at that moment, was everything.

Though, utopia was destroyed when the hands at her side pushed a little too hard. "Ow." Jane winced falling back to the side and off of Maura.

"I'm going to take a shower." Maura said kissing Jane on the nose. "Please stay."

"I'm not the one who left Maura."

Maura's smile dropped as she stared into serious brown eyes. "I-I know, I just –"

Jane rolled her eyes at herself as she grabbed the fidgeting hands between them. "You take your shower, I'll be here when you get out. We can talk then." She smiled weakly, it was the best reassurance she could come up with on the spot.

…

Maura walked into the kitchen and didn't see Jane. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest. Where was Jane? Why wasn't she there? Was this what Jane felt like when she left? Promise and hope shattered? But then she heard it. A voice, trying to be quiet but failing miserably at it with that rough texture lacing the words. She stepped closer around the bar and brought her hand to her heart.

"Hey, buddy." Jane was sitting on the floor cross legged and talking to Bass. Maura watched as Jane stiffly patted him on the shell, like she didn't know what to do. She saw the cactus pads and lettuce leaves on the placemat in front of him, along with a strawberry. Jane looked up, feeling someone watching her and immediately blushed. She stood dusting off her pants. "Hey, Maura."

"Thank you."

Jane blinked. "What?"

"You stayed."

"Told you I would." She shrugged.

Maura shook her head, words failing her. She wanted to say so many things, and she was caught with a mouthful of disjointed words that only made sense in her head. She took a step towards Jane. She was dressed in a suit that was left over after one of their many sleepovers. Her gun was settled on the left side of her hip and Maura gently traced a finger over the gold lettering on the badge that sat next to it. She looked up gazing into deep brown eyes. Everything was just under the surface and she was going to kiss her, going to tell Jane soliloquies of apologies, but she caught a glimpse of that light bruise on the side of her face and realized, for the third time, that she wasn't the only one keeping things from the other. "Please tell me what happened, Jane?"

Jane turned her face almost involuntary into the light touch across Maura placed over the bruised area. She gazed into those eyes. She could never tell what color they were. Sometimes they looked green and sometimes gold, 'hazel' just didn't seem to do them justice but she knew that was what was on Maura's license. She sighed. Those eyes looked happy, or almost happy, like she _could _be happy. Jane knew if she told Maura, if she spoke of all the things she only just learned the night before, things she still didn't quite understand herself then that potential happiness would be gone. And she couldn't bear to be the cause of that loss. "A guy tried to mug me outside of my apartment." The lie fell easy from her lips. She didn't even flinch, but an anvil settled in her stomach uncomfortably. It only occurred to her, this was the second time she'd ever lied to Maura. (The first being when she asked if she was having nightmares and offhandedly said something about showing up to work in her underwear.) She didn't like it, but Maura would blame herself and she would hate that more. So she picked the lesser of two evils.

"Oh, my god!" Maura grabbed Jane's chin moving her head gently side to side. "Did you arrest him? Did you go to the hospital?"

"He is currently in jail." She didn't actually know if he was. "And no I did not, because I wanted to see you." Not a lie. She grabbed Maura's hand with a laugh. "I'm fine, I promise. But there is something I wanted to say that I didn't get a chance to last night."

Maura blinked, still looking concerned. They were still standing just inches from each other and she could smell the mint from Jane's toothpaste, could feel the heat radiating from the woman in front of her. She never wanted it to end. How silly was that? How strange and utterly adolescent was she being? "What?"

Jane's smile faltered a little bit. Maura deserved to hear what she had to say. Maura had spilled her guts to her the night before it was only fair for her to do the same. But shit, it was difficult. At least Maura had the heat of an argument playing in her favor. She didn't have to think over her words, they just came. Although, knowing Maura she probably had thought over them, agonized over them for hours during her free time. She opened her mouth and closed it promptly. She sighed. Words. Sentences. She could do this. "Okay." She looked up locking eyes with Maura once more. "Last night," She started shakily. "You told me you wanted all of these things with me." Maura's heart beat rapidly in her chest, she held Jane's hand tighter. "You said you wanted to keep me." Jane couldn't help but smile a little. "I want you to know that you can keep me and have all of those things. I meant what I said when I said you were everything. I know that actually sounds really stupid and trite, but it's true. Because, you're always there for me and you're my safe place and you accept me and I'm just…I'm _better _when I'm around you. And I…I really want to try." Jane nodded her head. "I do. I really want to see where this goes and I can't stop thinking about you and I just really want to date you." She grinned and tugged at Maura's hand. "So, do you? Want to try?"

The smile that blossomed across her best friend's face was more than enough answer for her but it was still nice when Maura said "Yes."

Jane let out a breath. "Well, that's a relief."

Maura leaned closer to Jane. "So what does this mean?" Her voice was no louder than a whisper.

Jane swore she felt static between them as the air changed. She saw Maura's eyes dart to her lips and couldn't help but smirk. "'Means I _really _want to kiss you right now." Her arms circled around Maura's waist.

"Then kiss me." Maura smiled coyly settling her own hands on Jane's hips.

Jane was about to when there was a noise from the side door as it opened. She took one giant step backwards as a blush raced across her face. She reached for a mug while Maura busied herself with something else.

Angela stood in the kitchen, her eyes narrowing at the two younger women. She didn't know what she just walked in on. It wasn't a _rare _occurrence to catch her daughter at Maura's so early in the morning but she never quite caught them so…close before. Physically. And it took a lot for Jane to blush as hard as she was and Maura wasn't quite meeting her eyes. They looked like they were, well, like they were about to kiss, but that couldn't be right could it? No. It must have been something else. She coughed to clear her mind. "Maura, I just wanted to come over and ask your opinion on these shoes with this dress."

Jane groaned. "I thought you were done making Cavanaugh jealous?"

"I am." She said curtly. "But it doesn't hurt to be dressed up every once in a while just to make yourself feel good. You would know if you ever tried."

"Your mother's right." Maura piped in. Jane glared at her and mouthed _whose side are you on?_ Maura tried not to laugh.

Jane's phone buzzed. It was Lt. Burns. "Well, not that I wouldn't love to watch you play Project Runway with my mother but I have to go. See you both later!"

Maura laughed as Jane walked out of the door with a wave and a flurry while bringing her phone to her ear. She waited for a moment for hers to ring, but it didn't. It must have been Detective Frost maybe they had a lead on the current case. She smiled as she turned to Angela and began discussing fashion.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading and sticking through!


	14. A Tangled Web

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Lieutenant Burns was a cop's cop. He would die for everything his badge stood for and he trusted his men explicitly. There was a certain amount of 'don't ask, don't tell' about some of their methods, but no one had complained yet to the chief of detectives so he wasn't going to worry about it. It was what made their unit so good. So when he was called into see the Commander he walked in with his chin level with the ground and shoulders back ready to take the heat.

"Sit down, Lieutenant." The gruff voice of Commander Watson hit him the second he walked into the room. The rumor that Commander Watson was a no-nonsense man, Burns found was very true. He sat. "I hear through the rumor mill that a detective from a different unit was injured last night off the job. And it had something to do with your unit." Burns didn't know how he knew what happened or what he knew.

"Sir, I'm just now catching up on all of this myself. From my understanding a group of nobodies who want in on the Irish wanted to make an example of Detective Rizzoli."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "Well, she did shoot Patrick Doyle. From our understanding they viewed it as a way to get into the gang officially. If you want a clearer picture I can call Sergeant Rowley in. He's actually the one in charge of all of the Irish Crime Family incidents in Boston, he knows the most about them in the whole unit."

Watson leaned back in his seat and looked at the file in front of him. "Let's talk about your Sergeant, then." He'd been secretly investigating Sergeant Dakota Rowley of Burns' Gang Unit. He was a good detective in his day, which was why he got the promotion to Sergeant. Except, shortly after, his work seemed to go downhill, like he just didn't care anymore. Watson feared that drinking was next on the list if they didn't interfere soon. He was going to bring Rowley himself in to talk when he heard through the grapevine at the coffee machine in the break room that Detective Rizzoli had been hurt in a reportedly gang related incident.

"Sergeant Rowley is a good man."

"I'm not questioning whether or not if he's a good man. I want to know if he's a good _sergeant." _Burns said nothing to this. Watson cleared his throat knowing that his point was made. "Answer me this, Lieutenant, if he's so involved with the Irish why didn't he tell you that another detective, one of our own, was on their hit list? Why is this all news to us, why are we all scrambling?"

"He's been busy, the three guys believed to be involved aren't exactly on our watch list."

The commander narrowed his eyes leaning forward. "Now that you know, what are you planning on doing with this apparently new information?"

"We don't know yet exactly. My men have been interviewing the suspect that attacked Detective Rizzoli all morning, last I checked they were still trying to get some information from him."

The Commander nodded his head, leaning back in his chair. "I don't like it when cops in my district get hurt, it makes me look bad. So Lieutenant, if this isn't cleared up soon, your ass is going to be riding a desk downstairs while your sergeant takes an early retirement, understand?"

Burns stood up, face stony. "Yes, sir."

"Now, here's a tip: you're their leader, act like it."

…

Burns sat at his desk rubbing his eyes, he hated this. He'd been reading files all night, all morning – he was knee deep in paperwork and he needed to sleep, but there was too much to do.

He was right of course. He viewed Rowley more as a friend rather than a subordinate. Rowley was an older man with credentials that made his look like playing dressup. And he'd let the man get away with a lot over the years – half-assed reports, sloppy police work, shoddy interrogation skills. But with his years on the job, he knew a lot of people and at times that knowledge had led them to some really good arrests. No matter how much he wanted the commander to be wrong, he wasn't. Because of Rowley's incompetence on the job, another officer had been injured. And she should've known – they all should've known except they didn't. Now, they were all thrown right into the mess of everything without so much as a clue to which direction to turn in.

He sighed throwing his head back and rubbing his eyes. He had a migraine growing from too little sleep, and too much information. There was a knock on the door and the sergeant in question walked in. "O'Donnell's not talking."

He sighed. "Fine, put him in holding."

"Look, I'm real sorry about all this. I know I dropped the ball here and I take full responsibility. It won't happen again, scout's honor."

Burns nodded his head. "Better not, go get ready." He picked up the phone and dialed Jane's number.

"Rizzoli." Jane grunted into the speaker of her phone. She shut the door behind her quietly before making her way down the steps. She put the back of her hand to her face and felt her still burning cheeks. She was so close to kissing Maura, so close to just…and then her mother and Burns and _everyone _it seemed was against her. She shook her head, she needed some cold water or something. She definitely wouldn't mind waking up like that every day.

…

It was past lunchtime when Maura finally got the test results back, which gave her the cause of death and would hopefully put the detectives at a better advantage for solving the case. She thanked Susie and walked into the elevator with the file in hand. Her stomach uncharacteristically flipped as she pressed the button for the Homicide Unit's floor. There was a slight tremor in her hands as she smoothed nonexistent wrinkles from her skirt. She let out a breath biting her lip. She was being ridiculous, childish really.

When work wasn't distracting her all her mind seemed to focus on was Jane. So much had happened between them in such a short amount of time it left her spinning. Whether that was a good thing or not, she hadn't decided. Though if that morning's shenanigans had any way of shaping her opinion, she was sure it was a very good thing. She just had so many questions about the logistics and the semantics of their relationship that she didn't know how to ask them or even if Jane _wanted _to talk about them.

She wanted to see Jane though. She wanted to kiss her and hold her and so many other utterly, disgustingly romantic things it was actually quite silly. Or not. But the thought of seeing Jane hunched over her desk, eyes narrowed, brows furrowed, her bottom lip between her teeth – in full on concentration left her with an indescribable feeling somewhere in her chest cavity. It was almost a giddy anticipation. It was peculiar. She hadn't felt that way towards anyone since…grade school?

She walked out of the elevator straightening her lab coat. A strange wave of déjà vu washed over her. Her feet monetarily stalled and she swallowed thickly. Was it really only a few days ago since she ran into Jane in that very spot? They were both in two difference places then. It was strange to think that one night could change everything, one moment and their entire course was set differently.

Maura walked through the double glass doors of the Homicide bullpen. Her eyes automatically fell to Jane's desk, eager to see her and out of habit. But it was empty. She raised an eyebrow in confusion, that was strange. After a moment of deliberation, there was a cough from her right that came from Detective Frost. She turned in his direction.

"She's with the Gang Unit today." He continued clicking on his computer.

"Pardon?"

He looked up at her shrugging. "Thought it was weird too, Cavanaugh didn't say, just mentioned she was going to be on a 'special assignment' for the time being. Korsak," He pointed to the sergeant who was also typing at his desk. "Thinks it's probably got something to do with her Drug Control Unit days, but who knows." He shrugged again.

"Oh." Maura blinked. What would Jane go to the Gang Unit? Jane had no affiliation with them unless…But he was in prison, so that didn't make any sense. Maybe Korsak was correct, perhaps it _was _just Jane helping with a case from her DCU days. The thought still left her feeling a little uneasy. Why hadn't Jane told her? When had this happened? She shook her head and looked at the file in her hand as if just remembering that it was there. "I did get the test results back, and I have a cause of death for you."

…

Jane swore if it were possible her brain would've exploded by the time she got home. She basically sat in the Gang Unit's bullpen all day listening to stories about the Irish Mob, some she already heard from Korsak. When she first got there Lt. Burns gave her an update (which wasn't much of an update, just reiterating what he told her the night before) and then she was introduced to Sergeant Dakota Rowley. She got the feeling that Rowley didn't like her very much, actually the whole unit seemed to not like her. It was a little off-putting to say the least. Jane got the feeling that they didn't exactly know what was going on. People were yelling names she didn't recognize across the bullpen only to have another detective either shake their head or hold their thumb down.

She sighed as she flicked the light switch on and locked her door. Right away she knew she wasn't alone. Soft light emanated from the kitchen and she could hear a distinct humming before it quit suddenly. Jo Friday raced from the kitchen, tail wagging to greet her. Jane leaned down scratching behind her ears before standing back up. The closer Maura got to her, the more she could smell her perfume and if she tried hard enough she could smell the Chinese food on the table. It gave her a flash of those nights all those weeks ago where she came home to Maura on a nearly daily basis, but this was a much better circumstance than then, because this time the warmth in her body and that feeling in her chest had a channel, she knew what they were.

"I hear you were with the Gang Unit today." Maura's voice wafted towards her. Jane froze, her heart hammered in her chest. Internal alarms bells started going off. What did Maura know? How did she know it? Maura stepped closer oblivious to Jane's demeanor. Delicate hands pulled at Jane's blazer and soft lips grazed her cheek, and it was enough to quell the demons if only for the moment. "I thought we could go for a late lunch, but when I went to the bullpen you weren't at your desk." She hung Jane's blazer on the hook. "Detective Frost told me you with the other unit. I thought you probably hadn't eaten all day and we could have dinner together." She paused uncertainly. Perhaps that was too big of an assumption to make? What if she was overstepping her boundaries? What if Jane just wanted to be left alone? "U-unless that's too forward, I could leave or…" She trailed off hopelessly.

Jane smiled, her mind back in the present moment and not thinking about deceit or gangs or cops that didn't like her. She interlaced their fingers together, stopping their forward motion just in front of the kitchen table. Jo Friday circled their feet sniffing at Jane's shoes before she left for her water bowl. Jane navigated so she stood in front of Maura, facing her. Their eyes locked. "Maura," She didn't miss the way Maura's eye lashes fluttered or the tiny breath that escaped her parted lips. Her mouth twitched upwards just slightly. "If you want to bring me a hot meal or just want to hang out and watch a bad movie, I'm yours." Jane looked down between them. They were suddenly only separated by such a tiny space, bodies practically pushed together. She meant to say more, meant to wax poetically about this thing that they suddenly were verses the thing they used to be, but she was caught in Maura's eyes, in the heat coalescing between them.

"I took Jo Friday for a walk too." Maura said absently, fingering the worn leather around Jane's hips. This was what she wanted. Her and Jane. Jane and her. Best friends. Colleagues. Something more, but nothing less, _never _less. This put all of her thoughts to the side, and maybe she would deal with those at one point or another but right now they didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the woman in front of her and soft brown eyes and curly, raven hair and that imperceptible curl of the lips she so desperately wanted to kiss.

"Mmm." Jane hummed lightly moving closer as if gravity itself was pushing her to Maura. She was intoxicated by kaleidoscope eyes and fall colors and citrus shampoo and flowery perfume. She was drowning and Maura was a safety vest. And how strange was that? How utterly fantastically, strange that the thing she'd been looking for was right in front of her the whole time?

When their lips met it wasn't like fireworks or lifting off into space. It was soft and falling and finally. It was like coming home after a rough day. It was caring and infatuation and languid and maybe it was love, maybe it wasn't but it was so very them and that was the best thing. Their clothes weren't falling away, their hands weren't roaming, they were just kissing, only it was so much more than that. There were no questions in that kiss, there was nothing ambiguous about it. Jane was Maura's and Maura was Jane's. When it ended they were both a little breathless and a little red in the face.

Maura cleared her throat as she took her seat in front of Jane at the small table. "So why were you with the Gang Unit today?" She paused to scoop some food onto her plate. "Is there something I should know?"

Jane nearly choked on her beer before shrugging. Panic crept into her veins while she tried to figure a way around the question. "Just cop stuff." She looked at Maura's raised eyebrow and continued talking, ignoring the blush racing across her face. She stood to get the wine bottle from the counter and another beer for herself. Maura narrowed her eyes, Jane was not only mentally avoiding her question, but also physically. "They needed help with information on a guy from my DCU days. He'd gotten into some stuff lately and they thought they could use my assistance." Jane blinked. She didn't know why she lied that time, it was a good opportunity to tell Maura, but her thoughts from that morning still lingered. Besides, it wasn't really _that _big of a deal, was it? But even she didn't believe that question as an unsettling feeling landed in her stomach. Jane took a big mouthful of food as Maura continued to watch her with heavy scrutiny.

Maura knew something was off about that story, but she didn't know what. Maybe it was like the event with Tommy a while back where she was legally obligated _not _to tell anyone?

Silence took over them for a moment as Jane tried to think of something to say that would get them off the current topic. She thought back to their conversation that morning, and her idea before…everything about taking Maura on an actual date to an actual restaurant. "So, I was wondering," Jane started off a little shakily. "If…if you wanted to…to go out…sometime. Like on a…on a date?" She closed her eyes tightly, waiting for the blow Maura's answer would have. She'd never had to ask anyone out on a date before and it was weird and different. She definitely wanted to start off doing things right in at least one area, since she'd been failing in the 'honesty and trust' department. She wanted to take Maura on that date to some restaurant and get all dressed up and show her a good time, and they could probably talk about everything there. Like where they each were, what they were doing, what their definition was, and _maybe _Jane could just tell Maura the rest of it too.

"I would love to, Jane." Maura beamed.

Jane opened her eyes and grinned back at her. "Great. How does Friday sound, say seven pm I'll pick you up?"

"That sounds perfect."

…

Once their plates were empty and the food was gone they spent an unnecessary amount of time cleaning the utensils as they small talked. "Um," Jane asked afterwards. "Do you, uh, are you going to stay?"

Maura bit her lip looking down at the ground.

_Please say yes, _Jane's mind chanted over and over.

"What do you want me to do?" The shorter woman inquired.

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Whatever you want to do?"

Maura poked Jane playfully in the ribs. "Well, I want to do what you want to do."

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Maura's eyebrows furrowed. "How would you make me uncomfortable?"

"Well – we haven't really – and you were…" Jane stuttered over her words. "I don't want to move too fast and freak you out."

"We've shared the same bed before, that wouldn't 'freak me out'."

"Yes, but not since _you know._"

"Not since we had sex?"

"_Maura._" Jane groaned tossing her head back.

Maura laughed lightly, it was much too easy to tease Jane sometimes and she couldn't resist. "I'm perfectly fine with the idea of sleeping with you." She was surprised when she didn't feel faint or that hives didn't pop up on her neck. It wasn't necessarily a lie, but it wasn't completely the truth. She wanted it to be the truth of course, but there was so much between them still stuck in the gray area. She had no idea where the new lines were or their boundaries. This was new and it was like playing a game she hadn't read the directions to, because there were no directions. How would this new thing between them differ between the old thing between them?

"So, what are we doing for tonight then?"

"I don't know, but I think one of us should make a decision."

"You don't have to." Jane blurted after a moment.

"Excuse me?" Maura blinked in confusion.

Jane felt her face heat up. "Go, I mean. You could – you could stay." Jane wanted to kick herself, how difficult was it to just say _hey, I want you to stay because sleeping next to you is like eating a really good cannoli and I love really good cannoli ' _freaking difficult apparently.

"Jane."

"You could borrow some clothes to sleep in," She continued rambling. "And I know for sure you have an emergency outfit stashed here somewhere, complete with morning essentials and shoes. If it's weird or anything, I could move to the couch."

Maura rolled her eyes. "I'm not kicking you off the bed."

Jane grinned, crossing her arms. "It's late and you've been drinking, I think it would be irresponsible as an officer of the law to let you leave under those circumstances."

"Well, if the officer of the law says it's irresponsible to leave I don't think I have a choice then, do I?" Maura countered playfully.

"I mean, you don't _have _to stay. I'm just saying, you don't have to go either. The choice is yours." Jane stammered dropping her arms back to her sides.

Maura smirked at Jane's circular logic. She pulled at Jane's hips, stepping closer. "Why won't you just admit you want me to stay?"

Jane raised an eyebrow in challenge. "Where's the fun in that?"

"Oh, so this is fun for you?" The teasing smile in Maura's voice, on her face finally did her in.

"Absolutely." Jane murmured before capturing Maura's lips in a kiss. Maura sunk into her arms, practically melted into her touch. "I want you to stay." She whispered between kisses.

"So do I." Maura admitted and there was no half-truth in the sentence, it was whole and real and Jane smiled against her lips one last time before pulling away completely.

…

They lay in bed side by side with half a foot of space between them a short while later. Jane rolled her eyes at herself in the dark. _All you have to do is roll over and slip your leg between hers and your arm around her side then you're good, _she thought. But it was easier said than done. She knew Maura was awake because her breathing hadn't regulated yet. What if she was meditating though? _Aw, screw it, _she thought before taking the plunge and rolling completely over into Maura's side. Soft hands and deceptively strong arms fell around her waist as if Maura had been waiting for her to make the move too. She couldn't help but smile as she buried her nose into the crook of Maura's shoulder inhaling that perfect scent.

It was perfect. The way Maura's hand dipped just underneath her tank top and moved in slow, tantalizing circles against her lower back was perfect. The way she could feel Maura's chest rise and fall with every breath was perfect. The way their legs tangled together and fit like two puzzle pieces was perfect. It was all so perfect and a sudden wave of guilt washed over Jane like a cold rain. How many times had she lied to Maura within the last twenty-four hours?

"What's wrong?" A sleepy voice whispered into her hair as if the woman next to her could feel the shift in her internal monologue.

"Nothing." What was another lie?

Lips pressed to the top of her head and the arm around her squeezed. Jane felt her eyes fall close. "Then go to sleep."

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	15. Information

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Jane didn't feel like opening her eyes, she didn't have to do so to know her nose was buried in perfect blond curls, to know that her arm was wrapped around a firm yet soft waist. And as she lay there still half-asleep and hazily coherent she couldn't help but think this was how it was supposed to be.

She was so out of it she couldn't even think what '_it_' was but it was good. _It_ was warm bodies, warm sheets, warm heart. _It_ was the opposite of cold, opposite of wondering, opposite of looking. She grinned into Maura's neck, nuzzling her nose into warm skin. The move elicited a small laugh from her companion and Jane swore if God himself struck her down right then and there she could die happy. And that was a very sappy thought for a Tuesday morning.

Maura let her body rest for a few moments. She took in this feeling of Jane behind her, around her, with her. She let it soak into her veins like morning coffee. And she wanted to think in broad terms, in specific terms; she wanted to ask how and when and why but they all seem so open ended, so irrelevant. Like they didn't matter. And maybe they didn't. She felt soft lips graze her neck and sighed, leaning a little further into the embrace Jane offered. She couldn't decide which she liked better: holding Jane or Jane holding her. But she could do this, this non-definition of a thing between them, forever. Except she had to use the restroom. As she tried to get up Jane's arm tightened around her.

"No." The breath of the word tickled her ear and Maura found herself laughing, again. She always found herself laughing when she was with Jane.

"I have to use the restroom, Jane."

"Fine." The detective grumbled moving her arm.

Once freed, Maura stood briefly giving herself time to admire the woman lying in bed. She smiled before retreating to the bathroom. When she came back her smile only grew. Jane was spread eagle on the bed, fanned out, all long limbs, twisted tank, and one rolled up pant leg. Her hair hid her face but Maura knew she was awake, she just didn't want to get out of bed. "Is this emergency kit of mine in your closet?" Jane grunted, Maura laughed. "Has anyone ever told you that you are quite adorable in the mornings?" She had to duck to dodge the pillow thrown at her. Jo Friday poked her head into the room curiously before trotting off back into the living room. "Do you mind if I shower?"

"Yes." Jane said rolling over.

"Really?"

Jane laughed. "No, go ahead."

"Sometimes it's very difficult to understand you."

"I just like to keep people guessing." She smirked.

"That you do." Maura laughed as she shut the bathroom door.

When she got out of the bathroom, fresh and clean, Jane was gone. It was like the woman just vanished. She noticed a note on the back of the bedroom door, she pulled it off to read.

_Hey, got called in, could you lock up? Tommy's coming by to take Jo out, so you don't have to. Sorry for running out on you, Jane._

She folded the note and stuck it in her pocket, before grabbing her phone. She didn't have any missed calls. But when Jane got called in, it usually meant she did too. Only then, she remembered Jane was working with the gang unit, and she must've been called in for something dealing with that. Her eyebrows knitted together. The feeling she had the night before came floating back to her. It was something completely unscientific, something that she could only point to as being instinctual in nature. Jane would call it her 'gut' but somehow she knew she didn't get the whole story last night, when she asked for it.

…

Jane paced in front of Sergeant Rowley's desk. She just arrived not too long ago, after leaving a showering Maura a note. The guilt she felt about the whole situation (predominately the lying) was random and surging, some points were stronger than others and as she paced she felt it reach its peak eating at her bones, like a dog gnawed on rawhide.

As Maura showered, she decided to check her work e-mail, only to find a cryptic threatening e-mail piled in between the work memos. Though she didn't find '_It's not over, you haven't won yet' _all that threatening. It sounded like a bad fortune cookie message, but Burns thought otherwise when she called him. And now she and Sergeant Rowley were trying to track the e-mail account. "Do you have the IP address yet?" The squad room was basically empty, with just the two of them and one other detective sleeping at his desk. (There was always at least one detective asleep at their desk, she found it odd, yet strangely comforting for some reason.)

Rowley looked up at the impatient detective, detest clearly in his eyes. "No."

As his slow clicking resumed, Jane couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Look, I can call my partner he's really great with all this tech stuff and we'd have that address in no time."

"Yeah, 'cause we need more of you homicide assholes in here." He grumbled under his breath

"What exactly is your deal?" Jane snapped.

"My deal?" He snorted, standing from his desk so they were eye to eye. "Patrick Doyle was _my_ mark and you…" He shook his head as if he couldn't convey the extent of his anger through words alone. "Mucked it all up."

"Rowley!" Lt. Burns shouted as he walked through the bullpen a fresh cup of coffee in his hand. "We got anywhere on the IP?"

The sergeant looked at his computer face still contorted in a glare. "Yeah, won't be much help though, came from the public library. Free wifi, could be anyone." He shrugged.

Burns dropped his chin to his chest with a small groan. "Okay, I'll send Williams and Campbell when they get in to canvas the area. Why don't you two get some coffee or something, it's going to be a long day."

Jane didn't need to be told twice.

When she got back, the rest of the detectives were already gathering, in front of Burns who was writing things on the dry erase board.

"Okay looks like everyone's here." The lieutenant said as he surveyed the small group of men that made up his gang unit. "Through various channels we've gathered our main suspects: Jerry Ryan and Kenny Reid. They both have rap sheets for armed robbery and assault along with some minor drug charges. They are low-level guys who've been trying to build their names within the Irish for a while, to little success. Word on the street is they've been trying to find something that might help them in their quest. We're assuming that that's why O'Donnell went after Detective Rizzoli. They think by taking out the cop who shot their boss they would finally get noticed and move up in the ranks. Williams and Campbell, I want you two to go to the library. Show these pictures around, see if anyone recognizes them. Gonzo, you and Pete are faces at the bar these guys frequent– see if you can hear anything." Both officers nodded. "Dakota," Rowley looked up from his phone. "See if you can dig up anything from your CI's. We could use all the information we can get."

"Got it, Lieu."

Burns nodded his head. "Remember to report back with any information you get."

Maura sighed as she typed her report. Three days, it had been three days since waking up next to Jane. Three days coincidentally since she even _saw _Jane. Since the detective wasn't working their current case (which Detective Frost closed) their interactions had been stalled. It did give her a strange look into what it would be like if they didn't work together, but Maura didn't necessarily like it. She was right in her theory that if they didn't work together, they would never see each other.

But it _was _Friday, and she wondered if they were still even going on their date or if Jane had forgotten about it completely. She had no idea where they were going, or how she should dress and Jane was supposed to pick her up at her house in six hours. She sat back in her try rubbing her eyes just as her phone rang. It was Jane.

Right away, Maura knew Jane was busy. There was a lot of commotion, a lot of background noise and strange voices and for a moment she swore, she absolutely _swore, _she heard words she wasn't supposed to hear like Paddy Doyle and Irish and hit and disjointed things that cut in and out through the shoddy speaker of Jane's phone, something about an e-mail, a library? And before she could connect all of the dots, her brain stopped her, as if the only thing it cared about was whether or not Jane was going to cancel on her.

Jane turned towards the wall, off to the side of the gang unit's squad room. She hoped Maura couldn't hear the ruckus through her speaker. Rowley walked in her direction and she glared at him. He did not change course, just stood right next to her as he agonizingly slowly refilled his coffee cup. "Hey," Jane said into the speaker. "So I know I've been kind of MIA this week, but I haven't forgotten our date. I made reservations for us. It's an Italian place called Tuscany. I know it's _so _original, but I know you like Italian so…"

"I love Italian," Maura cut Jane off, trying to fight the urge to add an 's' to the last word. "And I've been there before so it helps give me an idea of what to wear."

"Great!" Jane said finally feeling a little relaxed. "I'll pick you up at seven then."

"I'm looking forward to it."

They were both smiling as they hung up.

…

Maura was pacing in her kitchen, the excitement, the nerves momentarily drew her mind away from what she accidentally overheard on the phone. A whole day had gone between the phone call at lunch and seven pm, but it felt like no time at all. At exactly seven pm her doorbell rang. And when Maura opened the door her brain escaped her.

Jane, her very anti-dress Jane, was wearing a dress. A form-hugging, deep purple, satiny number that ended just above her knees. Even underneath the coat she wore Maura could see the way her gentle curves worked for the fabric, the way the slope of her hips seemed almost magnified, and how had it never occurred to her how utterly feminine Jane's body was? She hid it so well, in ill-fitted pantsuits and chunky blazers. It wasn't the first time she'd seen Jane in a dress, and it probably wouldn't be the last, but it was different. Something made it different this time. And she was at a loss for words. This woman…She couldn't even finish the sentence. In five seconds (or was it longer?) Jane had reduced her to rudimentary functions.

Jane blinked as she stared at Maura staring at her, though that last part seemed irrelevant. Maura was in a blue dress, a deep blue color like the ocean and she could get lost there, in curves and peaks and valleys. Which probably wasn't a very good idea seeing as how that most-likely meant her eyes were somewhere _not_ on Maura's face and most-likely somewhere that would get her into trouble. Her mouth was dry and she swore internally she'd never found a woman as attractive as she did then. And it wasn't even in a 'get naked' kind of way, it was more in a 'this was why people paint and write and sculpt' way. And she didn't know if that made any sense or not. The last one didn't sit well with her. It was true, but it reminded her of Dennis and she didn't want to think about the man that almost took this beautiful person, her best friend, away from her, when they were about to go on their first date.

First date, the words reverberated in her mind, like a note on a piano. _First date. _She was going on a date with her best friend and she was just standing there in the doorway _in a dress _looking like an idiot. "I got these for you. You look-you look…amazing, by the way." She pulled her arm up with the bouquet of small flowers in her hand, a move she had rehearsed after buying them. She cursed her shaking voice.

Maura beamed, taking the flowers from her. "Thank you, Jane. They're beautiful as are you. Come in while I put them away?" Maura could tell Jane was just as nervous as she was. After all, this thing between them was still so new. Neither of them expected it to happen, but then it did and now they both had to navigate these murky waters they found themselves in. So much could go wrong, but when she looked at Jane those thoughts disappeared. Could was a future tense word, could wasn't a definite thing and she shouldn't worry about that.

She watched Jane blush as they walked to the car. It was endearing seeing her best friend so flustered over them, and her, and this. After the second time Jane's hand half-way reached towards hers before retreating, and a heavy swallow from Jane, Maura laughed lightly as she reached over herself and intertwined their fingers across the console in the car. When Jane squeezed her hand with that small smile playing on her face Maura felt her chest swell from an overload of unnamed feelings.

At the restaurant, the two sat across from each other. Maura watched Jane play with her silverware and take a sip of water. This was real. She was on an actual date with Jane, with her best friend. And there was so much she didn't know, so much she needed to know.

She needed to know what they were doing, what they were labeled. She needed to know if Jane loved her and in what context and when Jane felt whatever this was between them for the first time. She needed Jane to explain everything to her about her involvement with the gang unit and to tell her she'd overheard wrong. She needed to talk about her parents, all of them, and her siblings and what made a family? And she needed to tell Jane she was sorry for running from her, and that she was still scared but when she looked into Jane's eyes she felt a lot less scared a lot more of something else, and was that other thing love because how could she know? Because this wasn't her definition of love, it was better, though she could feel it shifting in a bad way.

She was tired of people keeping things from her, tired of keeping things locked inside and it never bothered her in this grand way before, with Jane. But they were playing on a different field, a different game, and it almost felt like they were on opposite teams and how had that happened?

Their waiter came by and they placed their orders, Jane let Maura pick out the wine and then they were alone again.

"I overheard some things on the phone earlier, Jane. What are you really doing with the gang unit? Because I don't think your involvement with them has anything to do with an old DCU case of yours, though I could be wrong." And of course that was the one she picked, out of all of that. Because it seemed less scary.

Red raced across Jane's face, making home across her cheeks and her nose. Maura's heart sunk, Jane _had _been lying to her. Jane looked across the table at Maura. The table length of space between them felt endless, felt like outer space, like there should've been time zones there. Hazel eyes finally met hers, all honest and hopeful and _please don't lie to me. _

And Jane wanted to confess.

She wanted to walk into the interrogation room willingly, grab the pen from Maura's hand and sign her name at the bottom of a handwritten confession that told everything. She wanted to kneel in front of Maura and confess all of her sins. She wanted to apologize for being an ass, wanted to apologize for shooting Doyle, wanted to tell her she was sorry for putting her in danger so many times, for bringing so much drama into her life. She wanted to tell her she was sorry for the way she'd been acting lately and what if Maura didn't forgive her? What if Maura blamed herself in some weird, strange way? What if Maura didn't trust her anymore?

It was that fear that gave her pause. That fear that breached her chest cavity, crushed her ribs, expelled the air from her lungs and made her mouth dry. And the longer she waited she saw the hope in Maura's eyes gravitate towards something else, towards cynicism, towards distant disinterest. She could feel Maura shutting down in front of her, and that was worse than the fear.

"I can explain." The words fell from her lips and her shoulders dropped ready to raise the white flag, because with Maura (with anyone) honesty was always the best option. She was going to let the chips fall where they may. Maura's eyes perked up. Jane licked her lips, ready to let it all out when someone screamed and glass shattered and she dove for Maura on instinct.

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	16. Family

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Maura's breath was hot and ragged against her ear. Delicate fingers gripped at Jane's biceps and Jane knew had her own eyes not been squeezed shut bracing for whatever followed she would've been staring into wide hazel eyes.

Glass hit the floor behind them at odd intervals, the sound interspersed with shocked gasps and _'oh my god's'. _Jane's senses worked in overdrive, falling into a state of hyperaware tension as adrenaline flooded her system. She stood after a moment of utter silence shooting Maura a look that clearly said _stay put._

Maura watched as Jane steadied her foot on an overturned chair and pulled the hem of her dress up. She was oddly transfixed to this image – both mildly confused and, admittedly, a little turned on. The desire only increased when she saw the black band wrapped tightly around Jane's upper thigh, when she saw Jane pull the small, silver revolver from its hiding place on the inside of her thigh and her golden badge from her small purse. Maura wondered what else was hidden on the detective, wondered if it was even possible for Jane to just be _Jane _for one evening. It reminded her of Superman, a movie Jane made her watch after Frankie mentioned something about a 'man of steel' and she'd not understood the reference. But watching Jane practically morph in front of her reminded her of the way the superhero went from mild-mannered Clark Kent to Superman in one swift elevator ride or a quick getaway.

She shook her head of the thought as Jane dissapeared. To her right she saw restaurant workers were helping their guests navigate through the glass to safer areas. She stood from the floor brushing herself off and grabbed a pair of gloves from her purse (almost smiling at her own version of what Jane had done.) "I'm a doctor," She announced walking towards the chaos. "Is anyone injured?"

Sirens echoed off in the distance between buildings as Jane finally got to the door, though she knew they would be too late almost instantly. A black car – an older model, muscle type – screeched by with spinning wheels just as she reached the door. It was moving too fast for her to shoot out the tires, too fast for her to think about following, and even too fast for her to get a full license plate number. With a growl she walked back inside the restaurant.

Her eyes immediately landed on Maura. She was treating people from the look of it. It seemed like there weren't any serious injuries which was a relief. It was stupid going on this date, she mentally berated herself. It was idiotic and irresponsible. Not only did she put Maura in danger, _again, _but all of those innocent people as well and why didn't she _think_? She walked towards her friend.

Maura felt a hand press against the small of her back, her lips twitched upwards at the feel of Jane's breath against her neck. She turned, her eyes meeting soft brown. "Did you get anything?"

Jane shook her head with a helpless shrug. "Half a license plate. Anything I can do to help?"

Maura gave her own shrug as she slipped the purple gloves from her hands. Jane smiled at the sight, of course Maura would have gloves in her purse. It reminded her of their first meeting when she offered to pay for her coffee wearing the same purple gloves. "There are no serious injuries, it's mostly just fear and shock more than anything."

Jane nodded understandingly. They stood in silence for a second, both surveying the restaurant. Jane shook her head apologetically at Maura. "Sorry our date got kind of," She looked around the room and back at Maura. "Yeah."

Maura laughed lightly. "Never a dull moment between us, huh?"

"Yeah, I can't decide if that's a good thing or not." Jane laughed shaking her head.

"It has its merits." Maura nodded grinning slightly.

"Really, now?" And Jane swore Maura was going to kiss her right then and there but then the room was illuminated in blue and red as two police cruisers came to a halt in front of the broken window.

Jane held up her badge to the officers as a flashlight shone on her face. "Detective Jane Rizzoli, Victor 825, Homicide Division."

"Janie?"

Jane internally groaned at Frankie's voice as Maura stepped away from her. She watched him stumble through the broken glass. "I didn't know you were working tonight."

"Fillin' in for a friend. What are you doing here?" His eyebrows shot up when he noticed her dress. He smirked. "Who's the guy?" He peered around her at the people trying to see if he could spot the asshat his sister was dating, but he only saw Maura talking to his partner. At first he thought they might've been on a double date, but he didn't see any men standing near either of them and then it clicked. "Oh."

"Don't you dare say anything." Jane growled through her teeth, giving him a hardened glare.

"It's about damn time." He whispered under his breath. "Does Ma know?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "Shut up and do your job. What's the first thing you should ask me?"

"Are you hurt or injured?"

"Okay, smartass."

He laughed. "Tell me what happened. Did you see anything?"

"Good." Jane nodded. "We were sitting away from the window over there." She pointed in the direction of their table. "I didn't hear or see anything when the glass broke, but afterwards I ran outside. There was a car speeding away from the scene."

"What type of car? You get a plate?"

"It was a black, muscle type car. It made a lot of noise." She shrugged. "I did get a partial plate number though it was LP8 couldn't make out the rest." Frankie nodded writing it all down. "And," Jane sighed biting her bottom lip before shooting a cautionary glance at Maura. The doctor was still engrossed with Frankie's partner. "It might be in correlation to a case I'm in the middle of with the gang unit."

"Gang unit?"

"Yeah, I'm headed back to the station to inform the lieutenant but I thought you should know."

"What gang?"

"What do you think?"

He nodded. "Does she know?" Jane shook her head. "_Jane._"

"I know, I know." She sighed wearily. Frankie stepped away to talk to the other guests.

A few minutes later the restaurant was full of detectives and officers taking statements. It must've been a slow night for everyone if they all found themselves there. All she really wanted to do was go home, change her clothes and go to sleep. She could deal with the shit storm later, but just as she was about to suggest it to Maura who she noticed was fighting a yawn Sergeant Rowley walked on scene, which was odd because she hadn't even called him or Burns yet. His chest was puffed out in arrogance and Jane swore she saw a cocky glint in his eyes. He took one look at her and one look at Maura standing next to her and snorted. "No wonder the Irish want you dead." He said in passing as he walked to the officer in charge.

Jane didn't have to look at Maura to know she was looking at her with hurt and confusion in her eyes, but she looked anyway. "That's what you've been keeping from me." It wasn't a question or an accusation, just a statement. Jane could see the gears working in Maura's brilliant mind, could see her literally pick apart her lies as she stood there and her face contorted in pain and betrayal.

"Maura, I can –"

"Rizzoli!" Rowley barked from across the room.

Jane looked from Maura to him back to Maura, torn in opposite directions, unsure of what to do.

Maura shook her head. "Go."

"We'll talk later, okay?" Jane reasoned as she walked backwards towards him.

…

Maura's body was still humming from the evening a few minutes later as she handed the cab driver her fee and walked to her door. She half-hoped Jane would be waiting on her doorstep ready to explain everything, though she knew logically Jane would be at the precinct. But unreasonable or not she was still disappointed.

She hung her coat on the rack with a scowl as if it was the object's fault for her feeling the way she was. The house was quiet, in the loud kind of way that made her want to turn the stereo on with the volume cranked regardless of what her neighbors might've said. She didn't know if it was because her brain was on overdrive or if it was because she was so used to the noise because of Jane and her family – it was probably a little bit of both.

With a defeated sigh she walked further into her home and into her bedroom. The night was supposed to end differently. She and Jane were supposed to finish their dinner over light conversation. Jane was supposed to drive her back home – there would be that awkward yet endearing side of Jane she just discovered as she tried to prolong her leaving. They'd kiss on her front step, maybe go inside.

It definitely wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be alone and angry and sad and hurt. Why had Jane lied to her? It was a question she couldn't seem to rid herself of. They could've figured it out together, worked with each other. She could've helped. And the fact that Jane lied to her multiple times left her with a bad taste in her mouth. Honesty was a key point in her functions as a human being. She found the trait a valuable one, and she hypothesized even if she could lie she'd still be as honest as she was because people deserved the truth. Not everyone thought that way of course. She'd been lied to from a lot of different people but never Jane.

Maura stepped out of her heels and walked toward her closet. Grabbing a hanger she slipped out of her dress all with the full intention of putting on pajamas. Instead, she caught her reflection in the full body vanity mirror on her closet door and stepped closer. Her eyes roamed over ivory skin. Strangers had given her compliments but nothing felt better than the way Jane would look at her at times, brown eyes dark and hungry, or loving and kind, a mix of all four, the way she didn't have to say a word for Maura to know, because she could read between the lines with Jane and only Jane. Jane was always honest with her.

And then her eyes fell on the tiny pink scar on her abdomen.

She had done everything right, or so she thought. She'd been the picture of _good_ by helping people, opening her house and her heart to people and this was where it got her. Lies and deceit from her best-friend-maybe-more, and Hope hadn't contacted her since before the surgery. She lifted a hand gently tracing over the raised tissue.

She shook her head again, giving a frustrated sigh before walking into her bathroom and turning on the shower.

…

Back at the precinct (and in street clothes) Jane paced outside of the double doors to the gang unit. "Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up." But Maura did not answer her phone. It wasn't like Jane was expecting her to. She messed up, monumentally and now she was paying the price. "Ughh." Jane groaned. She was so, so stupid for lying in the first place, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was only supposed to be until she knew more information, but then it was like once she started she couldn't stop. Jane slid down the wall and buried her head in her hands.

Burns walked outside of the bullpen looking both ways before he finally saw her. He walked quietly towards her and sat down beside her. He said nothing of her watery eyes as he scooted the coffee he brought for her in front of her. "Did you notice anyone follow you to the restaurant?" She shook her head. "Jane."

It was the first time he'd called her by her first name, the first time he sounded like he actually cared about her well-being and it made her sit up a little straighter. "No one followed us."

He nodded. "Anyone besides the two of you know where you were going tonight?" She shook her head again, unable to think past the hurt on Maura's face. "Are you sure?" He prompted. Jane's shoulders fell in defeat. "Think."

"I called her." She finally said.

He nodded again. "Tell me about the call?"

Jane rolled her eyes at his tone. "It was around lunchtime. I was in there," She threw her thumb back at the room behind them. "I told her when I was picking her up and where we were going, maybe someone overheard."

Burns' lips pressed into a thin line. "Who was in there when you made the call?"

Jane's eyes snapped to him, the full weight and implication of his question sitting between them. "Williams was at his desk, but Rowley was next to me getting coffee."

"And you said Rowley was the first on scene?" Jane nodded. The back of his head thudded against the wall. "_Fuck._"

Jane's eyes widened in realization. "Oh."

"Do you trust your team?" Burns sighed.

"With my life."

"Call them."

...

After her shower Maura felt better. The adrenaline and the initial smorgasbord of emotion had word down to reason. The facts were that Jane lied to her. That was basically all she knew, and while she was angry and it was hard she knew she shouldn't just jump to conclusions (which was unlike her anyway.) As much as she wanted to lump the detective in with the rest she knew she shouldn't because she could count the number of times that Jane purposefully hurt her on one hand which was far less than anyone else, and maybe she had good reason. She looked at her phone, noticing she had a missed call from Jane, though there was no message. Maybe Jane did want to talk.

Maura sighed as she got dressed. Though it was very late, she knew Jane would be at the precinct and she knew she herself wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so after slipping on her coat again she walked into the night and got into her car.

The morgue lights hummed to life as she flicked the switch. Her shoulders fell in relief at the comfort of the room. She walked towards her office and sat at her desk then pulled out her phone to send a text to Jane. _I'm in my office if you decide you want to tell me what's going on. _

After a while her fingers started to dole a beat against her desk. There was paperwork she could always do, there were internship packets that needed her review, she could sterilize her equipment again…But she couldn't get her mind to focus on that. She needed to know what Jane knew.

Her fingers played with the ring on her finger as she stared at the black screen of her cell phone. She couldn't help but remember that Doyle did the same thing. She eyed her bottom drawer. Inside was her file, the one she'd pieced together of her biological parents with all of the information she gathered since she began looking. And as that man's words from the restaurant repeated again in her mind she couldn't help but want to look at it. "Oh, this is ridiculous." She sighed as she unlocked the drawer.

The file was thick with newspaper clippings and printed webpage articles about the wonderful things Hope Martin had done for her field and the horrible things Patrick Doyle had done to people. She had searched for years for these people, stayed up late wondering if she had a sister or a brother. And it seemed now, it would've been better to just let it go.

Jane once told her once that blood was thicker than water. Albeit they were both on opposite sides then and anger pushed their words to cut. And they did, deep. But that, _that _had always stuck with her, even if Jane hadn't truly meant what she said. It was always there in the back of her mind, especially now, as the facts of the current situation were unclear. Jane who by definition wasn't 'blood' to her and Doyle or Irish or _whoever _was involved _was, _made this all the more complicated.

_Blood was thicker than water. _Her hand went back to her side feeling the scar over her clothing. Maura knew objectively that it was a stupid saying, but in times like these she couldn't help but wonder if this division between the two of them would ever fully go away.

Was blood all that made a family? Was it just DNA and nature? If her blood was evil, was she therefore evil by proxy? She looked at the folder in front of her again fingering the worn edges, the faded lined paper in her college handwriting, the pictures she'd printed out of her birth parents and her mind once again drifted to that stupid saying and the question she'd been left with ever since it left Jane's mouth. If blood was what made a family, where did that leave her?

And why did Jane lie to her? This was exactly what she feared, what made her run in the first place. Inevitably, they would stop seeing each other as best friends. Inevitably, the things that held them together would fall at the hands of romanticism and sex, and that was the opposite of what she wanted.

She rubbed her forehead; she wished Jane would just call her and tell her everything. It would make things easier and quiet her overly active, overly tired mind.

* * *

**A/N: **There are four more. And y'all continue to be awesome.

Thanks for reading!


	17. Call it Even

**A/N: **Well, that was an unexpected hiatus. My bad.

Whoa, title change.

Hey, someone nominated this for a thing and that's kind of really cool! Thank you!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Frost grumbled as he walked passed Jane. Korsak wasn't that much better off. She loved these guys, though she'd never say it out loud like that. It was heartwarming that she could call them in the middle of the night and have them show up. Lt. Burns shook both of their hands introducing himself.

"What's going on?" Korsak asked breaking the ice.

Jane let the lieutenant explain the situation. He seemed to have a better grip on things than she did. She just wanted to forget this night even happened, that all of this had happened. And the faster they closed this case the faster they could move on.

She was a master at this game really, so it wasn't new to her.

...

Sergeant Rowley's leg bounced uncontrollably underneath his desk. He watched as the three homicide unit members followed his lieutenant into the office. This was...this was just so stupid. How had it even happened? _Fuck_, he thought running a hand over his face.

They knew.

As much as he hated to admit it, Jane Rizzoli wasn't a slouch. There was a reason that she'd been the youngest detective ever. She was smart, and once she put two and two together he'd be ruined. And it was his own damn fault.

He looked back at the closed door where he could see the silhouette of Lieutenant Burns standing behind his desk as he undoubtedly debriefed the whole team. They were just trying to figure out what to do with him now, he was sure. "Shit." He mumbled under his breath. He looked around the room panicking slightly, he was the only one there he noticed. He threw his head back with a sigh. He was stupid, so so stupid.

He swore when he took this job he wasn't going to be one of _those _cops. The kind that take money, and bend the rules. He'd seen plenty of those guys growing up. He saw how they pushed people around, how they made all cops look bad. They hardly did anything good, and only worked hard when it benefited themselves.

But it was so easy. And lines got blurred so often in this stupid job. No one prepared him for that. No one prepared him for any of the shit the job offered.

It started out innocent enough. He let small things go for big things, little fish for big fish, dropped charges for the right people to get the right information. It wasn't even considered dirty, it was just work. He was doing what he thought was right and it led to some big arrests. If the stakes were too high, or he knew innocent people could get hurt, he backed down.

But then the warehouse incident happened, and his dog died, and his sister moved halfway across the country for a job taking his niece and nephew with her and it was too much. He had nothing left to fill his time other than going over the incident report at every available opportunity. He started to uncover other things. Like a murder at the docks where they suspected Patrick Doyle. (And was he informed? No.) And he kept digging to find more shit that he wasn't brought in for. (Like when Doyle's _son _was murdered. Or how Doyle kidnapped his own _daughter. _Or any of that shit about the little black book.)

It wasn't fair. He knew how that sounded coming from a grown man, but it was how he felt. It wasn't fair. Doyle was in _his _city. And Detective Rizzoli handed him over to the FBI just because, the agent in charge was what? Sleeping with her? Eventually, work got pushed to the side due to anger and when those three hackjobs came to him for help, he didn't even blink before agreeing to look the other way. Only they sucked at a revenge scheme and now his ass was caught in the crossfire and hung out to dry.

He sighed deeply looking across the room at the TV which was stuck perpetually on a twenty-four hour news station. A reporter was standing in front of the broken restaurant window speculating on what happened. He looked back at the Lt. Burns' closed door then down at the badge around his neck. His fingers brushed over the gold plated lettering, as he remembered raising his right arm and swearing to serve the city of Boston all those years ago.

He got an idea.

…

"We ready?" Jane asked after feeling like everyone was finally on the same page. They all nodded and she stood. As she walked out of the room she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, but ignored it.

"Where's Rowley?" Burns asked.

"Was he here?" That time it was Frost.

"Yeah." Burns answered absently as he walked towards the vacant desk. His brow wrinkled in confusion as he picked up a folded piece of paper with a post-it stuck to the front of it. It had an address on it. Rowley's gold badge and his gun sat innocently next to it. "What the hell." He mumbled under his breath. He opened the letter and began to read.

After a moment Korsak asked, "What's that?"

"It's...a resignation letter." The lieutenant replied still confused.

Frost's eyebrows shot up. "Can he do that?"

Burns shrugged. "He did."

"Did he admit to anything?"

"No, but there's an address."

Frost leaned over looking at the post-it. "R and R?"

"Jerry Ryan and Kenny Reid." Jane answered. "They're our main suspects. Can you run that, see if it's legit?" Frost nodded before taking the note over to a computer. Jane looked at Burns, who was still reading the paper. "What if it's a trap?"

"Does it matter?" Jane answered with a dry laugh.

"It's a real address." Frost said after a moment

"Let's go then." Korsak said with a nod.

...

By the time they were ready to go (warrants in hand) two other gang division officers and Frankie had joined them in ranks. They all formulated a plan and left quickly hoping the two men they were after were at home and asleep like most of the other people in Boston. If the situation was different they would've taken more time to do some reconnaissance but they felt like they were on a time sensitive schedule and didn't want to take the chance of having those two flee.

Jane forgot her phone had gone off hours ago and neglected to check it. She just wanted this whole ordeal to be over with. And then she could explain everything to Maura without fear. As she sat in the car next to Frost she thought back to earlier in the evening. How Maura's voice wavered on the word _go _but how her eyes told her to stay. She sighed resting her head against the glass completely ignoring the look Frost and Frankie shot at her.

…

Jane knocked on Maura's door and waited patiently. Before going to her house she checked her office to see if she'd gone into work that day. Susie had told her that Dr. Isles was taking a personal day, but she was on-call if they needed anything. Jane didn't blame Maura one bit for that, if she hadn't been given the day off she would've done the same thing.

She yawned and shuffled her feet as she waited.

The raid was finished hours ago, but they all had to stay and do the immediate incident report and some other paperwork before going home.

The whole thing was surprisingly routine. There wasn't some weird ambush waiting for them or any kind of trap. The two thugs were actually asleep when they arrived. They were able to catch Reid without any kind of struggle by Ryan was another story. He was squirrely and ran fast, but between she and Frost they were able to get him on the ground with very little problems. Except he did take a swing at Jane (and missed) but Jane swung back which was why her knuckles were a little sore to the touch.

She looked down at her left hand. Sure enough, her knuckles were red and achy. They probably wouldn't bruise, but the contact did exacerbate the pain she usually felt in that hand.

She sighed again covering her mouth in a yawn and shifted her feet. She wasn't above staying out on Maura's stoop all day and night if she had to. The detective wanted to kick herself for not looking at her phone prior to going on the raid. Maybe Maura would've been less mad had she explained sooner.

Finally, the door opened.

"Jane." Maura swallowed hard. She had half a mind to shut the door in Jane's face, but she couldn't. Not when Jane was looking at her like that.

"I'm sorry." Jane blurted almost instantaneously. "I got to the precinct and I was focused on trying to put this behind me - behind us - that I didn't think to check my phone. And I wanted to explain, Maur, I did."

Maura shook her head with a sigh. "Frankie called me earlier. He explained everything." Indeed two hours ago, Frankie called her from the precinct and told her the events of that night. It infuriated her though. Why couldn't it have been Jane? She'd waited at the precinct for hours on Jane. She'd given her the benefit of the doubt, talked herself in and out of anger so many times it was ridiculous. If Jane was the one who lied to her why couldn't Jane be the one to tell her the truth?

"I'm sorry." Jane said honestly. "I didn't mean to lie, Maura it just..."

"Do you want to come in?"

Jane blinked double time. She was not expecting that question. "Yes."

Maura stepped away from the door and into her kitchen. Jane followed her. They didn't talk. For a moment they just let the silence hang in the air. It wasn't uncomfortable, nor was it awkward, but it held a different air about it than usual. It was questioning. Only, Jane didn't know what those questions were or how to answer them. Maura sighed. She was tired, physically and emotionally about this topic. She reached into her freezer pulling out a bag of frozen peas and walked towards Jane. She reached for the detective's left hand and gently placed the bag across her knuckles.

Jane's eyebrows furrowed in confusion at Maura's actions. There was something there in the caress, something that told her she was forgiven even if Maura didn't know it yet.

"Why does it always come down to this?" Maura said quietly finally breaking the silence.

"We're stubborn people?" Jane guessed.

Maura's lips twitched. "I've never had a best friend before."

"I know." Jane sighed resisting the urge to lean into Maura's touch.

"I want this, Jane. But I'm afraid of losing you," She paused. It was like déjà vu of their last argument, but neither of them were yelling this time. "I don't want to lose everything that makes us who we are."

"I don't want to lose you either." Jane answered again, strongly.

"I'm upset with you."

"I know, I'm sorry."

Maura sighed. "I know."

Jane chanced a glance up at Maura. "I'm probably going to do more boneheaded things that will make you hate me."

Maura gave a breath of a laugh. "I don't _hate _you. I couldn't even if I wanted to."

"Good, 'cause I can't hate you either."

After a beat of silence Maura offered, "Can we just call it even?"

Jane blinked, searching Maura's eyes for something she couldn't name but would know when she saw it. "What are you thinking?"

Maura sighed, stepping away from Jane and the heat between their bodies. She walked over to the sink and washed her hands before answering the question. "I think you owe me a shopping trip and a salon appointment, and we can call it even."

Jane laughed lightly remembering her promise at the batting cages what felt like eons ago. "Deal." She took the peas off her knuckles and stood in front of Maura, pinky out. There were more things they could've said but, as usual between them, less was more. They could deal with the other stuff later. The important thing was being on the same page again.

Maura twisted their pinkies together and in seconds she fell into Jane's chest, wrapping her arms around her waist, face buried in the place where shoulder curved into neck. "Don't do that to me again." She whispered.

"I won't." Jane said immediately wrapping her arms around her. They stood like that for a while, just holding each other in Maura's kitchen in mid-morning. Jane was too distracted by Maura's hair tickling her nose, the way soft even breaths fell against her neck to notice that the side door had opened and closed in the space since the beginning of Maura's embrace. And Maura was too distracted by the warmth of Jane's body to care.

This was where they both felt safest, with each other.

* * *

**A/N: **Hold a little (a lot) of "suspension of belief" involving the wrapping up of that crime plot. I tried reworking that six ways to Sunday and a million other ways but yeah.

I changed the title because I didn't like the other title, 'cause the other title didn't make any sense.

The hiatus was because college sucks and a lot of personal things happened in a short amount of time and then writer's block.

Again, I'm very sorry! (But you should know I would never abandon an actual story like this.) And thank you to everyone who told me I should update, all of the alerts, that nomination (whyyyy?) and for just being overall awesome! I really do appreciate it!

Thanks for reading!


	18. Making Up

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

Maura folded the same towel for the fourth time before she realized what she was doing. She put the towel on top of the neatly folded stack next to her and stood with a heavy sigh.

Jane was asleep in her bed. The detective had been fed and showered and was now sleeping off one very long day. Jo Friday and Bass were the only ones awake to keep her company, but they were off wandering throughout the house on their own. Maura didn't know what to do with herself. Normally she could distract herself from the issue quite easily, but nothing seemed to be working. She tried pacing, doing some paperwork, meditating, yoga, and then as a last resort the laundry. And through it all she could only think of a certain homicide detective sleeping in her bed.

There were too many questions swimming in her mind and she didn't want to wait for answers. She needed them right at that moment. But the woman with all the answers was asleep. And Jane needed her sleep.

Pinching the bridge of her nose with a sigh, and started pacing again. Bass peaked around the corner of the island in the kitchen curiously at his owner before scuttling around again.

Maura didn't want to be angry, but she also hated that she caved so easily when she saw Jane on her doorstep. She didn't hold grudges, but she also didn't appreciate being lied to and what if her lackadaisical approach to the situation made it seem like Jane's actions were okay?

She was a potluck of emotions brewing inside, and random ones kept being added to the fray. This was never a problem before Jane.

Not to mention there were still the questions, however far in the recesses of her mind, about her biological family. They were the same questions she had at fifteen only more complex, a feat she didn't even know was possible. It wasn't fair that she was _still _wondering and searching for clues. It wasn't fair that these people had all of the answers but refused to give them to her for reasons she had not been told. And it was unfair how she was supposed to just take it without quips or comment just...because.

"Maura?"

Maura flinched at the sudden voice. She wasn't expecting any visitors. She turned quickly towards the voice and dropped her hand from her face while forcing a smile. Angela stood in her kitchen bustling around like she did many times. There were different sized tupperware containers suddenly littering her counter. Before she could process the situation she felt arms wrap around her as Angela hugged her tightly.

If she was caught unaware by her arrival the hug definitely threw her for another, bigger loop. Hugging was never a big part of her life until the Rizzolis came along. And even now, after four years of knowing them, it was still difficult to get used to. She didn't think she'd ever become accustomed to an Angela Rizzoli comfort hug.

The gesture lasted only a few seconds before the older woman pulled away and held her at arm's length to survey. "I heard about your exciting evening last night." Eyes so much like Jane's, yet so different scanned her body for signs of harm and places of damage. She smiled satisfied at finding nothing. "I wanted to take an early lunch and make sure you girls were alright with my own eyes." Maura's eyes grew wide as all of the words started connecting in her mind, at the implication in them. "I tried coming over before I went to work," She shrugged. "But you seemed busy and I didn't want to be late. Is Jane here?"

"She's," Maura cleared her throat. "She's sleeping." Was all she managed to squeak out as she pointed towards the stairs hopelessly.

Angela smiled politely giving the staircase one knowing glance before walking back into the kitchen. "I don't have an awful lot of time." She said absently. "But I'm very glad you're both safe and sound. God only knows what I'd do if anything happened to either of you." She shook her head and started putting the containers in the refrigerator.

Maura stood rooted to her spot in the living room as her mind raced with possibilities.

What did she know? Was she okay with what she knew? How did she know it? What even was '_it_'?

They were just more questions without answers that her brain wasn't equipped to handle fully at the moment.

"You must be tired." Angela said, once again cutting into her thoughts. She looked at her watch letting out one _tsk. _"I need to go back to work, I don't want to get caught in the traffic." She gave Maura once last quick hug. "I brought you girls dinner and lunch, whichever you prefer. It's in the fridge. The reheating instructions are on the notepad, though, Jane _should _know how to do it by now." She laughed lightly, and even that made Maura's twitch. "If you girls need anything, anything at all you call me."

A few seconds later after their goodbyes, Maura heard the side door open and close. She blinked in confusion quickly. "What just happened?" She couldn't help but ask to the empty room.

…

Jane woke up three times in the one hour she'd been alone in Maura's bedroom. That had to be some kind of record even for her. Though she needed the sleep and it was a struggle to keep her eyes open her body and mind seemed to be running under a different assumption. If she wasn't tossing and turning, then her mind was racing with random, incomplete thoughts and half-lucid dreams.

She didn't like it. She wanted Maura, needed her in the bed next to her. The bed just felt so empty without her there. She needed to feel the even, steady breathing of her right next to her, needed the warmth and weight on the other side of the bed.

But she also wanted to give Maura space to breathe. She wanted to let her go through the things that led them there and evaluate them, like Jane knew she would at some point or another (if she hadn't done it yet.) Processing time, she was trying to give Maura the most adequate supply of processing time she could think of.

It was proving difficult.

All of it was so surreal. She'd never actually _longed _for someone in her adult life before, at least not to the extent she was longing for Maura.

It snuck up on her, this...thing with Maura. It caught her wrong-footed and guessing ever since. It was all new with unknown directions, and she wasn't quite sure on how to proceed.

…

Somehow Maura found herself standing in front of her bedroom door. She wasn't going to go in, at first. She was going to give Jane time to sleep. But since Angela's impromptu visit just minutes earlier she was left with even more questions and Jane had all of the answers. She was tired of being left out of the loop and off the team.

With a determined, self-assured nod her fingers found the cool metal doorknob and pushed the door open. Quickly she made her entrance and shut the door in record time, careful to try to keep as much light out of the room as possible.

A quiet breath of relief slipped past her lips as she stared at her sleeping best friend.

_What were they?_

She stood on the outskirts of her own bedroom as her eyes adjusted to the dark. That solid question repeated in her mind over and over.

_What were they?_

They were best friends, but even that didn't suffice. They were much more than that, a much more complex thing than whatever she could come up with in her mind because one word couldn't describe how much Jane meant to her. Even now, even after the tumultuous time exploring that new facet of their relationship, even after discovering the lying and the fears buried in her own heart.

The only thing she knew was that it had always been Jane. Whatever they were, whatever they weren't – it was always Jane.

Jane. Her personal savior. Her safety net. Her sounding board for all of life's complicated questions. And it wasn't just the big stuff either, a lot of her feelings for Jane rode on insignificant ships that ghosted through the night. Like the way Jane gave up her jacket when they walked Jo Friday because she had shivered. Or the 'welcome back' coffee and bagel when she returned to work. Or the game they played at work where they played off each other back and forth, no other detective could work with her as seamlessly as Jane. They were small things that had become such an integral part of their lives that she didn't know what to do when they were gone.

But it was the constant laughter that Jane brought with her that was her favorite.

She watched as Jane shifted just so. The blankets slipped down to only covering half of one leg as her arm dangled off to the side. Her breath caught in her throat.

What did Jane want from thi_s?_

Because she knew what she wanted, maybe not before but she did now. She wanted to slide into the bed next to Jane. She wanted to rest her head at that one place she'd claimed in the crook of Jane's neck where shoulder curved. And then other things that didn't involve here or now, but future tense and 'in the mornings' popped into her mind. Like she wanted to look into those deep brown eyes over Coco Puffs and _coq au vin_ and Red Sox peanuts and case files, forever. Before she knew it a sappy smile graced her face and the issue she was having earlier about forgiveness rested easier, more willing.

"I can hear you thinking." Jane groaned.

Maura jumped emitting a squeal, her hand covered her heart in shock. Her eyes searched for Jane's in the darkness while she sat up on the bed.

"Sorry," Jane said, her voice thick and groggy with sleep. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Maura shook her head, her arm dropped back to her side. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"I wasn't sleeping great anyway." Jane yawned. There was an awkward beat before Jane said, "Sit with me."

Her steps were suddenly faltering, legs suddenly unsteady. _What were they? What did Jane want from this? _Those questions popped in her mind again like bubbles before quickly bursting. Maura sat, but she didn't relax, she couldn't. On the other side of the bed Jane could feel how tense she was. The brunette wanted nothing more than to take her into her arms, pull her tight, rub her shoulders, tell stupid jokes, but instead she was determined to give Maura the space she needed to think and process. Even if that meant burying her hands in the comforter.

"What are we?" Maura finally voiced, her tone nothing louder than a whisper. "We keep saying we want this, but I'm not entirely sure what_ this_ is."

"What do you want us to be?"

"Jane." Maura sighed exasperatedly.

"What do you want me to say, Maura? You keep running hot and cold and I don't...I don't know what you want me to say."

"Expressing feelings is difficult for me."

Jane bit her lip at Maura's continued silence, unsure of where to go next. Things were different between them. A good difference, at times, but they had yet to embrace this _thing_ with open arms completely. And maybe that's why they kept running into walls.

She knew that Maura was different than anyone she'd ever tried to have a relationship with, it was real with her. She didn't have one foot out the door, ready for an excuse. She knew Maura wanted her, needed her, and that she needed and wanted Maura. They were good for each other, made each other better in ways she hadn't anticipated. It was time she let her guard down, and just allow herself to be happy for once. She took a deep breath. "Okay." Maura looked at her. "I want to date you - exclusively. Everything about," She paused, searching Maura's eyes for something to hold on to, something to ground her. "Everything about this - I want. I'm sorry, for lying to you. I just," She shrugged hopelessly. "Sometimes I get scared too."

"You want to date me?" Maura asked quietly after a moment as she played with the blanket.

Jane didn't want Maura to have even the tiniest of doubts of what she meant. "Yeah." She watched as Maura's chest concaved at the loss of breath. For a moment she thought she said the wrong thing, or misinterpreted something somewhere along the way.

"I'm Patrick Doyle's daughter." Maura said finally, quietly. It wasn't what she was going to say, not really, but it was like her brain was finally letting her heart win out on these things and she needed that reassurance she never got when she was alone in her office waiting on a text that would never come. A reassurance that only Jane could offer.

_Ah, there it is, _Jane thought. "Maura, you're not him." Maura shifted uncomfortably on the bed. And before Maura could jump in with some statistic or fact, Jane continued. "I'm a cop, Maur, I know these things."

"You said blood is thicker than water." Maura shrugged. "I liked tagging, and I have an unfortunate propensity of falling for criminals."

"The actual quote is: _Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. _Which means the opposite of what I meant."

"Then why'd you say it?" She looked over at Jane who was pulling her knees to her chest.

"Because I'm a mean person?" She shrugged avoiding eye contact. "I was angry at a lot of things and I just...took it out on you." She snorted, shaking her head. "Are you sure _you _want to date _me_?" She laughed dryly. "Because really, Maura, out of the two of us I think you're the one getting the short end of the deal here. I'm at bat with two strikes."

Maura smiled softly at Jane, before grabbing for her hand again. "Do you remember the Boston Strangler cases?"

"Yeah."

"That was the first time you saved my life."

"It's what I do."

"I forgive you, you know." Maura said after a moment of silence, a small smile on her lips. She bumped their shoulders together.

"I know." She grabbed Maura's hand giving it a small squeeze. Maura didn't let her go. "You didn't like tagging after you got caught. There's a big leap between amateur graffiti and mass murder." Her chin fell to Maura's shoulder. "If you want, I can enroll you in one of those Scared Straight programs, introduce you to some ex-cons."

Maura laughed at Jane's antics. "I don't think that will be necessary." Maura could see Jane's grin, right in her periphery and couldn't help smiling herself.

"I'm not a criminal." She shrugged.

"Are you suggesting I'm falling for you?" Maura joked.

Jane's heart unexpectedly started beating rapidly in her chest. "I don't know, are you?"

Maura quirked an eyebrow. She didn't want to answer. It wasn't that she wasn't ready for the big 'I love you' but things were just...she needed them to be normal first. "I think, that's for you to find out, Detective." She smirked before turning around and climbing onto Jane's lap, knees on either side of the detective's thighs. "I do have a confession." Maura said coquettishly leaning in precariously close to Jane's lips as her arms circled around her neck.

"Oh?" A dark eyebrow rose in challenge. Maura wanted nothing more than to kiss the small smirk at the corner of her lips.

"I very much disliked Casey. He wasn't good for you, or good to you. A lapse in judgment on your part, I might add." She laughed when Jane pinched her sides. Jane grinned at Maura's laughter, she loved making that woman laugh. "I on the other hand, am very good for you. I want to exclusively date you, also."

Coffee brown eyes met golden-hazel, and there were words, unspoken things floating between them, only this time they weren't big elephants to avoid. They were good things. "Even though I'm an ass?"

"You have good qualities also." Fingers played with the ends of raven tresses.

"That wasn't a denial." The brunette deadpanned.

"It wasn't meant to be one." Maura teased trying not to get distracted by the circles Jane was drawing with her thumbs just underneath her top.

"So what are these good qualities of mine then?" Maura felt a shiver run down her spine, like a shot of electricity right to her core at Jane's husky whisper.

Lightly she pushed Jane's shoulders until the other woman fell backwards onto the bed. "Well for one," She grinned mischievously.

Jane watched as small hands trailed gracefully down her torso. Her breath kept catching and her heart kept skipping beats and this was torture. She gulped when those hands stopped at the waistband of her boxers, at the way those eyes looked up half-lidded and devilish almost. She had no idea how they got here, she never did. One moment they were having a serious, heartfelt discussion, and the next Maura was on top of her. But as her tank was pushed up to her bra, as she felt those cool hands splayed across her stomach, short nails lightly digging into her skin, she didn't particularly care how it happened either.

Maura leaned down so her mouth was right at the curve of Jane's ear. "You have a phenomenal physique."

Jane swallowed thickly, her mouth suddenly dry as she tried to gain some of her mental capacity back. "I knew you only liked me for my body."

Resting her weight on her forearms, pausing their game for a minute to smile loving down at her detective. "You know what I think?"

"Huh?" Jane's arms wrapped around Maura's waist, once again delving slightly underneath the flowy material of Maura's top.

"People don't fit in science." She kissed Jane's nose. "And I think that as long as the good outweighs the bad, we'll be okay."

"That's very philosophical of you, Maura." It was very hard to keep up the game they were playing when Maura was looking at her like that and playing with her hair.

"Some cop taught me that." Maura answered back teasingly her lips just a breath away from Jane's.

"Oh, some cop huh?" Maura answered her with a kiss. "Tell me if it ever drifts the other way?" She mumbled, eyes half closed.

"Only if you do the same for me."

Jane grinned capturing Maura in another kiss, pulling her closer. "Done."

* * *

**A/N: **FLUFF! *throws confetti* Just a quick little - there are two chapters left, a real one and the epilogue.

Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting!


	19. Acceptance

**A/N: **Double post!

Also, hey, this little thing won the best season three story on the Rizzles Fan Awards. I don't...I...what are words? Um. Thank you for voting! And for all of your kind reviews on this. I know my update intervals have been really spectacularly terrible so I just want y'all to know I really appreciate everyone who is still reading/will read etc.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money.

* * *

Maura didn't know how long she had been awake. Time was some vague notion she wasn't fully aware of because her clock was behind her and she had no intention of turning around to look. Her answer sat ambiguously at _a while _– and that was good enough for the moment. It was long enough to question if staring at Jane while she slept was borderline creepy or inappropriate, and long enough to circle around that thought before deciding she didn't care if it was.

She was aware that there must've been some gooey eyed look on her face as she watched the woman next to her sleep, as she watched the steady rise and fall of every breath leave her mouth. Jane was always beautiful, but sleep had a way of enhancing that somehow with the softening her features.

She forgot how long they ended up lying in her bed the night before. It was strictly speaking a pretty tame night, both too tired to really commit to moving too much. But making out with Jane while lying on top of her was oddly erotic, and it would happen again if Maura had anything to say about it. A grin slowly formed across her face as she remembered the way Jane's lips pressed against hers, how there was constant movement in the kissing. She remembered the way Jane's hands wrapped around her waist and the how her fingers pressed into her skin lightly. She shook her head, bringing herself back to the current moment. They had nothing to do today, besides Sunday dinner later in the evening so she was going to take as long as Jane allowed for her to breathe in the moment.

As her eyes drifted toward the brunette next to her it felt oddly reminiscent of her time in the hospital when she woke to Jane at her bed side. She had the same feeling now as she did then. She was safe with Jane.

It was because of so much, reasons were wide and varied and if pressed she was sure she could come up with a well written response. The trials they've faced this year alone should've broken them, they should've torn them apart limb from proverbial limb. They shouldn't have survived – any of it.

And yet here they were.

They've grown stronger. Not just individually but also as a team, a unit.

Maura knew now that whatever came their way from this point forward they would face it and they would get through it, together, like they always have.

Jane made a small sound bringing Maura's attention back to her. Jane's face contorted for a moment prompting Maura to action. She slipped her hand underneath Jane's twisted tank and soothed a pattern in time with Jane's breath, tracing small gentle patterns. "Shh. You're safe." She whispered just barely to Jane's shoulder, her lips grazing the skin there. After a moment she felt Jane fully relax again, but continued the movement with her hand.

And there it was again.

_Safe. _

And it didn't matter, those questions that had been plaguing her for, well , forever didn't matter. It was here in bed with the love of her life on a lazy Sunday morning that she came to realization that maybe some questions just didn't have answers. She thought back to her own personal promise in the morgue, it was easier to just move on sometimes too, to just cut her losses instead of listening to the same lies from the same people who were supposed to be her "family" over and over. And besides, she smiled at Jane, she had her own family, and it was more than enough.

As she was thinking this dark chocolate eyes met hers for half of a second before drifting closed again, and a hand emerged from the blankets heavy and half-asleep to push Maura's away. Jane rolled over onto her side and brought the blankets up to her chin. "That tickles." Her voice was muffled by sleepy lips and the pillow underneath her head.

Maura laughed softly and snuggled up to Jane. She slipped her hand, palm down across Jane's lower back. She would never get tired of the feel of Jane's skin underneath her hands, and she was so glad that they were past thinking about lines and whether or not to cross them. Her smile grew bigger as she felt her detective lean into her touch.

Jane hummed in appreciation at the feel of Maura's hand on her lower back. It was still soothing, just like that day after the building collapsed. She wanted to say things, wanted to give Maura paragraphs full of romantic soliloquies and witty syntax. She wanted to say a lot of things that had nothing to do with romance or strings of three words and eight letters. But that hand was lulling her back to sleep, the breath hitting her neck was intoxicating in the best way. "Can we stay here all day?" She didn't trust herself with any of those heavy things so that was what she settled on. Maura's hum _just _resonated with her before her eyes closed again.

…

Jane cracked her eyes open for the second time unable to sleep anymore. She yawned slowly trying to wake up and reached behind her across the bed for the warmth she was missing. But her hand didn't collide with a soft hip, all was there was empty sheets. They were still warm and the ghost of Maura's touch still lingered against her skin, so she knew her companion hadn't been gone for that long.

Her arm fell back to the bed heavy and sleep laden. She grinned crookedly as she fought off the dredges of sleep and rubbed her eyes. She always slept best when she slept with Maura. It was always that way, Maura was always there to catch her when she stumbled without her having to ask and Jane thought that was one of the best things about having Maura in her life. They could share a look and Maura would know what she needed, whether it was sleep or food or a place for the night. Maura always knew.

She remembered when Hoyt was alive and her nightmares were riddled with both real and fictitious events. She'd knocked on Maura's door, they weren't even that close, but all the medical examiner did was tilt her head adorably to the side and opened her door wider. And when they went into the guest room Maura had slid in next to her like it was the most natural thing to do. There was nothing malicious, nothing gratuitous, it was just them.

But of course she made a joke._ Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me? _And what if Maura had said yes? Would things have been different? Would they have been here sooner? Or would they have not even moved passed a passing, budding friendship? They were questions without answers and this time she was glad they were answerless.

The door opened slowly, and her eyes immediately landed on Maura.

And it hit her.

Maura was carrying a small tray full of food and, judging by the smell in the air, coffee. Jane didn't have to squint very hard to think of a future where this happened often. It was mildly scary how easily she envisioned the rest of her life with Maura in this special hybrid role of best friend and girlfriend. As soon as the word crossed her mind she felt her grin grow wider. _Girlfriend. _Maura was her girlfriend. They were exclusive and _together _and what an unexpected curve ball that was.

And Maura was a vision in front of her; she forgot how to breathe for a second.

She watched as Maura elbowed the door closed. The woman looked down at the tray as she took each calculated step like she was afraid of spilling her hard work all over the carpet. Her hair was mussed from sleep and she was still in her pajamas. And then there was the smile, the way she bit the corner of her bottom lip and the hopeful look in her eyes. And Jane was sure if she were standing she would've gone a little weak in the knees.

"Good morning." Maura said with a full smile.

And there it was again. That voice and those eyes and that one stray hair that was sticking up at an odd angle and, god, she had never been more in love in all her life. And she forgot to breathe again, because how was it just now hitting her that she was this in love with Maura_? _ Her eyes remained glued to Maura as if she were the most fascinating creature she had ever seen, and in a way she was. After Jane sat up Maura settled the tray across her lap, kissed her cheek, and settled back into the bed on Jane's right.

"Morning." Jane mumbled through a yawn. Maura grinned at her, and Jane felt her insides do a flip at the crinkles around her eyes. Jane took a sip of her coffee before picking up her fork. "You're not worried about me getting crumbs in your bed?" She cracked, unable to think of anything else. Relying on humor, like always, to get her through.

"It's time to change the sheets anyway." Maura reasoned with a shrug.

Jane raised an eyebrow as Maura reached across her plate and stole a grape. "Ah, so this was calculated." She laughed cutting up her pancakes.

"I just wanted to do something nice for you."

"You didn't have to."

"I know I didn't have to." She pointed to the pancakes on Jane's plate. "It's your mother's recipe, but I catered to the healthier side and altered some things. How'd I do?"

Jane looked at the plate with fake trepidation poking at the fluffy pancakes like she hadn't just eaten a forkful of them a few seconds ago. Maura elbowed her in the side, laughing as she picked up her coffee. "They're great, Maura. Thank you."

Maura smiled widely at her. "You're welcome."

They sat in silence as Jane ate her pancakes and Maura read the paper. Domesticity wasn't something she was too keen on. She thought about the way she'd told Agent Dean after their first dinner date that she wasn't ready to settle down. She thought she'd been ready with Casey, but here with Maura if this was what her mother had been preaching at her her whole life she definitely wanted it. She knew Maura would worry about her, about her job, but it wouldn't be a suffocating kind of worry like she knew it would've been with either of those men. She tried to keep her mind focused on her food, instead of Maura, but she was failing. She kept shooting furtive glances towards the woman next to her. She was distracted by the heat from Maura's thigh pressed against her knee, the way her eyebrows furrowed as she read a particular sentence in the newspaper.

"You're staring." Maura voiced though her eyes never left the paper and there was a small smile on her lips.

And it was that small smile that did her in, Jane was sure. "You're beautiful." And she didn't want to take it back or cover it up. She didn't want to lie anymore, didn't want to hide who she was or what she wanted. And she didn't ever want to take those words back because Maura was, and she wasn't even talking about just on the outside.

Maura blushed nodding her head in thanks as she sipped her coffee. She was unsure of what to say. Jane wasn't one to ever give an outright compliment her without it being hidden in sarcastic moments.

"So what sheets were you going to change to?" Jane asked after a few moments of silence. "I like the maroon ones you have. They're really soft – I mean all of your sheets are soft and everything but I think those are softest and I really like the color and –"

Maura's lips pressed against hers softly, slowly cutting off her speech. Jane almost forgot about the tray in front of her and nearly sent it tumbling to the floor when Maura's hand grazed her side. "I'll change to the maroon ones." Maura said softly pulling away so she could continue to read the paper and Jane could finish eating.

…

"You _would_ know how to fold a fitted sheet."

Maura laughed. "I could teach you." She offered.

Jane snorted while Maura put the old sheets in the hamper. "Yeah, I'm going to have to take a rain check on that one."

Maura shrugged getting back to the task at hand. "Help me with this?"

Together they pulled the sheet over the bed and under the corners taking great pains to smooth all of the wrinkles. Jane bent over at the waist to smooth out one wrinkle that Maura couldn't reach. Only it was a trap. A pillow flew in her direction and she was so caught off guard by the flying square black thing she neglected to duck. It hit her in the face and she heard Maura laugh somewhere in front of her. She looked up at the woman, narrowing her eyes playfully. "Did you just…?" She grabbed the pillow in both her hands standing menacingly to her full height.

"Jane." Maura backed up hands outstretched in front of her. She did not trust that mischievous look on her face. "Think about what you're about to do."

Jane grinned. "Oh, I'm thinking about what I'm about to do alright."

The pillow flew from Jane's hands and Maura was so distracted by its trajectory (which was way too the right of her) to pay attention to the woman coming at her.

Maura yelped in surprise as Jane grabbed her around the waist. They fell to the bed, ruining the wrinkle free sheets, in a tangle of limbs and tangled hair as the mix of their laughter filled the room. Jane made quick work of untangling herself. Just as Maura thought she caught her breath and her heart rate was slowing back to normal Jane was pressed against her and those dark eyes were staring directly into her, like Jane could see everything she couldn't say. And then Jane's lips pressed against her own in that magical way that sent electricity up and down her spine.

…

It was the end of the night. Family dinner had come and gone, and Jane was helping her mother in the kitchen while Maura sat with TJ in the living room. Angela was going to take him for the night, so Tommy and Lydia could have some time to themselves.

Mother and daughter paused, their hands respectively submerged in water and wrapped in a towel when they heard the sound of TJ's baby laugh. Angela's eyes drifted from the couch to her daughter while Jane stared fascinated at the living room, and the blond head just poking above the top of the couch. She noticed the small imperceptible upturn of Jane's lips and how her eyes seemed to soften as Maura cooed at her grandson. She thought back to what she'd heard around the precinct earlier. Cops were gossips, and she had learned not to pay _too _much attention to the rumor mill. But some things…She eyed Jane out of the corner of her eye when they both went back to doing the dishes.

Jane continued to dry the plate even after it was clearly dry, her mind elsewhere all of a sudden. Maura was playing with her nephew in the other room, cooing at him and being all adorable. It shouldn't have had the effect it did on her, but she couldn't help it. Her mind drifted, like it had earlier in the morning, about the type of future she suddenly envisioned with Maura.

Angela handed Jane a pot to dry. Jane had no idea why they were doing the dishes by hand when Maura had a perfectly good dishwasher, but it was tradition in her house growing up, so she guessed it melted over to Maura's kitchen as well.

Angela looked over at Maura. She was sitting on the couch, TJ in her lap. He had one of her fingers gripped in his little hand and was smiling an adorable (mostly) toothless grin. Maura was reading a picture book to him and he would bounce in her lap occasionally. As far as people go, Maura was a good one. She was the type of person that would offer a guest house – an entire house – to an old lady down on her luck just because she felt it the right thing to do, because she wanted to help. Maura was the type of person to give her kidney to an ungrateful woman's child because it was the right thing to do. And isn't that what she herself had tried to live by?

What with everything with Frank Sr., Tommy, Lydia, and now baby TJ things were finally starting to slow down. And maybe that was why she missed the blossoming relationship between her daughter and Maura. But now that she was looking – really looking – she saw it for what it was.

She saw the easy interactions between Jane and Maura. She saw how they could (and would) say things to each other without actually saying a word. Like during dinner Maura needed a refill of her wine and with one look at Jane she stood from the table. And really, she should've seen it when Jane lingered behind Maura's chair, the way her fingers grazed Maura's shoulder as she walked by.

They were always close, but this was a new, different kind of closeness. She couldn't exactly give a reason to _how _it was different, it just was. She looked back at Jane who was once again looking at Maura. If she squinted hard enough she could imagine TJ being Jane's child, their child.

Their child would have a happy home with loving parents.

And isn't that what she wanted for Jane? Someone to come home to, a family that loved her? She found herself smiling as she thought this.

"Ma?"

She nearly dropped the pot she was lackadaisically scrubbing back into the water in the sink. Jane looked at her mother, their eyes locked. She felt like her heart was in her throat. Upon seeing the fear in her daughter's eyes Angela stumbled out of her reverie. She'd been thinking too long. "Make sure you come home."

Jane blinked in confusion. "What?" She watched her mother struggle for words as she continued to wash the pot.

"I know, Jane." She nodded in Maura's direction. Jane felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. "I know it's not going to change the way you do your job – nothing will change that. But make sure you think of who you have waiting for you at home before you decide on doing something stupidly brave. Don't make her get that phone call." She looked at Jane pointedly before she turned from the sink and took the rubber, yellow gloves off. "Come here." She opened her arms for a hug. There was no reluctance from Jane as she stepped into her mother's warm embrace. "And," Angela added as they hugged. "Don't make me choose between the two of you again. That girl doesn't have much in the way of family, but she's got us. Don't make her regret that."

"Aren't you supposed to be giving _her _the 'don't hurt my daughter speech'?" Jane asked pulling away. Angela swatted her with a towel. "So you're not…" She trailed off uncertainly.

"Mad? Upset?" Jane nodded. And it was the way she eyed her shoes while playing with the scars on her hands reminding her so much of the time she stood guiltily in the principal's office after breaking a window on school grounds. She wrapped her in another hug.

"Enough." Jane groaned trying to squirm out of the hug, though she was smiling.

Angela turned back putting her gloves back on the finish the dishes. Jane took her place next to her and continued to dry. "Just because I may not understand it completely, doesn't mean I love you girls any less." She scoffed. "When have I ever understood anything you kids do."

"I love you, Ma." Jane said quietly.

"I love you too, sweetie." They resumed their respective duties. "You know, she's very good with him."

"Ma." Jane warned, though she wouldn't deny there was a smile on her face.

"I bet she would be very good with her own children." Angela said in a sing-song voice.

"Ma!" Jane groaned dropping her head back.

"What? There are ways for it to happen and it's not like you two are getting any younger."

Before Jane could come up with a retort they head soft footsteps head in their direction. Both looked up to see Maura with a very sleepy TJ resting against her chest. One of his hands was still wrapped around hers. "Sorry to interrupt, but I think someone's ready for bed."

Angela took the little guy from her arms gingerly. They all watched as he settled just as comfortably against his grandmother as he did against Maura. "The dishes are finished, and I'm going to go to the guest house and sleep." She started walking towards the door. "You two girls behave yourselves."

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading!


	20. The End

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. No money. ETC.

* * *

The door closed softly leaving the two women alone in the kitchen. Maura looked from the space Angela has just been to Jane. There was a lot she wanted to say in this moment, a lot she didn't want to say too and she almost wanted TJ back in her arms as a distraction from the look Jane was giving the counter. The look itself wasn't bad, but she knew Jane's face like it was her own. She knew Jane was processing what just happened and she was almost afraid of what she might say.

She bit her lip. She caught the last few sentences between mother and daughter and knew that Angela was in on the nature of their relationship. And she didn't know if she should ask about it or just act like it didn't happen. Luckily, she was saved from the decision as Jo Friday trotted into the kitchen, her nails making a _click-clack _sound against the tile.

Jane watched as her dog walked around Maura's kitchen like it was hers. She almost laughed at the simplicity of it. She spent a long time wanting this, maybe not with Maura at first but with someone, anyone. And that was why Casey wouldn't work. She wanted it more than he did in the end. But with Maura, there was an equality there, and she didn't have to guess or play games. They were who they were. And this, standing in Maura's kitchen with her dog, having family dinners in Maura's dining room – she couldn't find the words for it.

How had she not seen it before? She couldn't help but ask herself. It had been like this for…years, and was she really that blind to what was right in front of her? What would've happened had Maura not shown up at her apartment telling her not to date Casey? Would they have continued about their lives as if everything they did was normal? Like it wasn't odd for her family to merge and include Maura too?

She paused her scratching of Jo's ear. Maybe that was what family really was. Maybe it was just the people that you chose to keep or chose to keep you. Her father left and there was Maura with her big empty house and her big heart and open arms – and maybe that was what it was all about. The company you decide to keep.

Her dog didn't know the difference between this place and her apartment. They were both home to her, just like they were to Jane. Her eyes fell to Maura's painted toes in front of her and as her eyes traveled up those toned calf muscles they got stuck on a just barely jagged scar running up her left calf.

_Scars told stories._ She remembered her thoughts from the hospital. How could she have forgotten about this one?

Her breath caught in her throat as she thought back to that day. She thought she was going to lose her, just when she found her again. They were both going to die in that car had Korsak not shown up, had she not been able to get her out of that seat and to safety. There was no way she was going to leave her there, alone in that car. Maura's voice as she wove in and out of consciousness still haunted her some nights. She looked at the scar almost running the length of her calf. It was a battle scar, a wound from life.

She slid on her knees across the tile, Jo having walked away when Jane stopped petting her. She knew Maura was probably watching her, could actually feel her eyes on her back as her head as her hand tentatively reached for it. The second her fingers grazed against the slightly raised skin she felt Maura's muscles twitch and heard her sigh come from above her. "Does it…" She swallowed hard. "Does it hurt?"

There was something in the way Jane's voice trembled, something in the way her fingers shook against her skin. Maura wanted to wrap her in a hug and never let her leave. She wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault. But she knew that would fall on deaf ears because Jane already knew it wasn't her fault, but took the blame anyway. Jane always took the blame. So she made sure her voice was strong when she spoke. "It did." Dark eyes looked up at her, soft and vulnerable. "But it doesn't anymore. It hasn't caused me any pain for a while."

Jane nodded, standing on her knees. It wasn't the best position for what she wanted to do but it would give her a better advantage than standing completely. She had a sudden urge to touch all of the scars that set on pale skin, replace the memories of hurt with something else.

Maura had no idea what Jane was doing, but she gasped when she felt Jane pull her shirt from her skirt. She forced even breaths to escape her lips as Jane slowly unbuttoned her top as far as her long arms could reach from her position on the floor. And then those trembling fingers grazed the still faint pink line on her lower abdomen and she nearly let out a moan.

"What about this one?" Jane husked. She wanted to kiss the raised tissue, but she couldn't reach. She grazed it with her thumb again, remembering all of the trouble getting it caused. And she was still angry at Hope for never contacting Maura, still angry at everyone (including herself at times) for not loving her the way she should've been, the way she deserved. She flattened her palm across the line so they rest scar to scar as she stood. And that time Maura couldn't help let out a low sound somewhere from the back of her throat. "Maur."

And it was the long extended 'r' sound of her name that left her putty in Jane's arms. It drove her next move. Gently she grabbed Jane by the chin with one hand, and held her by the belt loop of her jeans with the other as she brought their lips together, finally, for a soft and steady kiss that quickly grew into more.

Jane sighed into the kiss. Maura tasted like the red wine she had at dinner, and her perfume was wafting between them, and she nearly lost focus of her goal when one of Maura's hands rested somewhere on her ass. "You didn't answer." She mumbled, moving her mouth away and down Maura's chin to her neck.

"Answer what?" Maura panted trying to grasp at something to make Jane come back to her mouth. She felt the brunette laugh roughly against her throat and her eyes rolled towards the ceiling. She pulled Jane's hips tighter towards her.

"Does it hurt?" Jane whispered right into her ear, her breath making the hair on the back of her neck stand up as a shock passed down her spine leaving her insides tingling.

"It…" Her words got caught in her throat as she felt Jane's mouth back on her neck, stopping briefly to suck and bite at her pulse point. Long fingers worked their way through the rest of the buttons on her shirt. Goosebumbs erupted across her abdomen as cool air hit her skin. "It pulls sometimes." She somehow managed to whisper.

"What about this one?" Jane mumbled her nose ghosting over the thin, barely there line she was so fascinated with at the hospital. She placed a small kiss there without waiting for Maura's answer.

The doctor watched as Jane bent over. The awkwardness of the position fell to the feeling of those soft, slightly chapped lips over the scar that had caused her so much grief. Jane made her way up leaving open mouthed kisses against Maura's navel on the way. Maura shivered as deceptively soft hands gently moved up and down her bare sides. When Jane's mouth found hers again she decided it was time to turn the tables.

Jane groaned as deft fingers gripped the bottom of her faded t-shirt and in seconds it was on the floor at their feet. Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard Bass scurry for cover and Jo Friday bark in surprise at the fallen item, but that was quickly lost on her as she felt Maura's skin pressed against hers. She didn't think she'd ever get tired of the feeling of their bodies flush together. Her badge fell between their bodies. The cool chain and metal hitting their heated skin made Maura groan into Jane's mouth and only spurred her further. Jane kicked off her sneakers and toed off her socks as Maura walked backwards towards the stairs to her bedroom.

They fell against Maura's bedroom door breathing heavy against each other's slightly sweaty skin. Jane's pants were falling down past her hips while Maura's skirt was hopelessly scrunched and wrinkled a product from of the detective's own handiwork. They stopped for a moment resting against the door. Brown and hazel eyes meeting at last. Jane's heart hopelessly pounded in her chest. "You know, we never did get to go on that vacation."

Maura's head tilted to the side in that adorable way and Jane couldn't help but kiss her again. "We didn't, did we?"

Jane shook her head, almost getting lost in the feel of Maura squirming underneath her. She watched as her hand gently gripped the doorknob. "Nope."

"Well, where do you want to go?" The door opened behind them and they stumbled a bit through the entryway.

How was she supposed to answer that question when the bed was _just _right there? "Anywhere." Jane answered honestly.

"Jane."

And the way her name fell from her lips sent a shiver down her spine. She swallowed hard as their eyes met. In that space of a breath between her name and their next kiss, they found all of the things they didn't need to voice in that heated space between them. It was here that Jane realized the elephants in the room had significantly decreased in size. Sure, there were still things that needed addressing, things that they still needed to talk about but they weren't overcrowding her heart. They weren't suffocating things.

Everywhere their bodies touched felt like electricity, every inch of contact left Maura craving for more. Jane made her feel alive, both in control and out of control two breaths apart and she was straddling the line between the two as they stood just on the outskirts of her bedroom.

Her fingers grazed Jane's sides softly. She grinned at the way the Jane's eyelids fluttered at her touch. It was maddening, the way the woman in front of her was looking at her. Those dark eyes so full and intense and welcoming. She wanted to say poetry, to say romance, to compare Jane's eyes to the finest chocolate, her voice to the richest coffee, her body to a goddess. But she didn't have to because Jane knew. She could tell by the deepness of her eyes, by the softness of her face so she settled on those three words. "I love you."

And Jane kissed her just then, pulling her in to her body. She wrapped her legs around her hips as Jane shut the door. Jane's _I love you too_ was written into her skin by soft hands and reverent eyes. Everything she ever wanted to see from someone she loved reflected back at her in earnest.

Maybe that was what all of this was about, finding someone you could survive with, someone that made you feel safe and loved with just one look, someone that understood you. Because that's what she found with Jane, however unexpected it was, and she wouldn't trade it for anything. Though in the beginning she was hesitant that this would ruin their friendship, she knew now that it would only make them stronger. She knew now that no mattered what happened they could (and would) always find their way back to each other.

* * *

**A/N: **The end.

For those of you who were wondering...

In the first chapter I had an author's not that said I was going to challenge myself with this, and I did, in a lot of different ways. The main goal was to have a better cohesive story. I wanted something that read cleaner and smoother, with a lot less backpedaling. There were some stylistic things as well, and some other stuff, but that was the main thing. And I feel like I did pretty good on that part. Something I did realize though, is that crime writing isn't really my thing. (Which is ironic because I'm a criminal justice major, actually that's probably why...) Anyway. My update intervals got kind of whacky there at the end but overall I'm happy with the finished product (and happy that it is in fact finished.)

You guys an you're kind words and your constructive criticisms really kept me going through all of my constant re-drafting and re-outlining. And to that, I say thank you! If it wasn't for you guys I probably wouldn't have finished this. And thank you, thank you, thank you, for nominating and voting for this story in the fan awards thing. That totally threw me for a loop and I'm still scratching my head over here like 'did that really happen?' hah. Thank you guys, for sticking through that awkward title change, and for my long periods of not updating, and for constantly giving me encouragement.

Thank you for taking the time to read this story, whether you've been here from the beginning or whenever it is you're reading this now (whenever that may be.) Saying you guys are awesome isn't enough but it's all I got. So, you guys are awesome!

Hope you all have an awesome premiere night!


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